It's Recess-time Somewhere

Proud Member of the Reality-Based Sandbox

March 31, 2006

Friday Bart Blogging - March 31st, 2006

Bart admits to making thousands of tactical errors in the back yard, but feels history will judge him on whether he has made the right strategic decisions.

Green Eggs and Rumsfeld Redux

Mikevotes over at Born at the Crest of the Empire ponders the rumor that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld might be on his way out.

Sources also confirm that the President has absorbed the fact that
the professional military has completely given up on Rumsfeld...
admittedly a process which began for some "“uniforms" even before 9/11,
but which has continued to affect...or infect...virtually the whole
military establishment today.

So, it only seems appropriate to recycle "Green Eggs and Rumsfeld.".

You cannot quit
Not once not twice
You cannot quit
that is not nice

You must stay in
my cabinet
You cannot quit
No, no, not yet...

read the whole thing here.

Ann Coulter Has Some Splainin' To Do

Over five years after gleefully poking fun at the intelligence of Palm Beach County voters, Ann Coulter herself is having some problems with proper voting procedures in Palm Beach County.

Palm Beach County's elections supervisor has given the right wing's
unofficial mouthpiece 30 days to explain why she voted in the wrong

In a registered letter scheduled to be sent to her this week, Coulter
is asked to "clarify certain information as to her legal residence,"
elections boss Arthur Anderson said.

"We want to give her a chance," Anderson said. "She needs to tell us
where she really lives."

Or else? He could refer the case to State Attorney Barry Krischer for
criminal charges, Anderson said

Here in Florida it's a third-degree felony to knowingly vote in the wrong precinct, and lying on her voter's registration could land her in the pokey for up to five years (That's 35 in dog years) and set her back up to $5000.

In his official incident report released last week, poll worker
Jim Whited wrote that Coulter tried to vote in the Feb. 7 town council
election at Bethesda-by-the-Sea, the right place for a Seabreeze
resident. Coulter left in a hurry when, Whited said, he asked her to
correct the record. Later she cast her ballot at the St. Edward's
precinct, where real Indian Road residents go.

I couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

Elderly Porky Representatives Gone Wild

Forget the War on Christians. What about the war on non-believers? There's nothing that can put the fear of God into a person more than non-chalantly clicking over to read Talk Left and finding yourself face to face with this headline Sensenbrenner To Go Topless.

Good God Almighty.

Here, you can watch Rep. Sensenbrenner back in June 2005, shown with a top on, throwing a hissy fit then storming out of a committee meeting on the Patriot Act.

March 30, 2006

Chirac Butters up Condi

Yes, my leetle cumquat... please to not invade any more Meedle Eastern countrees on false pretenses.

Bush Frolics in Cancun in a Speedo While Iraqi Children Get Blown Up

Yesterday in his bloviations to the Freedom House in Washington, our Preznit, displaying his infinte capacity for compassion, said this.

One of the great things about America, one of the beauties of our
country, is that when we see a young, innocent child blown up by an
IED, we cry.

And when we see a president suppporting policies that get innocent children blown up by IEDs, we drink.

And when we hear him make a Speedo reference, we cringe and liberally apply brain sanitizer.

March 29, 2006

OK, Which One of You Guys Inadvertently Misplaced Habeas Corpus?

So we all do things inadvertently sometimes. We wear tops that inadvertently expose too much cleavage. We drink one too many jager bombs. We tell the quiet guy at the end of the bar that he's cute and inadvertently ask what his shoe size is. We inadvertently give out our phone number even after he tells us he just finished a lengthy stay in the pokey after inadvertently committing grand theft auto.

But one thing that we, nor any Congresscritter, would ever do inadvertently, and that would be, as The Heretik points out, is to suspend habeas corpus, whereby a prisoner in custody can challenge his or her imprisonment.

Justice Souter interrupted. "“Isn'’t there a pretty good argument
that suspension of the writ of habeas corpus is just about the most
stupendously significant act that the Congress of the United States
can take,"” he asked, "and therefore we ought to be at least a little
slow to accept your argument that it can be done from pure inadvertence?"

When Mr. Clement began to answer, Justice Souter persisted: "You are
leaving us with the position of the United States that the Congress may
validly suspend it inadvertently. Is that really your position?"”

Justice Scalia and one whacked out Solicitor General Paul D. Clement, on the other hand, think that would be a fine idea. They are pushing as hard as they can to get rid of that silly, silly legal precedent that goes back to the middle ages.

Explosively Formed Penetrators

Who says there's no good news coming out of Iraq?

". . . strongly warn U.S. citizens against travel to Iraq, which
remains very dangerous . . . planned and random killings, as well as
extortions and kidnappings . . . continue to be targeted by insurgent
groups and opportunistic criminals for kidnapping and murder . . .
credible information that terrorists are targeting civil aviation. ...
Extremely high risk to road transportation . . . attacks occur
throughout the day . . . heavy use of Improvised Explosive Devices
(IEDs), especially new-type Explosively Formed Penetrators
(EFPs). ... "

IEDs are so last year. Those bitches over in Iraq get Explosively Formed Penetrators, which is one heck of a lot more than they allow in Alabama.

Did Jesus Teach Money Laundering?

I found this little gem via All Spin Zone. SpinDentist can't seem to get the image of Tom DeLay "loving Jesus too much" out of his head (In a purely heterosexual way, I'm sure).

Here's Rick Scarborough touting the piety of our indicted former House Leader at the "War on Christians" conference.

"I believe the most damaging thing that Tom DeLay has done in his life
is take his faith seriously into public office, which made him a target for
all those who despise the cause of Christ," Scarborough said, introducing
DeLay on Tuesday. When DeLay finished, the host reminded the politician:
"God always does his best work right after a crucifixion."

Now maybe I was absent that day in Sunday School, but I'm pretty sure that Jesus taught love, forgiveness, and compassion, rather than money laundering, conspiracy, gerrymandering and voter disenfranchisement.

March 28, 2006

Drinking Liberally - Abramoff Sentencing Party/Wake

All ya'll that wanna come out and Drink Liberally, tomorrow is the big night!

We'll be meeting Wednesday, March 29th, 7:30pm at New World Brewery, 1313 E 8th Ave in Ybor City. There's free parking on both sides of the building and you can get a Blue Moon for the low, low price of $2.50/pint. Yummy and affordable.

But make sure you bring cash or your ATM card, as they don't accept credit cards. If you've never been before, you can find us with the Drinking Liberally logos on the tables.

As you probably know, Jack Abramoff, the "selfless patriot" who "bilked millions from Indian tribes and funneled millions of dollars through a labyrinth of fraudulent charities for personal gain and political leverage" will be sentenced tomorrow here in Florida for his role in the Sun Cruz Casino debacle.

I can't think of a much better reason to come out and get all liquored up in the name of freedom and democracy.

Who Says Abramoff Doesn't Have Any Friends Left?

He's got at least 260 of them. And those are the ones that went out of their way to write nice happy sunshiney letters about what a swell guy he is and why he deserves a light sentence.

"Jack as a caring, pious and generous man who dotes on his friends
and family."

... with money he stole from Indian tribes

Mr. Abramoff was a "selfless patriot" whose work in a conservative lobbying group, Citizens for America, in the 1980's was evidence of his desire "to make a positive contribution to the nation he loves so much."

... just before he became and Uber-Patriot and committed wire fraud.

Poor Jack could spend as many as seven years in prison for this, but my money is on a presidential pardon from Bush before he leaves office.

For grins, go listen to The House that Jack Bribed from Capitol Steps.

More Proof That Katherine Harris is Delusional

So, I figured I'd give you guys a break and wait until after lunch to link to this from the St. Pete Times.

According to Rep. Katherine Harris, her opponent is "in bed with Ted
Kennedy on gay marriage"

Now I'm all for equal rights for gays and lesbians, but the thought of the two of them "in bed together" in any sense of the word kind of turns my stomach.

But fortunately for us and our digestion, nothing of the sort ever took place, and Harris was just participating in an exercise in imaginative word play with republican talking points.

But the delusions don't stop there. She continues to yip yap about how "liberal" Nelson is, when most of us know darned good and well that Nelson is quite middle of the road. The St. Pete Times does a fabulous job debunking all of Harris's fantasies that project him as a radical left-wing baby killer who wears skirts and high heels to work and sleeps with Ted Kennedy.

And since it was a long weekend without much going on, Harris must have done an extra hit or two of LSD to suggest that her advertising consultant Adam Goodman, really didn't quit and that he "leaked" the information to the press, when in actuality, he did resign.

She said Goodman was still with the campaign and said "it was wrong" of
her to say he leaked information.

"I shouldn't have said that," she said.

Harris could not explain the change or make clear why she had first
refused to say whether Goodman was still working with her.

"I don't even know," she said. "That is so not like me."

Evidently the official K-Harris recommended drug regimen of wake and bake/LSD/cocaine/more LSD/Xanax didn't work for Goodman and he's moving on. To rehab probably. Or at the very least, perhaps a position with fewer mandatory hallucinogens

March 24, 2006

Friday Bart Blogging - March 24th Edition

Bart demonstrates the proper way to chew up a nylon bone, while Hunter from Daily Kos demonstrates the proper way to bring down a rabid rightwing journalist plagarist.

March 23, 2006

They Can Have My Vibrator When They Pry it From My Cold, Dead Hands

This post that I found on Blondesense about the silliness of outlawing the
sale of sex toys got me to thinkin'.

Say it with me, ladies: "They can have my vibrator when they pry it from my cold, dead hands."

Now I'm not a huge fan of guns on a personal level, but I am a big fan of the second amendment. I don't want to own a gun, but far be it from me or my government to prohibit you from owning a gun. Just please don't shoot me Mr. Heston.

But guns do kill people. Vibrators however, don't. They make women smile. And sometimes they make men smile too. Bazillions of people die every year because of guns, tobbacco and crappy driving. But I don't think anyone has every died from using a vibrator (but please, please correct me if I'm wrong).

To quote a friend of mine:

Don't get me wrong. I have an extremely dirty mind. And I revel in
fetish and perversion. I don't like it all. Some of it, I don't even get.

Foot fetish? Feet? Some guys don't even need the feet, they get off on
the shoes. The furverts. That's weird.

But I enjoy the fact that so much of it is funny and weird and about as
diverse as life in general. It makes me laugh and makes me happy
that people, grown up people, find so many fun and silly ways to make
themselves happy.

Yes, sex toys make people happy. They don't hurt people. So, how any government can outlaw the sale of sex toys, and then go and repeal gun control laws is truly, truly mind boggling.

March 22, 2006

Funny Looks Black Kids Give the Bushes - Part 6

A sixth grader in New Jersey dares her friend to tell Laura Bush how she really feels.

See the previous segments of the series here, here, here, here and here.

Fear and Loathing in Longboat Key - Widow's Mite Edition

Poor little Katherine Harris. Due to lagging fundraising, lack of GOP support, and her ever-delightful stage presence, she has been forced to donate $10 million of her own stash to finance her pathetic campaign. She went on Nightline last night to remind us all that $10 million is simply a widow's mite.

"I am willing to take this widow's mite, this pearl of great price, and put everything on the line," she told Donvan.

As an astute Wonkette operative points out, a widow's mite is "the small amount of money that a widow put in the alms tray, which Jesus said was worth more than a great amount given by a rich man."

She's the queen of diamonds playing the pity card. It would take the average Florida voter about 250 years to earn a widow's mite that hefty, so you can certainly see why she deserves our sympathy and support. Also she and her husband own all kinds of real estate and other fancy do-dads, putting her remaining wealth at up to $39 million.

So please pray for Katherine, and ask your friends and family to pray as well, so she can continue to put extravagant seven course dinners and expensive french wine on her table and blue eye shadow on her eyelids.

We've Got Spirit, Yes We Do. The FCAT is a Bunch of Poo-Poo

Q. What's stupider than tying teacher pay to FCAT scores?

A. Making up your own lyrics to Mambo #5 to support the policy.

Put a little FCAT in my life/A little bit of reading by my side/A
little bit of writing is all I need . . .

I'm doing good on FCAT/Yes I am .

I just hope it doesn't take Jim Davis too long to dismantle all the gawd awful things Jeb Bush has done to Florida schools.

Role Reversal on Pennsylvania Avenue

Reading what a comedian George Bush has been lately in his press conference and Q&A sessions doesn't really have me as worried as it does some others. He can't come up with serious answers that can hold water, so he just makes jokes instead, hoping the press will focus on his exquisite sense of humor rather than his failed foreign and domestic policies.

We are not surprised.

But, what really has me ill-at-ease is this line.

"I like to, like, reverse roles sometimes," the president explained.


fade out and cut to...Laura Bush wielding a 12 inch strap on and liberating the presidential anus, while satin panties fall around the presidential ankles. Bringing freedom where only festering tyranny use to pass through. Spreading Santorum liberally throughout the presidential boudoir. Fighting the insurgency of a sphincter intelligently designed by our Creator for retreat.

Yes, it's role reversal time on Pennsylvania Avenue and George Bush is advancing democracy by empowering women, and he's starting at home.

May God Bless America.

March 20, 2006

Fear and Loathing in Longboat Key - On the Campaign Trail with Katherine Harris

If I didn't have a mortgage and a dog, I think I'd follow Katherine Harris around the campaign trail. Just like the Deadheads or the Phishheads, I'd go to all her speeches and fundraisers and see her work her adoring fans into a frenzy. I'd sell LSD to support my new hobby and sample it myself to make her tired old speeches more interesting. How often can you listen to things like "I'm staying. I'm in this race. I'm going to win," without getting bored. Now if you hear "I'm staying. I'm in this race. I'm going to win," while an angry-looking Ivana Trump with horns bursts forth from her forehead, you might keep coming back for more.

On Sunday she told a bunch of evangelicals that God wants her in public service, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to see it. But don't you think she might be misreading God's signals? I'm just sure that He doesn't want her to run for Senate, He wants her to pick up garbage and recycling or maybe cut the grass in public parks. Really, what kind of God would want Katherine Harris in the U.S. Senate? Maybe the vengeful one of the Old Testament. Were we naughty? Might this be punishment for our evil ways?

And then she went on to tell the crowd that she draws inspiration from the book A Christian Manifesto, that calls for "Christian activists to demand "biblical morality" in government affairs." As you can plainly see, she is hallucinating. She must be getting some of the best LSD this side of San Francisco to wholly disregard the First Amendment like that. And the folks in the audience must be pretty well dosed up too, cuz they gave her a standing ovation.

So let's go get us a VW Microbus, equip it with shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and head towards her next stop! Who's in?

You Are a Donkey, Mr. Bush

Ya gotta hand it to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez for speaking so eloquently and forthright.

"You are a donkey, Mr. Bush," said Chavez, speaking in English on his
weekly Sunday broadcast.

"You're an alcoholic Mr. Danger, or rather, you're a drunkard," Chavez
said, referring to Bush by a nickname he frequently uses to describe
the U.S. president.

In other news, Bush spent the better part of Sunday braying about what a "success" the war in Iraq is, but was too chicken to use the word "war."

What an ass.

March 17, 2006

Friday Bart Blogging - St. Patty's Day Edition

Bart searches he kitchen cabinets for $781 billion to fund the increase in the federal government's debt ceiling.

March 16, 2006

Katherine "Sorority Girl With Boyfriend Drama" Harris

If you didn't watch her on Fox "News" last night, Katherine Harris is staying in the Florida Senate race. Good thing, as I don't know what I'd write about if it weren't for her.

And not only that, a Republican consultant compared her to a sorority girl with boyfriend drama.

"We've wasted a month," lamented Republican consultant Rick Wilson,
who has worked previously for Harris. "She's like the sorority girl in
college who's always got the boyfriend drama."

Yes, she truly is the gift that keeps on giving. I was going to make a donation to her campaign/make up fund, but now that she's giving $10 million of her own money, I think I'll send it to Bill Nelson instead.

March 15, 2006

BREAKING - Katherine Harris Makes Big Super Special Important Weighty Announcement

Tonight on Fox News'(go figure) Hannity and Colmes, Katherine Harris will make her highly anticipated announcement.

My only hope is that she touches on why she's wearing her pants so high and why her stirrups are so dangerously low. I've heard that if you fall off that horse, you should get right back on, but if she'd fix those stirrups and stop taking illegal campaign contributions, maybe she wouldn't fall off in the first place.

Odds are 3 to 1 that she'll do the interview in profile to accent her "pneumatic breasts."

Forward This to Five People Or You'll Loose Your Democracy

OMG, The President so broke the law. He was like totally spying on American citizens without a court order in direct violation of FISA and the fourth amendment to the Constitution.

This really groovy senator in Wisconsin wants to censure him, and only a few of the other senators have backed him up so far so.

So, whatcha gotta do, is write a quick letter to your two senators and ask them to support Feingold's measure.

It's really easy. If you don't know who your senators are, click here and search for your state. Then click on the link that says "Web Form" and write a short note to your senators something like this.

"I'm writing to urge you to support Senator Feingold's censure measure. Our country cannot afford to have a president willfully and arrogantly defying our laws. Homeland Security and gathering intelligence from terrorists is important, but so are our civil rights."

Then, email five of your friends and ask them to do the same thing. If you don't, you'll have bad luck. Trust me. I know some people that didn't forward this on, and they are now in a prison in Eastern Europe being tortured.

March 14, 2006

Katherine Harris's - Florida's Woman of Mystery

I don't know about you guys, but I'm on the edge of my seat for this one. I'm all atwitter wondering what Katherine Harris's "Major Announcement" this week is going to be.

The Tampa Tribune says she might be leaving her congressional seat, or maybe donating a whole buncha money to her campaign. As those two things don't sound that "major" and even a little boring, and given that methinks the Tampa Tribune always falls painfully short on idle speculation, I have some other theories.

1. She's swearing off suntan panty hose forever in favor if fishnets.
2. She's going to admit to the public that her boobs really are fake.
3. She's changing her shade of eye shadow.
4. She's pregnant with Mitchell Wade's love child, and she's using the $32,000 in illegal campaign contributions to help raise the little nipper.
5. She's going to start wearing those new-fangled pointy shoes.
6. She made cake in celebration of clearing up her nasty case of chlamydia.
7. She's going to apologize for her role in helping Bush steal the election and throw herself on the mercy of the reality-based community for public flogging and humiliation.

Please let me know if you guys have any other theories.

When Regret Follows Seduction

Let's say you're in Mexico, just over the border and some dude seduces you into coming inside to see the donkey show. You think that might be interesting. You always wondered how they did it. You've always been curious about who's on top, who's doing all the work, and the logistics of the whole act. So ya go in there and take a look. That's when regret starts to kick in. It's the most nauseating, gruesome thing you've ever seen in your life. You want to leave, but your buddy insists that you stay.

Similarly British General Whitley started to feel a little regret back in mid 2003 about marching into Iraq.

That assessment is reinforced by Major General Albert Whitley, the
most senior British officer with the US land forces. Gen Whitley, in
another memo later that summer, expressed alarm that the US-British
coalition was in danger of losing the peace. "We may have been
seduced into something we might be inclined to regret.
strategic failure a possibility? The answer has to be 'yes'," he

Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld and the crew lured Great Britain into the donkey show with promises of victory and a speedy exit. But once they got in there, they were disgusted and dumbfounded. It was an "unbelievable mess" with no plan for the post-invasion phase. Now years later, Britain is still there. A party to the horrible disgustingness of what is left of Iraq and the gawd awful abuses and deaths that happen every day. Regret sunk in a long time ago, but still today, they're stuck there watching that nasty donkey show because no one bothered to come up with an exit strategy.

Channeling Hunter S. Thompson to Help With My Basketball Picks

I'm growing weary of the "UConn's gonna take the title" chorus. Did they not see their sad performance against Syracuse in the Big East tournament? Did they write those articles before that game and then get so drunk and stoned that they couldn't change them?

I used to know a guy from Connecticut. But I'm not one of those vindictive ex-girlfriends that hates you forever, slashes your tires or tells everyone about that funny rash you get on your pecker when you get stressed out, I simply root against your basketball team until the end of time.

The acrimony I feel for UConn spreads into the whole of the Big East. They get eight teams in the tournament while the ACC and the Big 12 get a paltry four apiece? ESPN is located in Connecticut, and I think we all can see that cronyism isn't just for Republicans anymore. Those bastards take over the airwaves. Public opinion as well as coaches and sports writers opinions are influenced, and before you have time to call your Senator and ask him to support Feingold's censure motion, those cocksuckers in the Big East stole another title.

And then there's this travesty of justice. Huskies coach Calhoun, allowed Marcus Williams to come back and play in December while suspending A.J. Price for the whole season when they were both equally naughty. But Williams is one of his favorites, and Price, well, he isn't. Marcus Williams is outside the law and George Bush is outside the law. Whether it's for spying on Americans without a court order or granting special favors to one of your boys and screwing the other one, karma will eventually rear her ugly head. In the Big Dance, a War Crimes Tribunal or in Hell. They will both get their just desserts.

So anyway, Hunter clued me into the first round upsets. He said there will be no 5/12 seed upsets this year, irritating sports writers everywhere for years to come, and not to put any money on W. Virginia, Arkansas, Indiana, Oklahoma, Cal and as much as he loves his Wildcats, his money is on UAB this year.

March 10, 2006

Friday Bart Blogging - March 10th, 2006 Edition

Bart causes 'harm and pain' to his bone

March 09, 2006

Funny Looks Black Kids Give the Bushes - Part 5

It's a bit difficult to see this young chap's face, but I'm sure he's none too happy that the President is trying to steal his seat.

See the previous segments of the series here, here and here and here.

Rick Santorum Gets his Lobbyist Fix

Senator Rick Santorum tired really, really hard to give up those K-Street meetings every Tuesday morning. A few months ago, he vowed to come clean.

Santorum, whose ties to Washington lobbyists have been criticized by his
Democratic challenger, suspended his biweekly encounters on Jan. 30.

But you know what they say.... Once an addict, always an addict. He's back at it now, only in a different location

But in the month since his announcement, Santorum has held two
meetings attended by the same core group of lobbyists, and has used
the sessions to appeal for campaign aid, according to participants.
Both of those meetings were convened at the same time as the previous
meetings -- 8:30 a.m. -- on the same day of the week -- Tuesday --
and they lasted for about as long as the earlier meetings -- one hour.

The nervousness, diarrhea, insomnia, the poor concentration, cold sweats and the twitching must have been too much for him. Going cold turkey just isn't going to cut it for this sweaty, twitchy Senator from Pennsylvannia. Or Virginia. Or wherever he might tell you he's from to get one more hit.

But I'm here to help. So, without further adieu, I give you the Official Lobbyist Addiction 12 Step Program.

1. We admitted we were powerless without lobbyists; that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than us sleazy politicians could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our constituents(people, not corporations and lobbyists) as we understood them.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of campaign finance transgressions.
5. Admitted to the people, to ourselves, and to the little guys that got screwed the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have Dick Cheney shoot us in the face.
7. Humbly asked Karl Rove to not end our White House support for re-election
8. Made a list of all the people we had ass-fucked, and provide anal lube and medical treatment if necessary
9. Made direct amends to the aforementioned ass-fucked wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to return Abramoff-tainted campaign money and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through meetings and baby-kissing to improve our conscious contact with people (not lobbyists or corporations), gathering knowledge of what I can do as a Congressman to make their lives better.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sleazy politicians, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

March 08, 2006

What Have You Been Benching, Buff Guy?

It's finally all coming together as to why the White House won't release any photos of George Bush with disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

They might want you to think it's because Bush doesn't want to be associated with another criminal, or that Abramoff is holding out to the highest bidder in order to pad his legal fund. But I think Vanity Fair might be on to something.

And the time when the president joked with Abramoff about his weight lifting: "What are you benching, buff guy?"

This seems obvious that the President of the United States was making a pass at Abramoff. I don't think anyone of sound mind could possibly come to a different conclusion.

And I think we now know the real reason Abramoff opted out of that Crawford fund raiser in 2003. He was mortally afraid that George Bush would rape him, or at the very least drop a roofie in his drink, then sneak into his bedroom late at night wanting to cuddle.

March 07, 2006

Bitch, Step Away From the Microphone

"I'm the President, and I wanna talk! It's my turn, bitches!!!"

How frolicking with lobbyists can leave you feeling "sticky"

The shindig that businesses such as Ford, Anheuser-Busch, Sprint and Wal-Mart put on for Florida legislators this year was sparsely attended. Lobbyists and businesses can no longer buy stuff for Florida politicians. Not dinner, not drinks, not lap dances, not hookers. Thus there was a $28 entrance fee this year.

Sen. Nancy Argenziano, R-Crystal River likes the new rules, because she doesn't like that "sticky" feeling she used to get after cavorting with lobbyists.

"Now you can pay for it. Now it doesn't feel sticky," said Sen. Nancy
Argenziano, R-Crystal River, who attended one other opening party in the
past 10 years. "It used to feel sticky."

Even though this new rule is in place, politicians can still collect thousands of dollars in soft-money contributions for their "campaigns" from corporations and lobbyists, which they can in turn spend willy nilly on "meals, plane tickets, rental cars, computers, furniture and cell phones" and God only know what else.

I think Rep. Ron Reagan from Sarasota (not to be confused with Ron Reagan, the former president's son) says it best.

"This is a perfect example of how it can work," Reagan said, after
paying for his ticket. "I've always cum in the past; I'll cum in the

* some of the spelling in this quote has been changed to better reflect the true meaning the Representative was attempting to convey.

March 06, 2006

George Bush Has Cooties

In case you had any doubts, it's settled now. George W. Bush and his entourage have cooties.

Priests Purify Shrine After Bush Visit

Hindu priests who look after the memorial of Indian independence
leader Mohandas Gandhi conducted a purification ceremony at the shrine
after a visit from President Bush.

It's just a shame that we can't just cross our fingers to deflect all his war mongering like we did on the grade school playground when the icky boys tried to spread the dreaded cooties.

Katherine Harris's Busy Weekend

After having a really tough week, with being accused of knowingly taking illegal campaign contributions and then implicated in a nasty bribery scandal, U.S. Republican Senatorial candidate and blue eyeshadow magnate, Katherine Harris has cancelled several of her public appearances and is "hiding."

Harris, who is running for the U.S. Senate, abruptly canceled a stop in
Charlotte County on Saturday, and four other events planned for Lee and
Collier counties were removed from her campaign Web site.

So how, pray tell, do you suppose Ms. Harris spent her weekend? The main stream media is good for some things, but when it comes to engaging in wild speculation, they are consistently and woefully inadequate.

So being the kind and altruistic person that I am, I figured I'd help out and share my thoughts.

1. Full body laser hair-removal?
2. One last sordid passionate weekend with Mitchell Wade before they both go off to separate men's and women's prisons?
3. Getting rid of that toenail fungus problem once and for all?
4. Re-writing the words to Janet Jackson's song 'What Have You Done For Me Lately' to fit her own situation?
5. Corresponding with Fox News in order to get a cushy soft-ball interview that highlights her best assets
6. Toilet Papering Bill Nelson's house?

This is all just rumination of course, so if I left anything out, please let me know.

March 05, 2006

New Look

So whaddya think of the new look?

I also switched over to Haloscan comments. So those embarrassing comments you posted previously.... well, lucky for you, they are all gone. Unless of course, you click on the permalink, but let's keep that as our little secret for now.

March 03, 2006

Bart Blogging - March 3, 2006

Bart doesn't see India as a threat in regards to jobs or nukes. But then he also never anticipated that the levees would be breached.

Lowering The Level of Discourse

[09:45] me: i spent an hour writing a kick ass editorial for the st. pete times yesterday and those pussies didn't publish it
[09:45] my friend: what was it about?
[09:45] me: i'll send it to you
[09:45] my friend: k
[09:46] me: you're @yahoo, right?
[09:46] my friend: yup
[09:50] my friend: i got a "ur momma's so ugly" joke ...wanna hear it?
[09:50] me: wait.. i just sent you a literary work of art, and you're gonna tell me a "ur momma's so ugly" joke?
[09:51] my friend: yep
[09:51] my friend: ur momma so ugly that her birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom company

So for those of you that might find this a wee bit more interesting than a "ur momma's so ugly" joke, here it is.

Watching President Bush on video last night being briefed on what a horrible storm hurricane Katrina was expected to be was just another sad reminder of all of this Adminstration’s failures. Time after time, they were forewarned about potential disasters and time after time, they failed to act to stop or minimize their effects. Then afterwards, to add insult to injury, they deny that they were ever forewarned.

The intelligence community knew full well back in 1998 that terrorists were looking into using airplanes as missiles. However after the 9/11 attacks when the twin towers went down and over 3000 people lost their lives, George Bush said “had I had any inkling whatsoever that people were going to fly airplanes into buildings, we would have moved heaven and earth to protect the country.”

The CIA raised all kinds of doubts that Iraq was buying uranium from Niger, yet Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld continued to press the issue of going to war with Iraq in order to stop them from building WMDs. We now know for a fact that Iraq was not buying uranium from Niger and had no related weapons program, yet the Bush Administration continues to this day to claim that they were just sure Iraq had WMDs.

Similarly, White House officials were warned over and over by military experts and intelligence officials that a growing insurgency might cause all kinds of messy problems in rebuilding Iraq. Today we see Iraq on the brink of civil war and an insurgency that appears to continue growing stronger. Yet we have Defense Department official Paul Bremer saying "We really didn't see the insurgency coming."

Then last night, on a video taken the day before hurricane Katrina hit land, we see George Bush begin warned that the levees could break and then arrogantly asserting that we are “fully prepared” to deal with the aftermath. As we all know, the levees did break, and over a thousand people died and over a thousand are still missing. Yet, a few days after the storm, he stated “I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees.”

This cycle of being warned, failing to act, and then denying the warning is getting a bit tedious. As can be seen in Bush’s latest CBS News poll approval ratings of 34%, the American people are on to this routine, and we see the devastation it can cause.

Since it was meant to be in print, there's no links, but if you go visit Ricky, you can find most of the references.

UPDATE: OK, I'm so sorry I called the folks at the St. Pete Times pussies. I hope they accept my most humble apologies. They did end up publishing it, just a day later.

March 02, 2006

Fox "News" - Spreading Filth For Over 2000 Years?

After Fox News posed the question of whether civil war in Iraq is a good thing, then goes out there and on a limb and suggests that all the killing is just a figment of our imaginations and that the media is making it up, one might get to pondering what it would have been like if Fox "News" had been around throughout history.

How would they have dealt with the Kent State riots, The Boston Tea Party, slavery and the civil rights movement?

Would we see a Bill O'Reilly talking point stating "Slavery is essential for an agrarian economy. Mr. Lincoln seems to forget that. He should remember where the cloth from his suits comes from - cotton from the prosperous South?"

Would they have posed the question as to whether Martin Luther King, Jr was "African-American" or "Anti-American?"

All this and more is right here at your finger tips.

Katherine Harris's Bark Collar Working Splendidly

The St. Petersburg Times has a nice article today that uses the words "dog" and "Harris" (as in Katherine Harris) in the headline.

New questions dog the Harris campaign

I'm not suggesting this is a coincidence of any kind. Really, I'm not. Really. I swear. I'm not

So what questions are "dogging" the Harris campaign? Aside from those pesky little issues of taking illegal contributions from a defense contractor, and not addressing all the silly questions the media and her constituents have, I think the major questions probably involve makeup.

What shade of eyeshadow is best with a green skin tone, a hooked nose and a pointy black hat?

What ever will happen if her Official Campaign Makeup Artist quits, like so many others have?

I think those are really the questions that are "dogging" Katherine Harris and her staff, and anything else just detracts from what her campaign is really all about. And once her bark collar is removed, I can't wait to hear what she has to say.

Supreme Snoozing

I never found gerrymandering particularly captivating, and there's nothing that entices me to make another pot of coffee more than geometry.

So it seems that Ruth Bader Ginsburg feels the same way.

But the geometric discussion evidently did not interest Justice Ruth
Bader Ginsburg. At first, she appeared to be reading something in her lap.
But after a while, it became clear: Ginsburg was napping on the bench.

Likewise, I pouring over the Texas map and neglecting to finding any districts shaped like penises, I too became fatigued.

Perhaps both Ginsburg and I need to get more exercise. Unlike Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who gets up at 4:30 in the morning to exercise rather than say, at "7:30 to practice diplomacy."

March 01, 2006

Shocker of the Day - March 1, 2006

I know this may come as a surprise to many of you, but it has come to my attention that unintended pregnancies are directly related to abortions.

"The most powerful and least divisive way to decrease abortion is to
reduce unintended pregnancy," said Sarah Brown, director of the
nonpartisan National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. "If we can
make progress reducing unintended pregnancy, we can make enormous
progress reducing abortion."

I know, I know. Take a moment to digest this new thought-provoking information.

However, it is unfortunate that 33 states have made contraceptives and related medical care more difficult to come by.

From 1994 to 2001, many states cut funds for family planning, enacted
laws restricting access to birth control and placed tight controls on sex
education, said the institute, a privately funded research group that
focuses on sexual health and family issues.

And it's even more unfortunate that people like Rick Santorum go on teevee and spout off about how birth control harms women and society.