It's Recess-time Somewhere

Ronda Storms - Now Fucking With Families All Over the State of Florida

2007-03-07T10:38:00.000-05:00

Ronda Storms, who wasn't just batshit crazy enough for Hillsborough County went and got herself elected to the Florida Senate last November. There, she continues the trend of batshit craziness.

Proposed legislation from Tampa's Sen. Ronda Storms would require
health care workers and abortion clinics to take DNA samples from
children younger than 16 who get pregnant.

[...]

If the bill passes, abortion clinics or doctors who don't comply with the law could face a two-year license suspension. So far Storms has no
co-sponsors. The bill has not been referred to a committee.

So let's say your daughter gets pregnant. You don't want to press charges against her irresponsible horny boyfriend and neither does she. You all just want to do whatever is best given the situation and move on in your lives. But no, there's no moving on! The Great State of Florida wants DNA samples.

Let say your daughter wants to have the child and the boyfriend wants to try to be a good daddy... but he can't because he's in jail. Let's say your daughter wants an abortion and just wants to put the whole thing behind her.... but she can't because she's wrapped up in a lawsuit she never wanted.

For someone who yaps (albeit sometimes incoherently) about being all family-friendly and whatnot, this putrid nonsense really has the potential to fuck with families when they are dealing with a serious crisis.

I think it might be time to for that lesbian motorcycle gang to ride up to Tallahassee and knock some sense into that woman.

I triple dog dare any of Florida's lawmakers to co-sponsor this rancid excuse for effective legislation.

Speaking of Ugly Cracks.....

2007-03-05T13:09:00.000-05:00

In trying to get a visual on just how ugly it really was, I came across this - best viewed at home (it's not at all work-safe) with a friend, family member or perhaps a stoner neighbor who does cartoon voice impressions.

Hat tip to Michelle Malkin is an Idiot for the nice CNN screen capture. Hopefully she'll be reporting soon on where the media was, and if they still smell funny.

John Kerry Gets His Kink On

2007-02-23T11:26:00.000-05:00

"I've had enough of 'nonbinding,' " said Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.),
who is helping to draft the new Democratic proposal.

Bring out the ball-gags and the fur-lined handcuffs. John Kerry is done with
this nonbinding vanilla nonsense and the Senate Floor might just get a lot more interesting!

Senate Democratic leaders intend to unveil a plan next week to repeal
the 2002 resolution authorizing the war in Iraq in favor of narrower
authority that restricts the military's role and begins withdrawals of
combat troops.

[...]

In both chambers, Democratic lawmakers are eager to take up
binding legislation that would impose clear limits on U.S. involvement
in Iraq after nearly four years of war. But Democrats remain divided
over how to proceed.

I'm not saying Pelosi and the fine folks in the House are ho-hum or frigid, but their non-binding resolutions just don't cut the muster and quite frankly bore me. Enough of that kinder, gentler stuff. Nay, the American people, want something hard-core and binding. So bring out the shackles, the restraints and the blindfolds and lets see where this plan goes.

I only hope we can watch all the uncensored action on C-SPAN and Dick Cheney is absent that day.

Are Beans Good For Cheney's Heart?

2007-02-22T08:35:00.000-05:00

... does the more he eat, the more he fart?

As much as I'd delight in seeing the whole lot of scoundrels involved in the Plame leak go down in a fiery crash of presidential pardons, I am of not of the school of counting my boogers before you sneeze. I am however, an apprentice in the school of making sophomoric pokes at the Vice President.
"There is a cloud over the vice president . . . And that cloud remains
because this defendant obstructed justice," Fitzgerald said.

"There is a cloud over the White House. Don't you think the FBI and the
grand jury and the American people are entitled to straight answers?"
Fitzgerald asked the jury.

Dan Froomkin may think Fitzgerald is alluding to going after Cheney or some of the other maggots in the Bush Administration, but it seems readily apparent to me that they were simply serving beans at the White House yesterday.

The Path to Freedom is Paved with Mixed Metaphors

2007-02-20T14:33:00.000-05:00

Not unlike George Washington's heroic crossing of the Delaware and defeating the British in the bitter cold, George W. Bush ambled down the Potomac bundled up in his toasty black wool trench coat to pay homage to our first President by courageously laying some wreath thingy at his grave, and gallantly making some bold analogies.

Mr. Bush drew an analogy between the Revolution and what he called
“a new war to defend our liberty and our people and our way of life,”
wording that left unclear whether he meant the combat in Iraq or the
broader fight against terror.

“With the advantage of hindsight, it is easy to take George
Washington’s successes for granted,” Mr. Bush said after enumerating
Washington’s achievements as commander of the Continental Army and
later as president. But “America’s path to freedom was long and it was
hard,” he continued, “and the outcome was never really certain.”

As an honest American citizen paying taxes in 2007, I too sometimes get war confused with drunken anal sex. But you'd think that the President, our Commander in Chief, the Decider who sits on the front lines of his warm and comfortable oval office each day cogitating on his stellar approval ratings and how well things are going in Iraq might remember the difference.

With both the war in Iraq and drunken anal sex, you never really know for certain how long it's gonna last but you can feel in the pit of your bowels that it is most definitely long and hard.

Condi's First Three-Way

2007-02-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

She thought it would be great fun. She thought she'd have another amusing anecdote to share at frat parties, baby showers and family reunions. But to all of our dismay, Condi, Ehud and Mahmoud had those first-time threesome jitters.

For the first time in her tenure, Rice sat down with Israeli Prime
Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud
Abbas. The three agreed only to keep talking.

Was it the jetlag? Was she gassy from the airplane food? Was she self-conscious about the three-day growth since her last bikini wax? Might a glass of wine have loosened her up a bit?

We can speculate and speculate until the donkeys come home to roost with the farm cats, but the sheepish threesome refused to even hold a joint press conference afterwards. We may never know what really went on during those two short furtive hours.

The one glimmer of hope that remains is the possibility of a future "meeting."

Israeli sources reported that Israel is now planning a bigger summit
that would include the U.S, Israel, Palestine, Egypt and Jordan.

I only pray that next time the TSA turns a blind eye to the decidedly more than three ounces of K-Y in her carry-on.

Friday Bart Blogging - Feb 9th, 2007 Edition

2007-02-09T07:57:00.000-05:00

Now that Bart knows the Pentegon's intelligence leading up to the Iraq War was simply "wrong," "distorted," "inappropriate" and "highly disturbing," and not illegal, he can go back to nibbling peacefully on his bone instead of orchestrating impeachment hearings.

Bush Provides Aid and Comfort to Known Wife Beater

2006-09-22T08:24:00.000-05:00

George Bush stops in Tampa, chats with the Bucs and wonders how hard he could beat his wife if he had biceps the size of Michael Pittman's.

Friday Bart Blogging - July 28th, 2006 Edition

2006-07-28T09:47:00.000-05:00

Bart ponders drafting new legislation that would grant doggies involved in the terrorism fight new protections against prosecution for past violations of the Anti-Sock Chewing Act of 2004.

Despite Her Prominent Adam's Apple, Ann Coulter Suggests Bill Clinton is Gay

2006-07-26T10:41:00.000-05:00

When she's not reading make-up tips in Cosmo on how to cover up an adam's apple or accusing 9/11 widows of enjoying their husbands' deaths, Ann Coulter is busy yapping on teevee about ex-presidents being homosexuals.

Ms. COULTER: I think that sort of rampant promiscuity does show some
level of latent homosexuality.

DEUTSCH: OK, I think you need to say that again. That Bill Clinton, you
think on some level, has - is a latent homosexual, is that what you're
saying?

Ms. COULTER: Yeah. I mean, not sort of just completely anonymous - I don't
know if you read the Starr report, the rest of us were glued to it, I have many passages memorized. No, there was more plot and dialogue in a porno movie.

[...]

Ms. COULTER: It's reminiscent of a bathhouse. It's just this obsession
with your own - with your own essence.

DEUTSCH: But why is that homosexual? You could say narcissistic.

Ms. COULTER: Right.

DEUTSCH: You could say nymphomaniac.

Ms. COULTER: Well, there is something narcissistic about homosexuality.
Right? Because you're in love with someone who looks like you. I'm not
breaking new territory here, why are you looking at me like that?

Maybe he's looking at you like that because you are completely batshit insane? But that's just a guess.

Jeb! Has a Dream....

2006-07-25T09:14:00.000-05:00

...only it's a wee bit different than the one Martin Luther King, Jr. had.

Folks, we don't have to wait until November. It appears that Jeb Bush is officially done doing any real Governor-ing. Instead he's gallivanting around Europe on a "trade mission," apologizing for his brother's saying naughty words, gleefully purchasing $71.38 of school supplies, and waxing philosophical about the good ol' days when he asked an aide to "kick their asses out," when those pesky reporters were getting on his nerves.

Now, I'm not 100% sure what a "trade mission" is or what might have been traded or whether it came in powder, pill or tab form, but it must have been something pretty strong for him to start daydreaming about Palm Beach County lobbing missiles at Deerfield Beach.

"Let's assume that Broward or Dade was a country and Palm Beach
lobbed a missile into Deerfield Beach or Hillsboro Beach. Or if we were
a small country and Canada attacked us in that way or Mexico did. Or,
worse yet, terrorist groups operating with impunity inside of another
country even though the United Nations had passed resolutions to get
them to disarm and had done nothing about it."

Jeb's just jealous of the Mid East leaders that get to deal with all the cool stuff like blood and guts and violence and war in their countries. But maybe if he gets to be the President some day he'll lead the US to being a net importer of violence rather than a net exporter. At the very least, it gives us something to aspire to.

Where There's a Will to Screw People Over, There's a Way

2006-07-24T15:08:00.000-05:00

True to their malicious, spiteful, vindictive and evil ways, the Bush Administration has found a new crafty way to screw over average tax payers and line the pockets of the wealthy.

Since they haven't been able to ass-rape Congress into repealing the estate tax completely, they're just gonna stop enforcing it.

The federal government is moving to eliminate the jobs of nearly half
of the lawyers at the Internal Revenue Service who audit tax returns of
some of the wealthiest Americans, specifically those who are subject to
gift and estate taxes when they transfer parts of their fortunes to their
children and others.

The administration plans to cut the jobs of 157 of the agency's 345 estate
tax lawyers, plus 17 support personnel, in less than 70 days.

[...]

Estate tax lawyers are the most productive tax law enforcement
personnel at the I.R.S., according to Mr. Brown. For each hour they work,
they find an average of $2,200 of taxes that people owe the government.

[...]

"This is not a game the poor will win, but the rich will," said
John Hruska, another I.R.S. estate tax lawyer in New York who, like Ms.
Phillips, is active in the National Treasury Employees Union, which
represents I.R.S. workers.

Colleen M. Kelley, the national union president, said: "If these
lawyers are not there to audit the gift and estate tax returns, then a
lot of taxes that should be paid will go uncollected, and that impacts
every taxpayer who is paying their fair share."

Shouldn't the bastards that are getting rich off of our fucked-up policies and lack of oversight at the very least pay their taxes? They're like bizzaro Robin Hood - robbing from the poor and giving to the rich. I know it's overused phrase, but if you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention.

The Gospel of Anal Sex

2006-06-22T12:47:00.000-05:00

Maybe all you perverts out there already know about this one, but while I was making the blog rounds, I came across this from Skippy.

Anal sex is confusing to many Christians because of the attention
paid to the Bible's condemnation of homosexual acts. However, it's
important to realize that these often quoted scriptures refer only to
sexual acts between two men. Nowhere does the Bible forbid anal sex
between a male and female.

In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between
men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how "The virgins of
Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground," indicating how a
virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex.
Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman's pride in her "valley"
(referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices
her lover to ejaculate against her backside: "How boastful you are
about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures,
{saying,} ' Who will come against me?' (Jeremiah 49:4) And in the
Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from
behind: "Draw me after you, let us make haste." (Song of Solomon, 1:4)

I would think this should be more than enough enticement for some of you to scorn that false idol, the Flying Spaghetti Monster and bring you back into the fold.

And by "back in the fold," I think you know what I mean.

Mainstream Media Knows It's Being Used

2006-06-20T10:13:00.000-05:00

You know how it works, you've been there before. You stay late to watch the band, you give the drummer that look. You know... the one that Nala gives Simba near the beginning of the first Lion King movie. You've been practicing it daily since you saw the movie.

You finally catch his eye, stumble out of the club together, and slip down the alley way between a dumpster and a beat up Cutlass. Under a moonless night sky, you do things with him that your mother can't pronounce and things you'll be too embarrassed to tell your best friend. Afterwards, he tells you that he must go, as his girlfriend is waiting for him.

"You know you're being used, but in a way you kind of like it."

During the June 18 edition of CNN's Reliable Sources, Gloria Borger,
a CBS News contributor and U.S. News & World Report contributing editor,
acknowledged that the media "are suckers" because of their coverage of
President Bush's surprise June 13 trip to Iraq. Adding that "[w]e do
like these secret trips," Borger concluded: "[Y]ou know you're being used,
but in a way you kind of like it because it's good pictures."

They lure you in with promises of fame and fortune, pleasure and pain. Even from the beginning, you know how it's going to end. You're encouraging the lies, savoring the deceit and gleefully lapping up each and every last drop of subterfuge. But you do it anyway for those fleeting tingles, hoping and praying that your actions don't hurt our flailing democracy or, heaven forbid give you another one of those nasty infections.

Friday Bart Blogging - June 9th Edition

2006-06-09T13:28:00.000-05:00

Bart celebrates Tom DeLay's leaving Congress by nibbling on his bone.

Friday Bart Blogging - June 2nd, 2006

2006-06-02T14:18:00.000-05:00

Bart sits like a good boy, anxiously awaiting a Karl Rove indictment, the mid-term elections and the end of the war in Iraq.

Open Thread - Feel Free to Say Nice Things About Me

2006-06-02T10:48:00.000-05:00

"Needless to say, not everybody has nice things to say about me," she
said, so "anybody who wants to say something nice, please feel free to do
so. You know, it's one of those things where it's occasionally important to
have a little bit of that positive affirmation. If nothing else, then I'll
have to call my parents, and the reality is they don't give it to me either."

Quote from Tracy Henke, the Executive Director of the Office of State and Local Government Coordination and Preparedness at the Department of Homeland Security and the genius who decided to cut DHS funding for New York City and Washington, D.C. by 40%.

McBride's "Pick up the Towel" Tour

2006-06-02T09:14:00.000-05:00

Now I don't know about you guys, but whether you're in a prison laundry room or are simply cleaning up after a particularly messy episode in the Quicky Mart restroom with that sexy young trucker you met on the highway, "picking up the towel" certainly carries with it some compelling connotations.

Just when you thought the Florida Senate race couldn't get any more pleasing, what with Katherine Harris continually entertaining us with her lively antics, we have Will McBride jumping in there with his "Pick up the Towel" tour.

The tour is scheduled to make stops in Naples and Homestead and then
work it's way up the east coast to Jacksonville and then across the
Panhandle. The McBride campaign promises that a schedule will be
posted on his website, www.mcbrideforsenate.com, but so far it's not
available.

McBride has dubbed his bus tour the "Pick Up The Towel" tour.

"For the past few months all I have heard is that the Republicans have
thrown in the towel because the pundits say Bill Nelson can't be
defeated,"” McBride said in a statement issued by his campaign. "But
I've seen the numbers and I know I can win, so I am here to pick up
the towel and provide Floridians a real choice this November."

Now I'm really torn. Do we continue with our regularly scheduled "Fear and Loathing In Longboat Key - On the Campaign Trail With Katherine Harris" tour, or do we follow the "Pick up the Towel" gang? Can we do both without getting arrested or dying from vaporlocking during snorting laughter? Help me out guys, cuz the cognitive dissonance here is just too much to bare.

via Florida Politics

What Happens at Republican Fundraisers Stays at Republican Fundraisers.

2006-06-01T11:30:00.000-05:00

Maryland Governor, Robert Ehrlich and President George Bush are seen her shamelessly pandering the to the Log Cabin Republicans at a fundraising event.

Give Me Wild Turkey or Give Me Death

2006-06-01T10:15:00.000-05:00

Wonkette has an interesting take on the Department of Homeland Security's seemingly bat shit crazy distribution of federal grants to fight the forces of darkness here at home, and I tend to agree with her.

Let's look on the bright side: We are relieved that DHS is clearly
so devoted to protecting the Midwest. That's where our nation's breweries
are, after all. In fact, with Kentucky and Tennessee - birthplaces of
America's best Whiskeys - also winning a couple million more bucks,
we're beginning to think those DHS guys have their priorities lined up
pretty well with ours. We wouldn't miss a monument or two - but take
away our bourbon and cheap beer, and you're taking away what really
makes America so great.

Who really cares if there's another catastrophic terrorist attack if we're all drunk? In fact, if we drink enough, we won't even remember it the next day.

However, that one non-drinking friend of yours who never hesitates to remind you of just what article of clothing you took off and threw around the room or who licked off the Wild Turkey you spilled on your blouse might still be traumatized.

The moral of the story is just stay drunk, George Bush's presidency will be over in two short years and you won't remember a thing. There will be a new President and a bottle of aspirin awaiting you in 2008.

Gagging Librarians During the Patriot Act Re-Authorization Debates

2006-06-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

Hot off the presses from the "Only in George Bush's America" file and rife with allusions to librarians being gagged, then leading to visuals of hot and kinky, bespectacled librarian sex, resulting in disturbing fantasies, we have this gem.

The NSL is a little known statute in the Patriot Act that permits
law enforcement to obtain records of people not suspected of any
wrongdoing and without a court order. As part of the NSL, those served
with the document are gagged and prohibited from disclosing that they
have even been served.

The foursome of Barbara Bailey, Peter Chase, George Christian,
and Jan Nocek were automatically gagged from disclosing that they had
received the letter, the contents of the letter, and even from
discussions surrounding the Patriot Act.

[...]

On September 9 of last year, a federal judge lifted the gag order
and rejected the government's argument that identifying the plaintiff
would pose a threat to national security.

Yet the government continued to appeal the case throughout the
reauthorization debate, passionately arguing that not a single incident
of civil liberties violations by the Patriot Act had occurred. By
continuing the appeal, the government effectively silenced any evidence
to counter their claims.

"This all happened during the reauthorization debate and the government
was saying no one's rights were being violated," said George Christian,
staff liaison for Library Connection and one of the plaintiffs in the case.

As the debate over the reauthorization of the Patriot Act heated up,
the librarians and others gagged by the NSL had to watch in silence,
intimately aware of dangers they believed were not being exposed.

All the while Barbara, Peter, George and Jan are gagged, unable to utter a peep, and doing lord-only-knows-what during the Patriot Act re-authorization debates, our Congressmen and women are voting on the extent they plan on taking away our civil liberties, without the benefit of knowing the true nature of these National Security Letters, because Barbara, Peter, George and Jan can't speak.

Dirty Lizard Sex

2006-05-27T14:24:00.000-05:00

In an attempt to make up for the lack of Bart Blogging this week, I give you this pic of dirty lizard sex.

Ah!..... springtime in Florida.... Here's to playing hooky on a beautiful Friday, being good and liquored up by noon and being coerced into taking cell phone snapshots of dirty lizard sex.

Who Knew Jesus Was So Hip to Local Politics?

2006-05-23T13:48:00.000-05:00

Jesus has spoken and Jesus sez Charlie Crist is gonna be Florida's next governor.

A reverend who introduced Republican gubernatorial candidate Charlie
Crist during a breakfast with other pastors Monday said the Lord came to
him in a dream two years ago and told him Crist would be the state's next
governor.

The Rev. O'Neal Dozier, pastor of the Worldwide Christian Center
in Pompano Beach, said that before the dream he did not know Crist,
nor had Crist made known his plans to run for governor.

"The Lord Jesus spoke to me and he said 'There's something I want
you to know,"' Dozier said. "'Charlie Crist will be the next Governor
of the state of Florida."'

Since then, Dozier has spent time with Crist and talked with him at
length about policy. He told the group that Crist would be
uncompromising in his Christian faith.

"I introduce to you, as the Lord Jesus has said, the next governor of
the state of Florida, Charlie Crist," Dozier said.

How some of these "religious" organizations retain their tax exempt status is unequivocally mind-boggling and how their leaders stay out of they psych wards is truly a wonder.

Katherine Harris, Charlie Crist and Pegging

2006-05-22T09:23:00.000-05:00

I know how much you guys hate it when I get on one of my Katherine Harris kicks, but I've been out to sea and carousing with drunken sailors for the past five days, and Katy is really just a breath of fresh air compared to all the rum, sodomy and lashes I've been exposed too lately.

So did you guys know that Florida gubernatorial candidate Charlie Crist dated Katherine Harris? Well, it was news to me.

Sure enough, the Republican front-runner for the Senate nomination
and the Republican front-runner for the gubernatorial nomination
acknowledged to the Buzz that they once dated.

"He's the nicest guy. I loooove his mom and dad," Harris said of the
attorney general from St. Petersburg.

"I thought she was charming and lovely. We had a nice couple of
dinners," Crist said by phone, pegging the time frame to more
than 10 years ago. "She has remained a dear friend and she is a great
public servant."

Notice the strategic placement of the word "pegging."

Just sayin'.

Katherine Harris - On Demand or In Demand?

2006-05-22T08:23:00.000-05:00

When she's not committing the fashion no-no of wearing pinstripe pants with a striped shirt, Katherine Harris whiles away the time dining on lobbyists tabs and accepting questionable campaign contributions.

Yessiree, another fancy dinner with lobbyist, Mitchell Wade at Citronelle in Washington, D.C. has surfaced.

Now it turns out that wasn't her first fancy meal with corrupt
contractor Mitchell Wade. Harris had dined with Wade previously at
the same tony Washington restaurant and failed to pay her share as
required by congressional rules, her campaign acknowledged Friday.

My Katherine, nay Our Katherine, in usual form was quick to defend herself.

"Do I look like I ate $2,800 in one sitting?" the petite congresswoman
quipped on Political Connections. "I always get a couple of appetizers
and something to drink."

And for those of you locals that just can't get enough Katherine Harris and missed the original airing, you can see her Political Connections interview for free on Brighthouse Channel 340 - Tampa Bay on Demand.

Bart's Incharge Again

2006-05-17T09:54:00.000-05:00

Everyone play nice now. I'll be back Sunday night.

Friday Bart Blogging - May 12th Edition

2006-05-11T21:29:00.000-05:00

Bart nibbles on a stick without a care in the world, as he doesn't have phone service with Verizon, Bell South or AT&T.

Dubya: Making Babies Cry Since 2001

2006-05-10T16:16:00.000-05:00

But I don't want to join the military and go overseas and kill people on your every whim. Mommmmm! Make him stop!!!!

Oh Katherine! My Katherine!

2006-05-10T12:08:00.000-05:00

...our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting....

Florida House Speaker, Allan Bense has decided that he won't run for Senate.

So keep checking back, as there will be more and more yummy-nummy Katherine Harris news, rumors, embarrassing photos and videos, as well as frequent idle speculation in the months to come.

My apologies to Walt Whitman.

It's Time for Another Round of Awards

2006-05-10T09:56:00.001-05:00

Yes, it's time to wash the kids, tie up the animals, put on your dancing shoes and take an extra dose of Xanax!

In honor of their special parts in the fall the empire, we have Porter Goss and Dick Cheney receiving Congressional Distinguished Service Awards.

"The Congressional Distinguished Service Award was established to
honor former Members of the House who have performed their duties on
behalf of their constituents and the American people with such
extraordinary distinction and selfless dedication as to merit special
recognition," reads an invitation to the ceremony...

Now if by "extraordinary distinction and selfless dedication," they mean leading us into a ridiculously expensive and unnecessary war based on lies or helping cover up various and sundry intelligence failures before being very careful not to let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, all the while getting richy-rich-rich-rich from your Halliburton stock options or chillin' at poker parties with hookers and corrupt lobbyists, then by golly, these guys do deserve medals.

Katherine Harris Photo Caption Contest*

2006-05-09T15:52:00.000-05:00

Ok, I don't really have a caption for this yet, and happy hour is looming... Anyone?

UPDATE: Ooh, ooh, I know!! "Don't you wish your Senator was hot like me?"

*Winner gets first pick of which kitty to take home. See just how cute and precious they are here.

The "Official White House Sponsored Enroll in Medicare Now You Lazy Old Bastards" Tour

2006-05-09T15:27:00.000-05:00

During his whirlwind tour through God's Waiting Room in an attempt to get Medicare recipients to "get after it," George Bush might have just outdone himself in showing compassion for the sick, elderly and poor.

He walked around giving handshakes and hugs to those who rose for his
entrance, and greeted a man who remained sitting in a wheelchair with,
"You look mighty comfortable."

The nerve of that man. Not standing up to greet the Boy King.

The Government Accountability Office said last week that
federal investigators posing as senior citizens found that Medicare's
operators routinely failed to give callers accurate and complete
information about the drug benefit.

According to GAO, the federal handbooks, Web site, and 1-800 Medicare
hotline also failed to provide information that was "consistently
clear, complete, accurate, and usable," CBS News correspondent Andrew
Wyatt reported.

[...]

Two women asked him about extending the deadline, including one who
said there were logjams in the rush for those who have waited until the
end to sign up.

But Bush refuses to move the deadline.

"Deadlines are important," Mr. Bush said. "Deadlines help people
understand there is finality and people have to get after it."

Only some deadlines are good. Not allowing seniors sufficient time to get enrolled in a cryptic program designed to line the pockets of the drug company executives and stockholders - GOOD. Withdrawing troops in a timely fashion from a war based on false pretenses - BAD.

Stay with us now, ok?

That Spunky Katherine Harris

2006-05-09T10:05:00.000-05:00

I gotta hand it to Katherine Harris. After Jeb Bush said all those mean, nasty things about her to the press, not a single word of acrimony passed her lips. In fact, she said he's done an extraordinary job.

"With all due respect to the governor - because I think he's done an
extraordinary job - we know we can win and we have a strategy to do so," she said.

Such a dignified lady.

However, as she states in this video, that people don't want her to be "part of the club" and now she "can absolutely draw that line in the sand for always." Sounds like a veiled threat, if you ask me... Will she start her own club in her own treehouse and hang out the "No Jeb!s Allowed" sign? Will she besiege his ankles like rabid shi tzu if Jeb comes over to her corner of the sandbox?

I think she could give Florida House Speaker, Allan Bense a run for his money. Besides, she's got spunk.

"With all the bad publicity so far, many others would have thrown in
the towel," Jefferson County Commissioner Jerry Sutphin said. "But
Katherine's got spunk, and we need someone in Washington with a little
spunk."

And as we all know, spunk is slang for semen and Washington certainly needs more of that.

More Evidence That Republicans are Trying to Kill Us

2006-05-08T14:23:00.000-05:00

When they aren't having oil companies help write our energy policies or attending poker and prostitute parties (liquor in the front, poker in the rear -- or is that the other around, I always get confused) our Congressional Republicans are letting the vaccine manufacturers and lobbyists write laws that allow them to be shielded from any liability in the event of a national heath emergency.

(Bill) Frist inserted the shield provision into an already-
completed conference report for the defense appropriations bill in the
dead of night, with the aid of House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert
(R-Ill.). Many of the members of the conference committee had never
seen the language, let alone approved it. Committee leaders explicitly
assured Democrats, made wary by rumors circulating in the preceding
days, that no attempt would be made to insert the liability measure
into the spending bill.

[...]

The pharmaceutical industry used legions of influence-peddlers to
push for the measure. The industry deployed at least 158 lobbyists to
influence policies relating to vaccines and pandemic preparedness in
2004 and 2005, including 84 who were previously employed by the federal
government. Of those, seven were former members of Congress, two were
former top health care aides to Frist and another was the son of the
speaker of the House.

[...]

...It extends to all companies, state officials, healthcare workers and
others involved in combating an actual or potential health emergency.

It even encompasses all aspects of drug, vaccine and medical device
production and delivery, including design, development, testing,
manufacture, labeling, distribution, formulation, packaging, marketing,
dispensing and prescribing. What's more, it shields pharmaceutical
companies from liability for long-used drugs, even those causing death
or injury due to a manufacturing error, so long as the drug is used to
treat a condition related to an officially declared health emergency.

Not that I'm at all paranoid.... but HOLY FLYING MONKEY SHIT!

The Bush Administration can scare this Bejeezus out of us and trick us into taking a vaccine for Avian flu in the interest of public health, then when it kills half of our family members, we have no recourse, and the drug companies get to keep all their dirty profits?

If they just start distributing this soon in neighborhoods that tend to vote Democrat, they might have quite a landslide come November.

How to Incorporate the "Success" in Iraq into Your Pickup Lines

2006-05-08T09:14:00.000-05:00

The USDA is being asked to include in their speeches, White House pre-approved talking points about the peace, love, joy and the persistent rosiness we've created in Iraq.

The memo provided for them comes complete with a handy dandy guide to transitioning from the more mundane topics of "corn and soybean meal" to the "revitalization" that is underway in Iraq.

But why stop there? To really get the word out, we need to include these talking points in our pick up lines. Yes, that's right. All the lonely men out there looking to hook up should tow the party line. Now read closely and pay attention, because you'll be needing to send in a weekly staus report.

"Come here often?" could easily be modified to "Come here often? You know I do, but where I'd really like to go is Iraq. I hear it's really beautiful and afterall the insurgency really is in it's last throes."

"I didn't know angels could fly so low" might be a nice transition to how the U.S. has been so angelic in displacing thousands of Iraqis and tearing families apart, not to mention the righteous and divine interrogation methods used in Abu Ghraib and Gitmo.

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. Just like I'd put the Sunni's, Shi'ites and Kurds together as one big prosperous democratic free and happy nation."

Or you could just start out with the talking point, and if you haven't lost her interest, then go in for the kill.... "You know Iraq is part of the "fertile crescent" in Mesopotamia. How do you feel about fertility, planting seeds and casual sex?"

There really are a host of opportunities to throw in a little Iraq happy talk while still securing a late night hookup. Please send in a weekly email summarizing the event, date and location of each pickup line incorporating the attached language. Your responses will be included in a weekly account sent to the White House.

Thanks to mikevotes for the tip!

Friday Bart Blogging - Cinco de Mayo Edition

2006-05-05T09:05:00.000-05:00

Since I've been slacking off on posting anything new lately, Bart offers to do some guest blogging in exchange for a Negro Modelo and a shot of Cuervo.

Friday Bart Blogging - April 28, 2006

2006-04-28T10:14:00.000-05:00

Bart thinks that in addition to three kitties, there might be a Karl Rove indictment back there behind the shed.

There's Something Fishy About This "Bold Package"

2006-04-27T15:43:00.000-05:00

When I heard that Republican Senators were going to unfurl a "bold package," I thought it might have something to do with this. (click the link for better viewing.)

But alas, it's just another hair-brained scheme to buy votes without doing anything about fixing the problem for the long-term.

Guess What I've Got Living in My Backyard

2006-04-25T18:51:00.000-05:00

If anyone local wants one, let me know and I'll cover shots and spaying or neutering.

Drinking Liberally - Be There or Be Square

2006-04-25T16:35:00.000-05:00

Clear your schedule kids, for Drinking Liberally!! It's at 7:30pm Wednesday, April 26th at New Word Brewery, 1313 E 8th Ave in Ybor City.

Rumor has it, they're having a book/DVD exchange going on, so perhaps you can get your hands on that new Paris Hilton video. I'm sure that's exactly what they have in mind.

If you're new to New World Brewery, they've got great pizza, Blue Moon Ale's are only $2.50 on Wednesdays, there's free parking on both sides of the building, and the bartenders are all hotties.

I'm also bringing Bart the Beagle. He's really ticked about about the White House's energy policies and needs to vent.

Putting the "Moron" Back In Oxymoron

2006-04-25T12:19:00.000-05:00

In a shocking display of ingnorance, irrationality and contradiction, after arriving in a 14-vehicle motorcade, George W. Bush gave a speech yesterday to the Renewable Fuels Association stating that he's going to ease environmental regulations on fuel such that refiners need not mix ethanol into their fuel so that they can get gasoline to consumers quickly.

Easing the environment rules will allow refiners greater flexibility
in providing oil supplies since they will not have to use certain additives
such as ethanol to meet clean air standards.

Then further into the speech he says that we need to increase the use of alternative fuels like ethanol.

...he called for increased conservation, an expansion of domestic
production and increased use of alternative fuels like ethanol.

He may allude to the fact that we need to use more renewable fuels, but his policies say the exact opposite. His focus is on insuring the unimpeded flow of cash to the oil companies rather than the long-term sustainable flow of energy resources to the people who really need it.

This is short-term thinking in it's proudest moment. Keep the oil companies fat and happy and contributing generously to their campaigns. Attempt to keep gas prices low enough to get people to not start voting Democrat, so the Republicans won't lose the House or Senate after the mid-term elections. And continue to only pay lip service to a long-term solution.

Stealing Dinner Plates From Marines - A New Low for George Bush

2006-04-24T13:03:00.000-05:00

After hearing that April may be the deadliest month so far this year for U.S. troops in Iraq, George Bush adds insult to injury and tries to steal this marine's dinner plate while vacationing in California.

Fear and Moaning in the West Wing

2006-04-24T11:05:00.000-05:00

The Fear and Loathing that Hunter S. Thompson felt has now found it's way home to the White House and has morphed slightly along the way.

There is fear and moaning in the West Wing these days as Andrew Card
Jr., the genial father figure who promoted a family- friendly White
House, has been replaced as chief of staff by Joshua Bolten, a Goldman
Sachs-trained workaholic who is exposing President George W. Bush's
aides to market forces.

Unfortunately, the world's only superpower will now be expecting twelve hour days and not allowing it's staff members to take off early for their kids' school funtions.

With all this money and power we've nicked from exploiting the earth's resources, all the other countries and a whole buncha poor people, the least we could do would be use some our illicit wealth to treat the staff nicely.

But imperialism is "hard work" and we must be ever vigilant even if it is the children that will suffer.

Katherine Harris Goes "Nuclear" With College Boy

2006-04-22T08:04:00.000-05:00

Ah to be young again...

...and hit on my someone older, creepy and completely loony.

"[Harris] took him by the hand and led him over to the bar and said she
wanted to have a 'nuclear' conversation with him...and wanted to 'talk about
nuclear technology.' Then she led him back to the table and sat him down,
sat next to him, and her foot was brushing against his foot, her knee was
half-an-inch away, she leaned in real close and started calling him 'honey.'"

[...]

"I had my face in my notepad a lot, because everytime I looked up she
was so close to me."

Hat tip to King Spirula for turning me on to this in the comments!

Friday Bart Blogging - April 21, 2006

2006-04-21T11:44:00.000-05:00

Bart wakes up from a nap and wonders if Karl Rove has been indicted yet.

The Importance of Keeping Legislators Well Fed - Damn That Katherine Harris Can Eat Edition

2006-04-21T11:16:00.000-05:00

When Katherine Harris isn't saying stupid embarrassing shit and asking her spokessheep to cover for her, she's dining high on the hog. Dinner for two at Citronelle -- for one Mitchell Wade, convicted of bribery and batshit crazy bribee Katherine Harris costs a hefty $2800.

In her interview Wednesday, Harris acknowledged for the first time
that Wade had paid for the dinner at Citronelle, reversing a statement
from her congressional spokeswoman earlier this year.

But in the interview, Harris also said her campaign had, at some point,
"reimbursed" the restaurant.

When asked how she could have reimbursed a business that was owed no
money -- Wade paid the bill that evening -- she abruptly ended the
interview and walked off.

Her spokesman called back an hour later and asked a reporter not to
publish anything Harris had said Wednesday night about the dinner.

On Thursday, Harris' campaign released a two-paragraph statement that
differed from her explanation a day earlier. It stated that Harris
thought her "campaign would be reimbursing" her share of the meal but
later found out that hadn't happened.

You really have to stay on your toes to keep pace with this mover and shaker. Both her creative use of hyperbole and her insatiable appetite for illegal campaign contributions and fancy dinners do indeed send the mind on a whirlwind journey into an abyss teeming with criminal behavior, incomprehensible misstatements and tasty appetizers.

Laura Bush - Making Babies Cry Since 2001

2006-04-20T13:45:00.000-05:00

This doesn't quite fit in with my "Funny Looks Black Kids Give the Bushes" series as this child is noticably caucasian, but nonetheless, I offer this pic for your perusal. This little girl obviously understands the implications of what the Republican war on reproductive rights and their perpetual war mongering will do to her generation.

Georgie Fears a Hu

2006-04-20T13:00:00.000-05:00

Oblivious to human rights abuses and the widening trade gap between the U.S. and China, George Bush has one thing on his mind. "That little Chinese bastard better not walk ahead of me during the photo session."

Why Would Anyone Want to Be Kansas AG If He Can't Be Privvy to Underage Sex Stories

2006-04-20T11:31:00.000-05:00

It looks like Kansas AG Phill Kline might have to find some other way to get his willies. A federal judge ruled Tuesday that he cannot have unfettered access to records of "underage sex between consenting youths."

So in case Phill decides not to appeal, and has some extra time on his hands, so to speak, here's some suggestions for him.

1. Cozy up under a tree across from one of the many junior high schools in Wichita and read The Big M - A Biblical view of masturbation

The problem of masturbation is as old as human nature. It is something
that has troubled people for centuries and caused much personal
heartache to those ensnared in its habit-forming grip. Here is the
Biblical answer to this age-old dilemma.

2. Check out some local Wichita art exhibits, like this one. Surely there's some nekkidness in some if it to keep him entertained.

3. Start going after the real criminals and spending Kansas tax dollars fighting real crime.

And if he's still bored after all that, there's always the internets.

Katherine Harris's Boobs Aren't Empty, But it Sure Seems Like Her Head Is

2006-04-20T09:30:00.000-05:00

Displaying her unfailing maturity yet still struggling with the same old boring cliches, Katherine Harris called Bill Nelson an "empty suit."

Nelson's spokesman resisted the urge to comeback with "I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you," and instead simply identified her barbs as "empty charges from an empty candidate with absolutely no ethics or credibility."

But I beg to differ. Her head may very well be empty, but those boobies of hers must be filled with something. Helium? Nitrous oxide? Anti-matter?

And further evidence that her head is decidedly empty, she has the audacity to call the offshore drilling bill sponsored by both Nelson and Republican Senator Mel Martinez "inane" and "poorly drafted." I could be way off on this, but shouldn't she be sucking up to the other Republican Senator in hopes of his endorsement, and not insulting his bills?

White House Spokesmonkey Resigns

2006-04-19T09:36:00.000-05:00

Back in the day, there was Ali and Frazier, then Tyson and Holyfield, but for the past few years it's been Helen Thomas and Scott McClellan. Thomas boldly asking the questions that the other reporters are afraid to ask and righteously defending the public's right to know what the heck those guys in the White House are up to, while McClellan makes shit up, changes the subject and humbly apologizes for all of his master's shortcomings and failures.

Yes, Scott McClellan turned in his resignation today, and boy am I gonna miss him.

"I have given it my all sir and I have given you my all sir, and I will continue to do so as we transition to a new press secretary."

By "all," I assume he means hanging out in gay bars in Austin, TX and taking softball questions from male prostitutes.

I was nearly inspired to write him a good bye limerick, but couldn't think of much that rhymes with McClellan, Helen Thomas or wallop, so I'll defer to Mad Kane on that.

But I will leave you with this from last May. Get out your tissues and your teddy bear and reflect for a moment.

Q The other day -- in fact, this week, you said that we, the United
States, is in Afghanistan and Iraq by invitation. Would you like to
correct that incredible distortion of American history --

MR. McCLELLAN: No, we are -- that's where we currently --

Q -- in view of your credibility is already mired? How can you say that?

MR. McCLELLAN: Helen, I think everyone in this room knows that you're
taking that comment out of context. There are two democratically-elected
governments in Iraq and --

Q We're we invited into Iraq?

MR. McCLELLAN: There are two democratically-elected governments now
in Iraq and Afghanistan, and we are there at their invitation. They
are sovereign governments, and we are there today --

Q You mean if they had asked us out, that we would have left?

MR. McCLELLAN: No, Helen, I'm talking about today. We are there at
their invitation. They are sovereign governments --

Q I'm talking about today, too.

MR. McCLELLAN: -- and we are doing all we can to train and equip their
security forces so that they can provide for their own security as they
move forward on a free and democratic future.

Q Did we invade those countries?

MR. McCLELLAN: Go ahead, Steve.

...ah yes, the good 'ol days.

The Decider in Chief

2006-04-18T12:07:00.000-05:00

In his always clever use of the English language, George Bush offers these words of support for his embattled secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld.

"I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the
speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's
best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the secretary of defense."

He listens to the little voices in his head, reads only the front page of the newspaper (which is quite an improvement from when he just read the headlines), finds out that six retired generals come out dissin' on his secretary of defense, and now he's decidin' that Rumsfeld should stay.

Now don't get me wrong, decidin' is hard work. Seeing all the evidence of how Rumsfeld was involved in the non-planning for post-Saddam Iraq and now that he's been directly linked to prisoner abuse in Guantanamo, you'd think in the process of all that gruelling decidin', Bush would have made a different decision.

But they've got another illegal war to plan, and I think Bush realizes that since Rumsfeld did such a heckuva job in Iraq, that he's just the man for the job in Iran.

Golf Friday? Golf Sunday? Golf Monday? But Never Golf Today

2006-04-17T09:57:00.000-05:00

In one of the 278 email messages/love letters between Jack Abramoff and David Safavian former chief of staff at the General Services Administration, who's accused of lying and other mean nasty and ugly things in connection with the ill-fated trip to play golf in Scotland, we find this gem.

golf Friday? golf Sunday? golf Monday? golf, golf, golf!!"

According to the prosecutors in Safavian's case, "the e-mails demonstrate that Mr. Safavian's relationship with Mr. Abramoff was highly inappropriate."

Not sure what's so inappropriate about a little golf between friends, unless of course they're exchanging woods, cleaning each other's balls, or trading political favors for expensive international golf vacations.

How to Identify a Bad Leak

2006-04-17T09:24:00.000-05:00

...burning, itching, pain or blood are all markers of a bad leak, as are evidence of cherry picking information for political gain and to plug an unnecessary war.

But if you go back a week, you'll see that washingtonpost.com has it all wrong. Some poor sod on their editorial staff must be confused. He/She thinks that such an embarrassing urinary predicament is a good leak.

I know, it's difficult to make that appointment, then go talk about it with the pretty nurse, but it really, really must be done. Your particular strain of whatever it might be that your are proliferating need not be spread around indiscriminately. It is paramount that you take the appropriate steps to insure future relationships are not mired in bacteria or the kind of regime change where boatloads of people have their lives ruined.

Mystery of Ann Coulter's Adam's Apple Revealed

2006-04-14T09:46:00.000-05:00

We can all rest easy now. They mystery has been solved. Ann Coulter neglected to put a little 'x' on either the M or the F on her voter registration form, and I think we all know what that means.

"I object," said a transgender activist who spoke with PageOneQ
today, "To the state of Florida expecting its citizens to answer
questions which are not relevant for voter registration." When asked
about Coulter's voter registration form, the activist declined to
speak specifically about Coulter. "Generally speaking, I hope there
is a day when transgendered people can be open about who they are
without fear of retribution from employers, colleagues and neighbors.
With that in mind, I hope anyone with a high media profile would use
that opportunity to be honest with the American people."

via Can of Worms

Friday Bart Blogging - April 14th Edition

2006-04-14T09:33:00.000-05:00

Bart displays that Ali the Boxer has as much credibility on holding him in his death rip as George Bush does on Iraq and national security.

Freedom's Just Another Word For Nothin' Left to Lose

2006-04-13T14:30:00.000-05:00

Ah yes, the Iraqis greeted us as liberators.

They are now liberated from their homes, their possessions and in many cases, some family members. Families averaging six members living in tents in refugee camps, dependent on the Red Crescent for food, water and blankets, scared to go back to their homes due to the threat of violence or intimidation.

The Donald Rumsfeld Anti-Massacre Movement

2006-04-13T13:12:00.000-05:00

... and all you got to do to join is sing it the next time it come's around on the gee-tar... With feeling.

So maybe they thought the first retired General to suggest Rumsfeld step down was really sick, and the second two, maybe they thought were faggots, but now that the fourth retired General has come forward, friends, I think it's a movement.

And as the Carpetbagger suggests, perhaps it's time that Bush demonstrate that he does in fact heed the advice of his Generals and give Rumsfeld his walking papers.

Right in the Kisser

2006-04-13T12:37:00.000-05:00

Rep. Kennedy Hit in the Mouth by Hammer

By the looks of this headline, you'd-uh-thunk that Tom "The Hammer" DeLay slugged Rep. Patrick Kennedy in the kisser, or perchance orally raped him.

So sorry to disappoint, but upon further investigation, you'll see that Kennedy simply got hit in the mouth by an airborne hammer's head. The hammer-wielding fellow Matt Kriesel, was trying to display the shock absorption properties of his "gel," but ended up demonstrating the shock absorption properties of a Congressman's bottom lip.

Six stitches later, it was determined that the Congressman's bottom lip is a woefully inferior shock absorption material than the "gel" the Kriesel was demonstrating.

Charlie Crist and His Super Fun Staffers

2006-04-12T19:21:00.000-05:00

I'm just not quite sure what to make of this oddity that one of my operatives sent me.

At the least, Florida Republican gubernatorial candidate Charlie Crist hired a potty mouth small-cock-fetishist to be his regional data coordinator. Not that there's anything wrong with being a potty mouth... I mean I cuss like a sailor and I bet I'd make a mean regional data coordinator. But the small cock thing, I find perplexing.

I even dug around into her previous posts to try to make hide or hare of it, and I left her site feeling, well... unsatisfied.

Anyhoo, my best guess is that this woman is gettin' it up the behind from Charlie "perma-tan" Crist, which would explain the "small cock" preference, particularly if she's new at it. And if you look at her 2nd paragraph, it could be that Charlie is not ready to go public with this information yet and she also needs to find a good lubricant.

Of course this is just idle speculation, so if anyone else has any ideas, by all means, let us know.

Forensic Vaginal Inspectors

2006-04-12T08:53:00.000-05:00

If you have a free half hour or so, go read this nine page article from the NY Times about the draconian abortion laws in El Salvador and one woman's experiences.

El Salvador, however, has not only a total ban on abortion but also
an active law-enforcement apparatus - the police, investigators,
medical spies, forensic vagina inspectors and a special division of
the prosecutor's office responsible for Crimes Against Minors and
Women, a unit charged with capturing, trying and incarcerating an
unusual kind of criminal. Like the woman I was waiting to meet.

But if you don't have a free half hour, just ponder for a few moments what a "forensic vaginal inspector" is and what they might do in the course of a day's work. And then think about what you can do to help keep abortion in the U.S. safe, legal and available.

Wild Speculation

2006-04-11T09:18:00.001-05:00

Seeing as how the White House has been engaging in some "wild speculation," I don't see why we, the people of the United States shouldn't follow suit.

The reason George Bush won't let Rumsfeld resign?

Nope, it's not because of that "changing horsemen during the apocalypse" thing, or not wanting to dump the Iraq debacle in some other poor sod's lap. It's because he's the only one that can satisfy Laura. Yup, George Bush is always too drunk, or too busy struggling over the big words in his My First Little Readers book. When Laura gets the itch, she goes straight for Rumsfeld. Or "Schnookie Don" as she likes to call him.

The reason Cheney isn't running for President in 2008?

Nope, not because of his heart problems and not because 84% of American's think he's the anti-christ. It's because he's afraid the press will find out that he was the one behind the whole Jeff Gannon thing. He was letting a male prostitute into the White House, and gratuitously using his services as well as passing him around to other senior officials. His marriage of convenience with Lynne would come to the surface and we'd all find out that the whole lot of them are queer as three headed pennies.

Ever wonder why George Bush takes so much vacation time and why it always seems to be around a full moon?

Yep, he's a werewolf. And the decision to invade Iraq was done during a full moon. We already know it had nothing to do with WMDs or al Qaeda or 9/11. But what we didn't know was that it also had nothing to do with avenging his daddy, or oil, or finding a strategic spot in the Mid East to build some permanent military bases. It was all about gaining unfettered access to fresh meat.

Remember that old story about James Dobson and how he valiantly subdued his 12 pound doggie Siggie?

Well let's just say that "the most vicious fight ever staged between man and beast," involved no doggie anal lube, and after the DNA test came back, the county took little Siggie away from the Dobsons and adopted him out to a kinder gentler family.

White House Admits to Treason

2006-04-07T12:23:00.000-05:00

A senior administration official, speaking on background because
White House policy prohibits comment on an active investigation, said
Bush sees a distinction between leaks and what he is alleged to have
done. The official said Bush authorized the release of the classified
information to assure the public of his rationale for war as it was
coming under increasing scrutiny.

So lemme get this straight. The President of the United States admits to putting our national security at risk for purely political reasons by outting an undercover CIA agent?

Her husband found out the truth that Iraq was not trying to obtain uranium from Niger and wrote an editorial about it, then Bush decides he wants to punish him for raining on his march-to-war parade o' lies, so he ruins his wife's career, all the while making the U.S. less safe from the bad guys and swearing that he'll find and punish the persons responsible for the leak.

As refreshing as it is to see them admit something like this rather than duck responsibility, this is truly mind-boggling.

Bob Novak's Parting Blowjob for Tom DeLay

2006-04-07T10:31:00.000-05:00

Next time Bob, just send a card, ok?

Looks like there is quite a free exchange of oral services between Tom Delay and others in the media, not just Chris Matthews.

This time, we have Bob Novak humming the praises of the disgraced former House Majority Leader.

He must be ranked with the great legislative leaders of all time,
such as Thomas Brackett Reed, Robert A. Taft and Lyndon B. Johnson.
Nobody has been as effective in enacting the conservative agenda into
law, which explains the intense opposition to him.

Come no Bob. Unless you have his dick firmly planted between your tongue and upper palette, you can plainly see that the intense opposition is related to his unethical and criminal behavior

DeLay told me last year that he accepted lobbyist-arranged golf
abroad because that was his only chance ever to play a game he dearly
loved.

Unless your vision is hampered by an erect phallus and a wrinkly hairy scrotum in your face, I can see why you might not see any golf courses closer to Sugar Land, Texas or Washington D.C. than St. Andrews on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean in Scotland.

I just can't stop thinking that if Clinton hadn't popularized the blow job, that all these media whores wouldn't suck nearly as much cock.

Friday Bart Blogging - April 7th, 2006

2006-04-07T09:57:00.000-05:00

Bart asserts his constitutional right to leak anything he wants, anywhere he wants at any time he wants.

Tom DeLay - Cocksucker

2006-04-05T21:35:00.000-05:00

For those of you that thought Tom DeLay was a worthless piece of criminal swine, there is evidence that he is good for something.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: Thanks. I owe you one. I owe you two -- today and last night.

TOM DELAY: No you don't.

CHRIS MATTHEWS: No, I do.

TOM DELAY: I appreciate it.

He can give one hell of a hummer. Two days in a row.

Rock, Paper Scissors on Captiol Hill

2006-04-05T14:33:00.000-05:00

Condi chooses 'Rock' in the spirited contest with the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to decide whether the U.S. should share their nuclear secrets with India.

Rush Limbagh and Self Flagellation

2006-04-04T14:27:00.000-05:00

I'm just not sure what to make of this quaint little exchange on Rush Limbaugh's exquisitely poignant radio show, but I shouldn't have to be the only nauseous one, so I figured I share.

CALLER 2: Oh, OK. Well, but, I -- it definitely offended me to hear
you say that on the national program. The world's largest -- as you say.

LIMBAUGH: Yeah, well --

CALLER 2: But maybe you should take half your brain from behind your
back next time.

LIMBAUGH: You know, I'm thinking what I ought to do, [caller], is
something that I used to do in the early days of this program and
that is spank myself.

Whiling away a lazy afternoon with B&D is not nearly as appealing when you don't have a partner and are all hopped up on painkillers.

The Perversion of the Pious

2006-04-04T13:35:00.000-05:00

The Parents Television Council, whose mission is "to promote and restore responsibility and decency to the entertainment industry..." thinks the naughty, naughty video clip from Without a Trace that commanded a hefty three million dollar fine from the FCC should be made available on their website in an attempt to "urge people to prevent others from watching it."

So only go watch it if your reason for watching it is to find it sickening, and to email all your friends with the link so they too can watch it and find it equally sickening and in turn email the link to all of their friends, who will no doubt also find it horribly sickening.

via WFMU's Beware of the Blog and The Poor Man

How Will Tom DeLay Pay His Legal Fees?

2006-04-04T12:30:00.000-05:00

Chick-a-chick-a-mou-mou....

"Good afternoon ladies, I hear you have a pest problem." Sez Tom DeLay wielding his bulging bug spray canister and stiff spray wand.

*Giggle*
"Yes, Mr. Bugman. I saw a really icky creepy bug between the waterbed in the guest room and the hot tub. I think Mitsy saw it last."

Of course if you just can't stomach The Bugman Cumeth and his campaign war chest gets used up, perhaps after his prison term is over and all of his orfices have properly healed, he'll end up on the Surreal Life.

SpinDentist has a super-fun online poll with some other suggestions too!

The Nastiness of Tom DeLay

2006-04-04T10:47:00.000-05:00

Tom DeLay is stepping down, citing the potential nastiness of a continued run to defend his seat in the House.

"I think I could have won this seat but it would have been nasty."

Nasty is when a skanky "big boned" girl in a mini skirt stands up and you discover that she left a pinkish slug trail on her chair.

No, I think a continued DeLay campaign would have just been more of the same humdrum hypocritical and criminal behavior that we've all come to know, love and expect from the Bugman. Hardly in the same category of skanky girls and slug trails, if you ask me.

Wonkette really says it best.

Yeah, we'll miss the old bastard...— he knew how to be a majority
leader, dammit....It's about multiple admonishments from the House
ethics committee, comparing yourself to Jesus, flashing a shit-eating
grin in your mugshot, money-laundering, calling for violent retribution
against activist judges, and contacting six federal agencies to trail
Texas Democrats!

Yes, I'm going to miss The Hammer. I just hope he sticks around in politics in some form and continues to entertain us with his delightful antics -- after his prison sentence is over, of course. Otherwise, I just don't know what would become of I Love Tom DeLay.

Since We're on the Topic of Death Sentence Eligibility

2006-04-04T08:37:00.000-05:00

Zacarias Moussaoui is now eligible for the death penalty for withholding information and lying to FBI agents about the 9/11 plot, and they think the attacks might have been thwarted had he been more forthcoming.

My question is, why come the FBI agents that neglected to delve into Harry Samit's evidence and denied a request to search Moussaoui's computer and belongings aren't similarly eligible for the death penalty.

"You tried to move heaven and earth to get a search warrant to search
this man's belongings and you were obstructed," MacMahon said to Samit.

"Yes sir, I was obstructed." Samit replied.

[...]

...Samit cited "obstructionism, criminal negligence and careerism"
by top FBI officials as what stopped his investigation.

The FBI had much more information about the plot than Moussaoui did, and they refused to act on it.

Since our justice system hands down death sentences like candy, why not pass them out to the folks who are responsible for the 9/11 intelligence failures and all the way up to the top rung of the ladder.

The Katherine Harris New Campaign Staff or Looney Toons Hits the Campaign Trail

2006-04-03T13:16:00.000-05:00

So it seems that the bulk of Katherine Harris's campaign staff as moseyed on to other more lucrative projects, where they don't have to deal with an ape shit Katherine Harris calling the shots.

Sometime this week, she's going to entertain us with announcing her brand spanky new "team of seasoned campaigners who believe in my candidacy, are committed to this campaign, and support the values of mainstream Florida citizens."

I don't know about you guys, but I'm all atwitter to find out who they are. In fact, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep until I find out.

Seeing as how she's a wee bit radioactive these days to most serious campaign workers, she might have to start looking in non-traditional places to staff the open positions. Now this may just be idle speculation, but word on the street, is she's in negotiations with Looney Toons to fill some of these positions with their seasoned campaign veterans and adorably drawn characters.

Yosemite Sam: He'll blow you to smithereens if you don't support her.
Tweety Bird: I tawt I heard Jesus say he wants her to stay in the race
Sylvester: Thuffering thuccotash, that Bill Nethson ith jutht tho very librul
Elmer Fudd: He'll complain ad naseum about that wascally weft-wing media
Also, Bugs Bunny has agreed to appear and speak dressed as a girl bunny at some fundraisers, to appeal to the Log Cabin Republicans and those that aren't allowed in the evangelical churches, where she'll be doing most of her fundraising. He's also going to double as a make-up consultant.

Friday Bart Blogging - March 31st, 2006

2006-03-31T15:30:00.000-05:00

Bart admits to making thousands of tactical errors in the back yard, but feels history will judge him on whether he has made the right strategic decisions.

Green Eggs and Rumsfeld Redux

2006-03-31T14:18:00.000-05:00

Mikevotes over at Born at the Crest of the Empire ponders the rumor that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld might be on his way out.

Sources also confirm that the President has absorbed the fact that
the professional military has completely given up on Rumsfeld...
admittedly a process which began for some "uniforms" even before 9/11,
but which has continued to affect...or infect...virtually the whole
military establishment today.

So, it only seems appropriate to recycle "Green Eggs and Rumsfeld.".

You cannot quit
Not once not twice
You cannot quit
that is not nice

You must stay in
my cabinet
You cannot quit
No, no, not yet...

read the whole thing here.

Ann Coulter Has Some Splainin' To Do

2006-03-31T13:13:00.000-05:00

Over five years after gleefully poking fun at the intelligence of Palm Beach County voters, Ann Coulter herself is having some problems with proper voting procedures in Palm Beach County.

Palm Beach County's elections supervisor has given the right wing's
unofficial mouthpiece 30 days to explain why she voted in the wrong
precinct.

In a registered letter scheduled to be sent to her this week, Coulter
is asked to "clarify certain information as to her legal residence,"
elections boss Arthur Anderson said.

"We want to give her a chance," Anderson said. "She needs to tell us
where she really lives."

Or else? He could refer the case to State Attorney Barry Krischer for
criminal charges, Anderson said

Here in Florida it's a third-degree felony to knowingly vote in the wrong precinct, and lying on her voter's registration could land her in the pokey for up to five years (That's 35 in dog years) and set her back up to $5000.

In his official incident report released last week, poll worker
Jim Whited wrote that Coulter tried to vote in the Feb. 7 town council
election at Bethesda-by-the-Sea, the right place for a Seabreeze
resident. Coulter left in a hurry when, Whited said, he asked her to
correct the record. Later she cast her ballot at the St. Edward's
precinct, where real Indian Road residents go.

I couldn't have happened to a nicer person.

Elderly Porky Representatives Gone Wild

2006-03-31T11:28:00.000-05:00

Forget the War on Christians. What about the war on non-believers? There's nothing that can put the fear of God into a person more than non-chalantly clicking over to read Talk Left and finding yourself face to face with this headline Sensenbrenner To Go Topless.

Good God Almighty.

Here, you can watch Rep. Sensenbrenner back in June 2005, shown with a top on, throwing a hissy fit then storming out of a committee meeting on the Patriot Act.

Chirac Butters up Condi

2006-03-30T15:50:00.000-05:00

Yes, my leetle cumquat... please to not invade any more Meedle Eastern countrees on false pretenses.

Bush Frolics in Cancun in a Speedo While Iraqi Children Get Blown Up

2006-03-30T12:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday in his bloviations to the Freedom House in Washington, our Preznit, displaying his infinte capacity for compassion, said this.

One of the great things about America, one of the beauties of our
country, is that when we see a young, innocent child blown up by an
IED, we cry.

And when we see a president suppporting policies that get innocent children blown up by IEDs, we drink.

And when we hear him make a Speedo reference, we cringe and liberally apply brain sanitizer.

OK, Which One of You Guys Inadvertently Misplaced Habeas Corpus?

2006-03-29T15:32:00.000-05:00

So we all do things inadvertently sometimes. We wear tops that inadvertently expose too much cleavage. We drink one too many jager bombs. We tell the quiet guy at the end of the bar that he's cute and inadvertently ask what his shoe size is. We inadvertently give out our phone number even after he tells us he just finished a lengthy stay in the pokey after inadvertently committing grand theft auto.

But one thing that we, nor any Congresscritter, would ever do inadvertently, and that would be, as The Heretik points out, is to suspend habeas corpus, whereby a prisoner in custody can challenge his or her imprisonment.

Justice Souter interrupted. "Isn't there a pretty good argument
that suspension of the writ of habeas corpus is just about the most
stupendously significant act that the Congress of the United States
can take," he asked, "and therefore we ought to be at least a little
slow to accept your argument that it can be done from pure inadvertence?"

When Mr. Clement began to answer, Justice Souter persisted: "You are
leaving us with the position of the United States that the Congress may
validly suspend it inadvertently. Is that really your position?"

Justice Scalia and one whacked out Solicitor General Paul D. Clement, on the other hand, think that would be a fine idea. They are pushing as hard as they can to get rid of that silly, silly legal precedent that goes back to the middle ages.

Explosively Formed Penetrators

2006-03-29T13:21:00.000-05:00

Who says there's no good news coming out of Iraq?

". . . strongly warn U.S. citizens against travel to Iraq, which
remains very dangerous . . . planned and random killings, as well as
extortions and kidnappings . . . continue to be targeted by insurgent
groups and opportunistic criminals for kidnapping and murder . . .
credible information that terrorists are targeting civil aviation. ...
Extremely high risk to road transportation . . . attacks occur
throughout the day . . . heavy use of Improvised Explosive Devices
(IEDs), especially new-type Explosively Formed Penetrators
(EFPs). ... "

IEDs are so last year. Those bitches over in Iraq get Explosively Formed Penetrators, which is one heck of a lot more than they allow in Alabama.

Did Jesus Teach Money Laundering?

2006-03-29T10:35:00.000-05:00

I found this little gem via All Spin Zone. SpinDentist can't seem to get the image of Tom DeLay "loving Jesus too much" out of his head (In a purely heterosexual way, I'm sure).

Here's Rick Scarborough touting the piety of our indicted former House Leader at the "War on Christians" conference.

"I believe the most damaging thing that Tom DeLay has done in his life
is take his faith seriously into public office, which made him a target for
all those who despise the cause of Christ," Scarborough said, introducing
DeLay on Tuesday. When DeLay finished, the host reminded the politician:
"God always does his best work right after a crucifixion."

Now maybe I was absent that day in Sunday School, but I'm pretty sure that Jesus taught love, forgiveness, and compassion, rather than money laundering, conspiracy, gerrymandering and voter disenfranchisement.

Drinking Liberally - Abramoff Sentencing Party/Wake

2006-03-28T15:09:00.000-05:00

All ya'll that wanna come out and Drink Liberally, tomorrow is the big night!

We'll be meeting Wednesday, March 29th, 7:30pm at New World Brewery, 1313 E 8th Ave in Ybor City. There's free parking on both sides of the building and you can get a Blue Moon for the low, low price of $2.50/pint. Yummy and affordable.

But make sure you bring cash or your ATM card, as they don't accept credit cards. If you've never been before, you can find us with the Drinking Liberally logos on the tables.

As you probably know, Jack Abramoff, the "selfless patriot" who "bilked millions from Indian tribes and funneled millions of dollars through a labyrinth of fraudulent charities for personal gain and political leverage" will be sentenced tomorrow here in Florida for his role in the Sun Cruz Casino debacle.

I can't think of a much better reason to come out and get all liquored up in the name of freedom and democracy.

Who Says Abramoff Doesn't Have Any Friends Left?

2006-03-28T13:34:00.000-05:00

He's got at least 260 of them. And those are the ones that went out of their way to write nice happy sunshiney letters about what a swell guy he is and why he deserves a light sentence.

"Jack as a caring, pious and generous man who dotes on his friends
and family."

... with money he stole from Indian tribes

Mr. Abramoff was a "selfless patriot" whose work in a conservative lobbying group, Citizens for America, in the 1980's was evidence of his desire "to make a positive contribution to the nation he loves so much."

... just before he became and Uber-Patriot and committed wire fraud.

Poor Jack could spend as many as seven years in prison for this, but my money is on a presidential pardon from Bush before he leaves office.

For grins, go listen to The House that Jack Bribed from Capitol Steps.

More Proof That Katherine Harris is Delusional

2006-03-28T13:07:00.000-05:00

So, I figured I'd give you guys a break and wait until after lunch to link to this from the St. Pete Times.

According to Rep. Katherine Harris, her opponent is "in bed with Ted
Kennedy on gay marriage"

Now I'm all for equal rights for gays and lesbians, but the thought of the two of them "in bed together" in any sense of the word kind of turns my stomach.

But fortunately for us and our digestion, nothing of the sort ever took place, and Harris was just participating in an exercise in imaginative word play with republican talking points.

But the delusions don't stop there. She continues to yip yap about how "liberal" Nelson is, when most of us know darned good and well that Nelson is quite middle of the road. The St. Pete Times does a fabulous job debunking all of Harris's fantasies that project him as a radical left-wing baby killer who wears skirts and high heels to work and sleeps with Ted Kennedy.

And since it was a long weekend without much going on, Harris must have done an extra hit or two of LSD to suggest that her advertising consultant Adam Goodman, really didn't quit and that he "leaked" the information to the press, when in actuality, he did resign.

She said Goodman was still with the campaign and said "it was wrong" of
her to say he leaked information.

"I shouldn't have said that," she said.

Harris could not explain the change or make clear why she had first
refused to say whether Goodman was still working with her.

"I don't even know," she said. "That is so not like me."

Evidently the official K-Harris recommended drug regimen of wake and bake/LSD/cocaine/more LSD/Xanax didn't work for Goodman and he's moving on. To rehab probably. Or at the very least, perhaps a position with fewer mandatory hallucinogens

Friday Bart Blogging - March 24th Edition

2006-03-24T11:58:00.000-05:00

Bart demonstrates the proper way to chew up a nylon bone, while Hunter from Daily Kos demonstrates the proper way to bring down a rabid rightwing ~~journalist~~ plagarist.

They Can Have My Vibrator When They Pry it From My Cold, Dead Hands

2006-03-23T15:59:00.000-05:00

This post that I found on Blondesense about the silliness of outlawing the
sale of sex toys got me to thinkin'.

Say it with me, ladies: "They can have my vibrator when they pry it from my cold, dead hands."

Now I'm not a huge fan of guns on a personal level, but I am a big fan of the second amendment. I don't want to own a gun, but far be it from me or my government to prohibit you from owning a gun. Just please don't shoot me Mr. Heston.

But guns do kill people. Vibrators however, don't. They make women smile. And sometimes they make men smile too. Bazillions of people die every year because of guns, tobbacco and crappy driving. But I don't think anyone has every died from using a vibrator (but please, please correct me if I'm wrong).

To quote a friend of mine:

Don't get me wrong. I have an extremely dirty mind. And I revel in
fetish and perversion. I don't like it all. Some of it, I don't even get.

Foot fetish? Feet? Some guys don't even need the feet, they get off on
the shoes. The furverts. That's weird.

But I enjoy the fact that so much of it is funny and weird and about as
diverse as life in general. It makes me laugh and makes me happy
that people, grown up people, find so many fun and silly ways to make
themselves happy.

Yes, sex toys make people happy. They don't hurt people. So, how any government can outlaw the sale of sex toys, and then go and repeal gun control laws is truly, truly mind boggling.

Funny Looks Black Kids Give the Bushes - Part 6

2006-03-22T16:13:00.000-05:00

A sixth grader in New Jersey dares her friend to tell Laura Bush how she really feels.

See the previous segments of the series here, here, here, here and here.

Fear and Loathing in Longboat Key - Widow's Mite Edition

2006-03-22T13:57:00.000-05:00

Poor little Katherine Harris. Due to lagging fundraising, lack of GOP support, and her ever-delightful stage presence, she has been forced to donate $10 million of her own stash to finance her pathetic campaign. She went on Nightline last night to remind us all that $10 million is simply a widow's mite.

"I am willing to take this widow's mite, this pearl of great price, and put everything on the line," she told Donvan.

As an astute Wonkette operative points out, a widow's mite is "the small amount of money that a widow put in the alms tray, which Jesus said was worth more than a great amount given by a rich man."

She's the queen of diamonds playing the pity card. It would take the average Florida voter about 250 years to earn a widow's mite that hefty, so you can certainly see why she deserves our sympathy and support. Also she and her husband own all kinds of real estate and other fancy do-dads, putting her remaining wealth at up to $39 million.

So please pray for Katherine, and ask your friends and family to pray as well, so she can continue to put extravagant seven course dinners and expensive french wine on her table and blue eye shadow on her eyelids.

We've Got Spirit, Yes We Do. The FCAT is a Bunch of Poo-Poo

2006-03-22T11:46:00.000-05:00

Q. What's stupider than tying teacher pay to FCAT scores?

A. Making up your own lyrics to Mambo #5 to support the policy.

Put a little FCAT in my life/A little bit of reading by my side/A
little bit of writing is all I need . . .

I'm doing good on FCAT/Yes I am .

I just hope it doesn't take Jim Davis too long to dismantle all the gawd awful things Jeb Bush has done to Florida schools.

Role Reversal on Pennsylvania Avenue

2006-03-22T09:17:00.000-05:00

Reading what a comedian George Bush has been lately in his press conference and Q&A sessions doesn't really have me as worried as it does some others. He can't come up with serious answers that can hold water, so he just makes jokes instead, hoping the press will focus on his exquisite sense of humor rather than his failed foreign and domestic policies.

We are not surprised.

But, what really has me ill-at-ease is this line.

"I like to, like, reverse roles sometimes," the president explained.

Um.....

fade out and cut to...Laura Bush wielding a 12 inch strap on and liberating the presidential anus, while satin panties fall around the presidential ankles. Bringing freedom where only festering tyranny use to pass through. Spreading Santorum liberally throughout the presidential boudoir. Fighting the insurgency of a sphincter intelligently designed by our Creator for retreat.

Yes, it's role reversal time on Pennsylvania Avenue and George Bush is advancing democracy by empowering women, and he's starting at home.

May God Bless America.

Fear and Loathing in Longboat Key - On the Campaign Trail with Katherine Harris

2006-03-20T11:09:00.000-05:00

If I didn't have a mortgage and a dog, I think I'd follow Katherine Harris around the campaign trail. Just like the Deadheads or the Phishheads, I'd go to all her speeches and fundraisers and see her work her adoring fans into a frenzy. I'd sell LSD to support my new hobby and sample it myself to make her tired old speeches more interesting. How often can you listen to things like "I'm staying. I'm in this race. I'm going to win," without getting bored. Now if you hear "I'm staying. I'm in this race. I'm going to win," while an angry-looking Ivana Trump with horns bursts forth from her forehead, you might keep coming back for more.

On Sunday she told a bunch of evangelicals that God wants her in public service, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to see it. But don't you think she might be misreading God's signals? I'm just sure that He doesn't want her to run for Senate, He wants her to pick up garbage and recycling or maybe cut the grass in public parks. Really, what kind of God would want Katherine Harris in the U.S. Senate? Maybe the vengeful one of the Old Testament. Were we naughty? Might this be punishment for our evil ways?

And then she went on to tell the crowd that she draws inspiration from the book A Christian Manifesto, that calls for "Christian activists to demand "biblical morality" in government affairs." As you can plainly see, she is hallucinating. She must be getting some of the best LSD this side of San Francisco to wholly disregard the First Amendment like that. And the folks in the audience must be pretty well dosed up too, cuz they gave her a standing ovation.

So let's go get us a VW Microbus, equip it with shovels and rakes and implements of destruction and head towards her next stop! Who's in?

You Are a Donkey, Mr. Bush

2006-03-20T09:49:00.000-05:00

Ya gotta hand it to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez for speaking so eloquently and forthright.

"You are a donkey, Mr. Bush," said Chavez, speaking in English on his
weekly Sunday broadcast.

"You're an alcoholic Mr. Danger, or rather, you're a drunkard," Chavez
said, referring to Bush by a nickname he frequently uses to describe
the U.S. president.

In other news, Bush spent the better part of Sunday braying about what a "success" the war in Iraq is, but was too chicken to use the word "war."

What an ass.

Friday Bart Blogging - St. Patty's Day Edition

2006-03-17T10:19:00.000-05:00

Bart searches he kitchen cabinets for $781 billion to fund the increase in the federal government's debt ceiling.

Katherine "Sorority Girl With Boyfriend Drama" Harris

2006-03-16T09:27:00.000-05:00

If you didn't watch her on Fox "News" last night, Katherine Harris is staying in the Florida Senate race. Good thing, as I don't know what I'd write about if it weren't for her.

And not only that, a Republican consultant compared her to a sorority girl with boyfriend drama.

"We've wasted a month," lamented Republican consultant Rick Wilson,
who has worked previously for Harris. "She's like the sorority girl in
college who's always got the boyfriend drama."

Yes, she truly is the gift that keeps on giving. I was going to make a donation to her campaign/make up fund, but now that she's giving $10 million of her own money, I think I'll send it to Bill Nelson instead.

BREAKING - Katherine Harris Makes Big Super Special Important Weighty Announcement

2006-03-15T14:51:00.000-05:00

Tonight on Fox News'(go figure) Hannity and Colmes, Katherine Harris will make her highly anticipated announcement.

My only hope is that she touches on why she's wearing her pants so high and why her stirrups are so dangerously low. I've heard that if you fall off that horse, you should get right back on, but if she'd fix those stirrups and stop taking illegal campaign contributions, maybe she wouldn't fall off in the first place.

Odds are 3 to 1 that she'll do the interview in profile to accent her "pneumatic breasts."

Forward This to Five People Or You'll Loose Your Democracy

2006-03-15T13:59:00.000-05:00

OMG, The President so broke the law. He was like totally spying on American citizens without a court order in direct violation of FISA and the fourth amendment to the Constitution.

This really groovy senator in Wisconsin wants to censure him, and only a few of the other senators have backed him up so far so.

So, whatcha gotta do, is write a quick letter to your two senators and ask them to support Feingold's measure.

It's really easy. If you don't know who your senators are, click here and search for your state. Then click on the link that says "Web Form" and write a short note to your senators something like this.

"I'm writing to urge you to support Senator Feingold's censure measure. Our country cannot afford to have a president willfully and arrogantly defying our laws. Homeland Security and gathering intelligence from terrorists is important, but so are our civil rights."

Then, email five of your friends and ask them to do the same thing. If you don't, you'll have bad luck. Trust me. I know some people that didn't forward this on, and they are now in a prison in Eastern Europe being tortured.

Katherine Harris's - Florida's Woman of Mystery

2006-03-14T13:22:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you guys, but I'm on the edge of my seat for this one. I'm all atwitter wondering what Katherine Harris's "Major Announcement" this week is going to be.

The Tampa Tribune says she might be leaving her congressional seat, or maybe donating a whole buncha money to her campaign. As those two things don't sound that "major" and even a little boring, and given that methinks the Tampa Tribune always falls painfully short on idle speculation, I have some other theories.

1. She's swearing off suntan panty hose forever in favor if fishnets.
2. She's going to admit to the public that her boobs really are fake.
3. She's changing her shade of eye shadow.
4. She's pregnant with Mitchell Wade's love child, and she's using the $32,000 in illegal campaign contributions to help raise the little nipper.
5. She's going to start wearing those new-fangled pointy shoes.
6. She made cake in celebration of clearing up her nasty case of chlamydia.
7. She's going to apologize for her role in helping Bush steal the election and throw herself on the mercy of the reality-based community for public flogging and humiliation.

Please let me know if you guys have any other theories.

When Regret Follows Seduction

2006-03-14T10:33:00.000-05:00

Let's say you're in Mexico, just over the border and some dude seduces you into coming inside to see the donkey show. You think that might be interesting. You always wondered how they did it. You've always been curious about who's on top, who's doing all the work, and the logistics of the whole act. So ya go in there and take a look. That's when regret starts to kick in. It's the most nauseating, gruesome thing you've ever seen in your life. You want to leave, but your buddy insists that you stay.

Similarly British General Whitley started to feel a little regret back in mid 2003 about marching into Iraq.

That assessment is reinforced by Major General Albert Whitley, the
most senior British officer with the US land forces. Gen Whitley, in
another memo later that summer, expressed alarm that the US-British
coalition was in danger of losing the peace. "We may have been
seduced into something we might be inclined to regret. Is
strategic failure a possibility? The answer has to be 'yes'," he
concluded.

Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld and the crew lured Great Britain into the donkey show with promises of victory and a speedy exit. But once they got in there, they were disgusted and dumbfounded. It was an "unbelievable mess" with no plan for the post-invasion phase. Now years later, Britain is still there. A party to the horrible disgustingness of what is left of Iraq and the gawd awful abuses and deaths that happen every day. Regret sunk in a long time ago, but still today, they're stuck there watching that nasty donkey show because no one bothered to come up with an exit strategy.

Channeling Hunter S. Thompson to Help With My Basketball Picks

2006-03-14T09:04:00.000-05:00

I'm growing weary of the "UConn's gonna take the title" chorus. Did they not see their sad performance against Syracuse in the Big East tournament? Did they write those articles before that game and then get so drunk and stoned that they couldn't change them?

I used to know a guy from Connecticut. But I'm not one of those vindictive ex-girlfriends that hates you forever, slashes your tires or tells everyone about that funny rash you get on your pecker when you get stressed out, I simply root against your basketball team until the end of time.

The acrimony I feel for UConn spreads into the whole of the Big East. They get eight teams in the tournament while the ACC and the Big 12 get a paltry four apiece? ESPN is located in Connecticut, and I think we all can see that cronyism isn't just for Republicans anymore. Those bastards take over the airwaves. Public opinion as well as coaches and sports writers opinions are influenced, and before you have time to call your Senator and ask him to support Feingold's censure motion, those cocksuckers in the Big East stole another title.

And then there's this travesty of justice. Huskies coach Calhoun, allowed Marcus Williams to come back and play in December while suspending A.J. Price for the whole season when they were both equally naughty. But Williams is one of his favorites, and Price, well, he isn't. Marcus Williams is outside the law and George Bush is outside the law. Whether it's for spying on Americans without a court order or granting special favors to one of your boys and screwing the other one, karma will eventually rear her ugly head. In the Big Dance, a War Crimes Tribunal or in Hell. They will both get their just desserts.

So anyway, Hunter clued me into the first round upsets. He said there will be no 5/12 seed upsets this year, irritating sports writers everywhere for years to come, and not to put any money on W. Virginia, Arkansas, Indiana, Oklahoma, Cal and as much as he loves his Wildcats, his money is on UAB this year.