The twisted lives of virgins

Rolling Stone has a nifty article that I found via Pandagon, on young adults that are determined to stay vigins until they are married. And boy, am I tellin ya, these guys are twisted freaks. Much more twisted than good old fashioned fornicators. It's a really long article, so I picked out the good parts, just for you.

"I can get aroused looking at a stoplight," he says, his giant eyes
leaving mine and following a woman down Broadway. They snap back to
me and he says, "Anything can be inappropriate. If I look at some woman
and undress her with my eyes, that's just as bad as going down on her."

Gives a whole new meaning to what you think is innocent 'people watching.'

Power holds up his right hand. Wrapped around his wrist, in a figure
eight, is a black plastic bracelet. "This," he says, "is a 'masturband.' "
One of their friends at college -- Pepperdine University -- came up with
the idea. As long as you stay pure -- resist jerking off -- you can wear
your masturband. Give in, and off it goes, a scarlet letter in reverse.
No masturband? No one wants to shake your hand.

Evidently, in addition to not believing in pre-marital sex, they don't believe in soap either.

Sex that is just two bodies in motion strikes them as empty, even if
love is involved. Every encounter must be a kind of threesome: man, wife
and the Lord.

Wow, that's HOT! Insert porno music and fantasy here.

But romance, more than anything else, guides her understanding of
sexuality. This is what she finds romantic: a father who gives his
teenage daughter a "purity" ring, which will be returned on her wedding
day and handed to his daughter's new husband, her virginity passed from
man to man like a baton.

I can't think of anything more creepy than my father having anything to do with my sexuality. And him passing my virginity on the my new husband like a baton? Ewwww!!!

...a twenty-five-year-old man who said he'd slept with forty women before
he re-virgined with the help of the series.

See kids, you too can be a virgin again! But the question remains, can you re-virgin after every sexual encounter?

They recommend memorizing the locations of sexy billboards so that you
can look away and switching your TV to ESPN or Fox News if a tempting
commercial comes on the screen.

Nothing works quite like The O'Reilly Factor to get rid of a raging hard-on.

When I called to confess that reading about tight nylon shorts in
Every Young Man's Battle had aroused me, a professional masturbation
counselor named Jason told me that pornography is "probably the
number-one cause of divorce." Then he suggested I sign up for a
five-day, $1,800 Every Man's Battle workshop...

Eighteen hundred dollars??? Good God! But it's not all about money, or anything. Couldn't you could get a really good hooker in Vegas for half that. That way you wouldn't have to masturbate.

Rushford says that a friend of hers had sex and said it was awful.
"I hate fornication!" agrees Riley, who is still recovering from a
relationship that lasted nine months without a kiss.

Yeah, sex is awful. It's disgusting and icky. I am so never doing it again.

...her sex life began at age eight, when she began fantasizing about
Almanzo, from The Little House on the Prairie. At twelve, she began
lulling herself to sleep every night with elaborate sexual scenarios in
serial form. Always, she swears, in the context of marriage.

I know all my fantasies start out with wedding vows. Really, I swear.

In "Sexless in the City," she writes about sending a vagina made of
chocolate to "Ad Weasel" in lieu of her taking him up on his offer of cunnilingus.

Now, what would Jesus have to say about that?