It's Recess-time Somewhere

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June 26, 2005

The twisted lives of virgins

Rolling Stone has a nifty article that I found via Pandagon, on young adults that are determined to stay vigins until they are married. And boy, am I tellin ya, these guys are twisted freaks. Much more twisted than good old fashioned fornicators. It's a really long article, so I picked out the good parts, just for you.

"I can get aroused looking at a stoplight," he says, his giant eyes
leaving mine and following a woman down Broadway. They snap back to
me and he says, "Anything can be inappropriate. If I look at some woman
and undress her with my eyes, that's just as bad as going down on her."

Gives a whole new meaning to what you think is innocent 'people watching.'

Power holds up his right hand. Wrapped around his wrist, in a figure
eight, is a black plastic bracelet. "This," he says, "is a 'masturband.' "
One of their friends at college -- Pepperdine University -- came up with
the idea. As long as you stay pure -- resist jerking off -- you can wear
your masturband. Give in, and off it goes, a scarlet letter in reverse.
No masturband? No one wants to shake your hand.

Evidently, in addition to not believing in pre-marital sex, they don't believe in soap either.

Sex that is just two bodies in motion strikes them as empty, even if
love is involved. Every encounter must be a kind of threesome: man, wife
and the Lord.

Wow, that's HOT! Insert porno music and fantasy here.

But romance, more than anything else, guides her understanding of
sexuality. This is what she finds romantic: a father who gives his
teenage daughter a "purity" ring, which will be returned on her wedding
day and handed to his daughter's new husband, her virginity passed from
man to man like a baton.

I can't think of anything more creepy than my father having anything to do with my sexuality. And him passing my virginity on the my new husband like a baton? Ewwww!!!

...a twenty-five-year-old man who said he'd slept with forty women before
he re-virgined with the help of the series.

See kids, you too can be a virgin again! But the question remains, can you re-virgin after every sexual encounter?

They recommend memorizing the locations of sexy billboards so that you
can look away and switching your TV to ESPN or Fox News if a tempting
commercial comes on the screen.

Nothing works quite like The O'Reilly Factor to get rid of a raging hard-on.

When I called to confess that reading about tight nylon shorts in
Every Young Man's Battle had aroused me, a professional masturbation
counselor named Jason told me that pornography is "probably the
number-one cause of divorce." Then he suggested I sign up for a
five-day, $1,800 Every Man's Battle workshop...

Eighteen hundred dollars??? Good God! But it's not all about money, or anything. Couldn't you could get a really good hooker in Vegas for half that. That way you wouldn't have to masturbate.

Rushford says that a friend of hers had sex and said it was awful.
"I hate fornication!" agrees Riley, who is still recovering from a
relationship that lasted nine months without a kiss.

Yeah, sex is awful. It's disgusting and icky. I am so never doing it again.

...her sex life began at age eight, when she began fantasizing about
Almanzo, from The Little House on the Prairie. At twelve, she began
lulling herself to sleep every night with elaborate sexual scenarios in
serial form. Always, she swears, in the context of marriage.

I know all my fantasies start out with wedding vows. Really, I swear.

In "Sexless in the City," she writes about sending a vagina made of
chocolate to "Ad Weasel" in lieu of her taking him up on his offer of cunnilingus.

Now, what would Jesus have to say about that?


  • At June 26, 2005, Blogger Ol Cranky said…

    OMG that was brilliant!

    I just have one question about the porno threesome with the Lord. G-d the one who shows up dressed as a pizza-delivery boy? I want to make sure I give a good tip if He is.

  • At June 26, 2005, Anonymous mary said…

    The one thing that set me off was the reference to man and wife. That makes me crazy - husband and wife or then it could be man and any wife, I suppose. I say we send the one kid a big box of soap and say, "Go for it!" Funny post. Thanks

  • At June 27, 2005, Anonymous ricky said…

    A threesome with the Lord?

    I'm sorry, and I don't want to be vulgar, but I have to say, I so can not get a hardon when the Lord's in the room.

    It's like when I'm with a woman and the answering machine by the bed picks up and it's my mom. And she leaves like a twenty minute message.

    It's the end of everything.

    Also, I don't get the problem these little bizarre freaks have with masturbation. Not only is it good for your prostate, but if you want to stay a virgin for any amount of time, I would think that instead of handing out little stupid ass wristbands, these jokers would be handing out dirty magazines, tissues, and bottles of Astroglide.

    I mean, how does working yourself into an unrelieved state of extreme horniness help you stay a virgin?

    Even with the Lord in the room?

  • At June 27, 2005, Blogger cookie christine said…

    Gosh, it's good to have you back, Ricky!

    Nobody says it quite like you.

  • At June 28, 2005, Anonymous Ellen said…

    "Little stupid ass wrist bands?" that have a double identity. Yep, looks like a masturband to me.

  • At June 28, 2005, Blogger cookie christine said…

    Ellen, I see the product reviewer is named Henry. Could it be that slimy charleton, Henry Hyde??

  • At June 28, 2005, Anonymous ricky said…

    Good link, Ellen. Now I get it! That's how these freaks get a hardon with the Lord in the room--their masturbands double as cockrings!

    I need to get one of those "masturbands" and set it next to the answering machine.

  • At June 28, 2005, Anonymous Ellen said…

    I just realized Power's masturband was a black figure-eight. They sell that type, too, in case you want to be just like "one of the guys".

  • At July 03, 2005, Anonymous Random_Stranger_01 said…

    Wow. Sorry, I'm a random stranger and a virgin. I read that article in the Rolling Stone and hope to correct the impression that we're all lunatics. I live in a crappy small town and just haven't meant anyone that it would mean anything to me to do it with. However this stigma against masturbation is just stupid, because, as Ricky pointed out, it IS good for your prostate. And your sanity. Unfortunately the article I read only put things in the context of extreme right wing Christianity (I recall something about "see themselves as the last knights in a battle of purity" or some such nonsense. Honestly, why can't people just live and let live? I don't think virgins should be stigmatized, but stigmatizing people who DO have sex is just as bad. People just need to relax. Anyway, thought I'd rant a little bit, Peace.


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