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October 25, 2005

Selling of Indulgences

Finally made it back to town yesterday afternoon, just in time for happy hour! Yay!!

One of the most awe-inspiring things I saw in Italy was St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. It's big, it's ornate, there's dead popes laying around all willy nilly and it must have cost a fortune to build. Even my dear mother was driven to wonder aloud "with people outside begging, I just don't see how you can justify all of this."

Where did the Catholic Church get all the money to build this behemoth, you ask? Well, rumor has it that it was through the selling of indulgences. This means that if you wish to cheat on your wife, you simply give the church some cash, and bingo! You can commit one sin free of guilt and divine punishment. Want to steal your neighbor's cow? Give some more money to the Church and you've got yourself a cow without having to confess your sin.

So during the reign of Pope Julius II, the "Warrior Pope" in the 16th century, money was getting a little tight and he really wanted to finish off St. Peter's Basilica. So Julius the Terrible decided to sell some indulgences to raise the money to finish it.

This got me to thinkin'. With all the scandals and corruption that's going on in the Republican party these days, why don't they institute a similar method of fundraising.

Are you feeling a little amorous toward your livestock? Simply contribute $100 to the Neal Horsely Barnyard Animals Indulgence Fund and have your way with Bessie.

Fed up with your wife's cancer and the never-ending hospital visits? Is she not young or pretty enough for your political aspirations? Want her to sign the divorce papers while she's in the hospital? All you gotta do is visit your attorney, then donate $100 to the Newt Gingrich Kick Her While She's Down Trust.

There's really all kinds of opportunities for this kind of fundraising, and I think Ken Mehlman should get on this immediately. Maybe he should even start the Official Ken Mehlman-Jeff Gannon Closet Homo Indulgence Endowment Fund.

And of course, I mean "endowment" in the nicest way.

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