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May 08, 2006

How to Incorporate the "Success" in Iraq into Your Pickup Lines

The USDA is being asked to include in their speeches, White House pre-approved talking points about the peace, love, joy and the persistent rosiness we've created in Iraq.

The memo provided for them comes complete with a handy dandy guide to transitioning from the more mundane topics of "corn and soybean meal" to the "revitalization" that is underway in Iraq.

But why stop there? To really get the word out, we need to include these talking points in our pick up lines. Yes, that's right. All the lonely men out there looking to hook up should tow the party line. Now read closely and pay attention, because you'll be needing to send in a weekly staus report.

"Come here often?" could easily be modified to "Come here often? You know I do, but where I'd really like to go is Iraq. I hear it's really beautiful and afterall the insurgency really is in it's last throes."

"I didn't know angels could fly so low" might be a nice transition to how the U.S. has been so angelic in displacing thousands of Iraqis and tearing families apart, not to mention the righteous and divine interrogation methods used in Abu Ghraib and Gitmo.

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. Just like I'd put the Sunni's, Shi'ites and Kurds together as one big prosperous democratic free and happy nation."

Or you could just start out with the talking point, and if you haven't lost her interest, then go in for the kill.... "You know Iraq is part of the "fertile crescent" in Mesopotamia. How do you feel about fertility, planting seeds and casual sex?"

There really are a host of opportunities to throw in a little Iraq happy talk while still securing a late night hookup. Please send in a weekly email summarizing the event, date and location of each pickup line incorporating the attached language. Your responses will be included in a weekly account sent to the White House.

Thanks to mikevotes for the tip!