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July 05, 2005

How to Boost Recruitment for the War

"With the deluge of negative news that we get daily, it's just amazing to
me that anybody would want to sign up," said Sen. Pat Roberts (news,
bio, voting record), a Kansas Republican.

Exactly! He is so right! We should make shit up instead.

Every time the media reports that a soldier died in Iraq or Afghanistan, let's pretend that it didn't happen. And that instead, one of the bad guys died.

Every time we hear a soldier has come back to Walter Reed severely wounded or missing a limb or something, let's pretend that instead he came back perfectly healthy with a million dollars and some really nice souvenirs for the wife and kids.

And every time we hear about how some vehicles aren't armored properly, or that our soldiers don't have enough body armor, we'll just pretend that they do. And not only that, they get cheesecake for dessert every night. Yeah, that's it!

And let's pretend that there's none of this back door draft stuff going on. What you sign up for is what you get, no more. And not only that, the army has conjugal visits, you can have your hoochie over for the weekend once a month. Even more if you're a good little slob.

And not only that, let's pretend that when you get out, the benefits are awesome! Not only do you get free medical care for you and the family, but you get free day care for the kids, a new car for you and your spouse and a parade in your honor on your birthday every year. A really nice, big parade, with cheesecake, of course!

With all those goodies, even Jenna and Barbara will run (not walk) down to their local recruiting office!