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December 22, 2005

Subversive Toy Review - GI Joe Valor vs. Venom Figure

This is the fifth and probably final review of an ongoing series of reviews of subversive toys. I think it's apparent to all of us that the vast left-wing conspiracy has infiltrated Toyland and is plotting to make our boy children little pantywaist homos and our girl children shameless hussies.

Seeing as how Christmas is only three days away, you need to be prepared to clobber Santa Claus with the rolling pin if he comes down your chimney bearing a gift like this. I don't think there's a toy out that will provide your little boy a faster ticket to the gay disco clubs.


Exhibit A: This toy comes with not one, not two, but six phallic shaped accessories. While it is usually nice to stimulate your son's imagination, six phallic shaped accessories might just stimulate it in the wrong direction -- the direction that leads him directly to the gay porn section of the adult bookstore.

Exhibit B: If you press this GI Joe's tummy, he speaks. Similarly, the Pillsbury Dough Boy giggles and utters incoherently when you poke him in the belly, and I think we all know what a big homo he is. Before you know it, your son will be baking pink heart cookies for his boyfriend Jake.

Exhibit C: This toy comes with three "gauntlets." But if you look closely, they distinctly resemble butt plugs. I think we all know where this could lead. You're nursing a mean hangover on New Years Day, cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. Then you look out the window and see Johnny and his friends carousing the sandbox with gauntlets stuck up there anuses. Not a good way to ring in the New Year, now is it?

Exhibit D: This GI Joe comes with kneepads. I'm not sure why a GI would need kneepads, perhaps it's part of that "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Now if your son thinks he's going to be issued regulation kneepads when he joins the military, you can be sure, he'll find your copy of Tickle His Pickle and turn straight to chapter eight in preparation for his military career.

I hope you all enjoyed this series, and if you are in need of any more guidance in your holdiday toy shopping, I'll be happy to respond to your questions and concerns.

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