What To Do if You Can't Get Your Kid to Eat
So you've tried coaxing, begging, fun foods, favorite foods, making it a game, bribing, yummy deserts if you finish all your peas, etc, etc, etc, and still can't get your child to eat?? Well read this. I think the Bush Administration could be on to something.
Let Them Eat Bombs
...And not just bombing, but capturing and torturing their fathers,
humiliating their mothers, shooting at them from road blocks - but none
of it seems to do any good. Iraqi children simply refuse to be better
nourished, healthier and less inclined to die. It is truly baffling.
[...]
A report to the UN human rights commission in Geneva has concluded
that Iraqi children were actually better off under Saddam Hussein than
they are now. This, of course, comes as a bitter blow for all those of
us who, like George Bush and Tony Blair, honestly believe that children
thrive best when we drop bombs on them from a great height, destroy
their cities and blow up hospitals, schools and power stations.
It now appears that, far from improving the quality of life for Iraqi
youngsters, the US-led military assault on Iraq has inexplicably
doubled the number of children under five suffering from malnutrition.
Under Saddam, about 4% of children under five were going hungry,
whereas by the end of last year almost 8% were suffering.
These results are even more disheartening for those of us in the
Department of Making Things Better for Children in the Middle East
By Military Force, since the previous attempts by Britain and
America to improve the lot of Iraqi children also proved
disappointing.
So those in the Department of Making Things Better for Children in the Middle East By Military Force are looking for more ideas, if you have them please send them to president@whitehouse.gov.
And this is why we at the department are appealing to you - the
general public - for ideas. If you can think of any other military
techniques that we have so far failed to apply to the children of
Iraq, please let us know as a matter of urgency. We assure you that,
under our present leadership, there is no limit to the amount of money
we are prepared to invest in a military solution to the problems of
Iraqi children.
Let Them Eat Bombs
...And not just bombing, but capturing and torturing their fathers,
humiliating their mothers, shooting at them from road blocks - but none
of it seems to do any good. Iraqi children simply refuse to be better
nourished, healthier and less inclined to die. It is truly baffling.
[...]
A report to the UN human rights commission in Geneva has concluded
that Iraqi children were actually better off under Saddam Hussein than
they are now. This, of course, comes as a bitter blow for all those of
us who, like George Bush and Tony Blair, honestly believe that children
thrive best when we drop bombs on them from a great height, destroy
their cities and blow up hospitals, schools and power stations.
It now appears that, far from improving the quality of life for Iraqi
youngsters, the US-led military assault on Iraq has inexplicably
doubled the number of children under five suffering from malnutrition.
Under Saddam, about 4% of children under five were going hungry,
whereas by the end of last year almost 8% were suffering.
These results are even more disheartening for those of us in the
Department of Making Things Better for Children in the Middle East
By Military Force, since the previous attempts by Britain and
America to improve the lot of Iraqi children also proved
disappointing.
So those in the Department of Making Things Better for Children in the Middle East By Military Force are looking for more ideas, if you have them please send them to president@whitehouse.gov.
And this is why we at the department are appealing to you - the
general public - for ideas. If you can think of any other military
techniques that we have so far failed to apply to the children of
Iraq, please let us know as a matter of urgency. We assure you that,
under our present leadership, there is no limit to the amount of money
we are prepared to invest in a military solution to the problems of
Iraqi children.
posted by cookie christine @ 4/15/2005
5 Comments:
At April 15, 2005,
Anonymous said…
Damn...no matter how hard we try...ungrateful little turds. Agnostic Oracle is headed in the right direction, but I think he just pulling punches.
I renew my call for the use of tactical nuclear weapons on all Iraqi population centers and outlying areas that might harbor "insurgents!" This would eliminate the terr'st problem, stop children from starving to death (instant reduction to plasma is a lot more humane) and establish a cordon sanitaire around the oil fields that would make them safe for American exploitation for at least generation!
At April 15, 2005,
cookie christine said…
Jerry,
please excuse my confusion and possible ignorance, but cordon sanitaire means sanitary cord in French.
Now either I'm oblivious to some new military strategy, or you're still hung up on the tampon with the spike, a little further down the page.
Back on point, I think you guys are both thinking in the right direction. Good work!
At April 15, 2005,
Anonymous said…
Don't 'chall think napkins sanitaire would be better on the fields. They'd be great for wiping up blood on the field.
At April 15, 2005,
Anonymous said…
Oh, and the spiked tampons female soldiers could use in hand-to-hand combat.
One swift swipe out, hit enemy with the spike, and gone, just like that!
They won't know what hit them.
At April 15, 2005,
cookie christine said…
Great ideas Ellen! We'll use the spiked tampon for our female soldiers. They should work well, especially on children under four feet, and given the state of malnutrition, a lot of them should be small-ish.
We can use the sanitary cords as toture and restraining devices at Abu Gharib, and given the cultural stigma of menstural blood or anything to do with menses, I think they will successfully extract numerous confessions of the "I hit my sister, and I'm sorry variety."
Then if there is any "collatoral damage," of the messy kind, we can use the napkins sanitaire to clean it up.
Good job everyone!!
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