Reading Between the Lines

There's been a lot of talk about Laura Bush's comedy routine at the White House Correspondents Dinner the other night. I think a lot of what she says is simply a cry for help.

What she said:
"I've been attending these dinners for years and just quietly sitting there. I've got a few things I want to say for a change."
What she meant:
Good god, I get tired of listen to him stutter. It's really quite embarrassing.

What she said:
"He's usually in bed by now. I'm not kidding. I said to him the other day, George, if you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later."
What she meant:
He doesn't care about my needs. He's always foolin' around with Jeff Gannon and the other hired White House whores. I can be kind of a tyrant when I'm not satisfied.

What she said:
"Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep and I'm watching `Desperate Housewives'. With Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife."
What she meant:
I'm gonna start sleeping with the interns if he doesn't start going down on me every night.

What she said:
"One night after George went to bed, Lynne Cheney, Condi Rice, Karen Hughes and I went to Chippendales....I won't tell you what happened, but Lynne's Secret Service code name is now Dollar Bill."
What she meant:
Lynne is a total lesbo, but Karl Rove said I need to cover for her.

What she said:
"I was the librarian who spent 12 hours a day in the library and yet somehow I met George."
What she meant:
We used to do it in the stacks. I miss those sordid, spontaneous days. George used to be such a stud. Now he's just a homo.

What she said:
"People often wonder what my mother-in-law is really like. People think she's a sweet, grandmotherly Aunt Bee type. She's actually more like Don Corleone."
What she meant:
What a crazy old bat. I wish she'd just die already.

What she said:
"I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse."
What she meant:
I should have known. Even back then he showed homosexual tendencies.

What she said:
"George's answer to any problem at the ranch is to cut it down with a chainsaw. Which I think is why he and Cheney and Rumsfeld get along so well."
What she meant:
Those pre-emptive wars for no reason are just so precious and when he and the boys kill all those brown people, it just makes my heart go pitter-patter. Even though he is a homo, I still love him.