Rick Santorum Gets his Lobbyist Fix

Senator Rick Santorum tired really, really hard to give up those K-Street meetings every Tuesday morning. A few months ago, he vowed to come clean.

Santorum, whose ties to Washington lobbyists have been criticized by his
Democratic challenger, suspended his biweekly encounters on Jan. 30.

But you know what they say.... Once an addict, always an addict. He's back at it now, only in a different location

But in the month since his announcement, Santorum has held two
meetings attended by the same core group of lobbyists, and has used
the sessions to appeal for campaign aid, according to participants.
Both of those meetings were convened at the same time as the previous
meetings -- 8:30 a.m. -- on the same day of the week -- Tuesday --
and they lasted for about as long as the earlier meetings -- one hour.

The nervousness, diarrhea, insomnia, the poor concentration, cold sweats and the twitching must have been too much for him. Going cold turkey just isn't going to cut it for this sweaty, twitchy Senator from Pennsylvannia. Or Virginia. Or wherever he might tell you he's from to get one more hit.

But I'm here to help. So, without further adieu, I give you the Official Lobbyist Addiction 12 Step Program.

1. We admitted we were powerless without lobbyists; that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than us sleazy politicians could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of our constituents(people, not corporations and lobbyists) as we understood them.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of campaign finance transgressions.
5. Admitted to the people, to ourselves, and to the little guys that got screwed the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have Dick Cheney shoot us in the face.
7. Humbly asked Karl Rove to not end our White House support for re-election
8. Made a list of all the people we had ass-fucked, and provide anal lube and medical treatment if necessary
9. Made direct amends to the aforementioned ass-fucked wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to return Abramoff-tainted campaign money and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through meetings and baby-kissing to improve our conscious contact with people (not lobbyists or corporations), gathering knowledge of what I can do as a Congressman to make their lives better.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other sleazy politicians, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.