The Gospel of Anal Sex

Maybe all you perverts out there already know about this one, but while I was making the blog rounds, I came across this from Skippy.

Anal sex is confusing to many Christians because of the attention
paid to the Bible's condemnation of homosexual acts. However, it's
important to realize that these often quoted scriptures refer only to
sexual acts between two men. Nowhere does the Bible forbid anal sex
between a male and female.

In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between
men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how "The virgins of
Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground,"” indicating how a
virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex.
Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman'’s pride in her "valley"
(referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices
her lover to ejaculate against her backside: "How boastful you are
about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures,
{saying,} ' Who will come against me?' (Jeremiah 49:4) And in the
Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from
behind: "“Draw me after you, let us make haste."” (Song of Solomon, 1:4)

I would think this should be more than enough enticement for some of you to scorn that false idol, the Flying Spaghetti Monster and bring you back into the fold.

And by "back in the fold," I think you know what I mean.

Mainstream Media Knows It's Being Used

You know how it works, you've been there before. You stay late to watch the band, you give the drummer that look. You know... the one that Nala gives Simba near the beginning of the first Lion King movie. You've been practicing it daily since you saw the movie.

You finally catch his eye, stumble out of the club together, and slip down the alley way between a dumpster and a beat up Cutlass. Under a moonless night sky, you do things with him that your mother can't pronounce and things you'll be too embarrassed to tell your best friend. Afterwards, he tells you that he must go, as his girlfriend is waiting for him.

"You know you're being used, but in a way you kind of like it."

During the June 18 edition of CNN's Reliable Sources, Gloria Borger,
a CBS News contributor and U.S. News & World Report contributing editor,
acknowledged that the media "are suckers" because of their coverage of
President Bush's surprise June 13 trip to Iraq. Adding that "[w]e do
like these secret trips," Borger concluded: "[Y]ou know you're being used,
but in a way you kind of like it because it's good pictures."

They lure you in with promises of fame and fortune, pleasure and pain. Even from the beginning, you know how it's going to end. You're encouraging the lies, savoring the deceit and gleefully lapping up each and every last drop of subterfuge. But you do it anyway for those fleeting tingles, hoping and praying that your actions don't hurt our flailing democracy or, heaven forbid give you another one of those nasty infections.

Friday Bart Blogging - June 9th Edition

Bart celebrates Tom DeLay's leaving Congress by nibbling on his bone.

Friday Bart Blogging - June 2nd, 2006

Bart sits like a good boy, anxiously awaiting a Karl Rove indictment, the mid-term elections and the end of the war in Iraq.

Open Thread - Feel Free to Say Nice Things About Me

"Needless to say, not everybody has nice things to say about me," she
said, so "anybody who wants to say something nice, please feel free to do
so. You know, it's one of those things where it's occasionally important to
have a little bit of that positive affirmation. If nothing else, then I'll
have to call my parents, and the reality is they don't give it to me either."

Quote from Tracy Henke, the Executive Director of the Office of State and Local Government Coordination and Preparedness at the Department of Homeland Security and the genius who decided to cut DHS funding for New York City and Washington, D.C. by 40%.

McBride's "Pick up the Towel" Tour

Now I don't know about you guys, but whether you're in a prison laundry room or are simply cleaning up after a particularly messy episode in the Quicky Mart restroom with that sexy young trucker you met on the highway, "picking up the towel" certainly carries with it some compelling connotations.

Just when you thought the Florida Senate race couldn't get any more pleasing, what with Katherine Harris continually entertaining us with her lively antics, we have Will McBride jumping in there with his "Pick up the Towel" tour.

The tour is scheduled to make stops in Naples and Homestead and then
work it's way up the east coast to Jacksonville and then across the
Panhandle. The McBride campaign promises that a schedule will be
posted on his website, www.mcbrideforsenate.com, but so far it's not
available.

McBride has dubbed his bus tour the "Pick Up The Towel" tour.

"For the past few months all I have heard is that the Republicans have
thrown in the towel because the pundits say Bill Nelson can't be
defeated,"” McBride said in a statement issued by his campaign. "But
I've seen the numbers and I know I can win, so I am here to pick up
the towel and provide Floridians a real choice this November."

Now I'm really torn. Do we continue with our regularly scheduled "Fear and Loathing In Longboat Key - On the Campaign Trail With Katherine Harris" tour, or do we follow the "Pick up the Towel" gang? Can we do both without getting arrested or dying from vaporlocking during snorting laughter? Help me out guys, cuz the cognitive dissonance here is just too much to bare.

via Florida Politics

What Happens at Republican Fundraisers Stays at Republican Fundraisers.

Maryland Governor, Robert Ehrlich and President George Bush are seen her shamelessly pandering the to the Log Cabin Republicans at a fundraising event.

Give Me Wild Turkey or Give Me Death

Wonkette has an interesting take on the Department of Homeland Security's seemingly bat shit crazy distribution of federal grants to fight the forces of darkness here at home, and I tend to agree with her.

Let's look on the bright side: We are relieved that DHS is clearly
so devoted to protecting the Midwest. That's where our nation's breweries
are, after all. In fact, with Kentucky and Tennessee - birthplaces of
America's best Whiskeys -— also winning a couple million more bucks,
we're beginning to think those DHS guys have their priorities lined up
pretty well with ours. We wouldn't miss a monument or two - but take
away our bourbon and cheap beer, and you'’re taking away what really
makes America so great.

Who really cares if there's another catastrophic terrorist attack if we're all drunk? In fact, if we drink enough, we won't even remember it the next day.

However, that one non-drinking friend of yours who never hesitates to remind you of just what article of clothing you took off and threw around the room or who licked off the Wild Turkey you spilled on your blouse might still be traumatized.

The moral of the story is just stay drunk, George Bush's presidency will be over in two short years and you won't remember a thing. There will be a new President and a bottle of aspirin awaiting you in 2008.

Gagging Librarians During the Patriot Act Re-Authorization Debates

Hot off the presses from the "Only in George Bush's America" file and rife with allusions to librarians being gagged, then leading to visuals of hot and kinky, bespectacled librarian sex, resulting in disturbing fantasies, we have this gem.

The NSL is a little known statute in the Patriot Act that permits
law enforcement to obtain records of people not suspected of any
wrongdoing and without a court order. As part of the NSL, those served
with the document are gagged and prohibited from disclosing that they
have even been served.

The foursome of Barbara Bailey, Peter Chase, George Christian,
and Jan Nocek were automatically gagged from disclosing that they had
received the letter, the contents of the letter, and even from
discussions surrounding the Patriot Act.

[...]

On September 9 of last year, a federal judge lifted the gag order
and rejected the government's argument that identifying the plaintiff
would pose a threat to national security.

Yet the government continued to appeal the case throughout the
reauthorization debate, passionately arguing that not a single incident
of civil liberties violations by the Patriot Act had occurred. By
continuing the appeal, the government effectively silenced any evidence
to counter their claims.

"This all happened during the reauthorization debate and the government
was saying no one's rights were being violated," said George Christian,
staff liaison for Library Connection and one of the plaintiffs in the case.

As the debate over the reauthorization of the Patriot Act heated up,
the librarians and others gagged by the NSL had to watch in silence,
intimately aware of dangers they believed were not being exposed.

All the while Barbara, Peter, George and Jan are gagged, unable to utter a peep, and doing lord-only-knows-what during the Patriot Act re-authorization debates, our Congressmen and women are voting on the extent they plan on taking away our civil liberties, without the benefit of knowing the true nature of these National Security Letters, because Barbara, Peter, George and Jan can't speak.