It's Recess-time Somewhere

Proud Member of the Reality-Based Sandbox

April 11, 2006

Wild Speculation

Seeing as how the White House has been engaging in some "wild speculation," I don't see why we, the people of the United States shouldn't follow suit.

The reason George Bush won't let Rumsfeld resign?

Nope, it's not because of that "changing horsemen during the apocalypse" thing, or not wanting to dump the Iraq debacle in some other poor sod's lap. It's because he's the only one that can satisfy Laura. Yup, George Bush is always too drunk, or too busy struggling over the big words in his My First Little Readers book. When Laura gets the itch, she goes straight for Rumsfeld. Or "Schnookie Don" as she likes to call him.

The reason Cheney isn't running for President in 2008?

Nope, not because of his heart problems and not because 84% of American's think he's the anti-christ. It's because he's afraid the press will find out that he was the one behind the whole Jeff Gannon thing. He was letting a male prostitute into the White House, and gratuitously using his services as well as passing him around to other senior officials. His marriage of convenience with Lynne would come to the surface and we'd all find out that the whole lot of them are queer as three headed pennies.

Ever wonder why George Bush takes so much vacation time and why it always seems to be around a full moon?

Yep, he's a werewolf. And the decision to invade Iraq was done during a full moon. We already know it had nothing to do with WMDs or al Qaeda or 9/11. But what we didn't know was that it also had nothing to do with avenging his daddy, or oil, or finding a strategic spot in the Mid East to build some permanent military bases. It was all about gaining unfettered access to fresh meat.

Remember that old story about James Dobson and how he valiantly subdued his 12 pound doggie Siggie?

Well let's just say that "the most vicious fight ever staged between man and beast," involved no doggie anal lube, and after the DNA test came back, the county took little Siggie away from the Dobsons and adopted him out to a kinder gentler family.