It's Recess-time Somewhere

Proud Member of the Reality-Based Sandbox

February 28, 2006

The Correlation Between Bill Frist's Comfort Level and His Presidential Aspirations

It's always nice to hear Bill Frist has a "greater comfort level." Whether he's referring to going up a size in his jockey shorts, discovering "snug fit" condoms, or cozying up to the Dubai ports deal, we always like to see our Senate Majority Leaders feeling comfortable.

However I do find it somewhat compelling that Bill Frist's increasing comfort level with the Bush Administration's position on the ports deal oddly coincides with the Insight's suggestion that Vice President Dick Cheney might retire soon after the 2006 midterm elections.

Bill Frist was unavailable for comment, as he was busily practicing scrawling the phrases "Vice President Bill Frist," "President Frist," "President-Elect Bill Frist," and "President and Mrs. Bill Frist" in his bestest fanciest cursive script.

February 27, 2006

The President's Lack of Bowel Control

President George Bush tries really, really hard not to shit his pants while telling the National Governors Association that he intends to cut the number of National Guard troops after recieving a letter signed by all 50 of them that oppose the cuts.

Our Moving/Falling Object-in-Chief

Remember last July when George Bush fell off his bicycle and ran into a police officer in Scotland during the G8 Summit? It was summertime, the sky was blue, the birds were chirping, the flowers were blooming and Michael Brown was still in charge of FEMA. Ah yes, those were good times!

Well, the police report for this unfortunate incident has just recently emerged. What took so long, you might ask? In this Brave New World, we are lucky to get any non-tampered-with news, so you just simmer down, read the rest of this post and save your questions until the end. And bear in mind that there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

He may be the most powerful man in the world, but proof has emerged
that President George Bush cannot ride a bike, wave and speak at the
same time.


"[At] about 1800 hours the President approached the junction at speed
on the bicycle. The road was damp at the time. As the President passed
the junction at speed he raised his left arm from the handlebars to wave
to the police officers present while shouting 'thanks, you guys, for

"As he did this he lost control of the cycle, falling to the ground,
causing both himself and his bicycle to strike [the officer] on the lower
legs. [The officer] fell to the ground, striking his head.


At hospital, a doctor examined the constable and diagnosed damage to
his ankle ligaments and issued him with crutches. The cause was officially
recorded as: "Hit by moving/falling object."

Yes, that's our President being referred to as a "moving/falling object."

I'm not sure I've ever been more proud to be an American.

Earlier this month, we had the Vice President mistaking his friend for a bird and shooting him in the face, and then we find out this week that our President caused a constable in Scotland to miss 14 weeks of work due to running him over with his bicycle at ramming speed.

The question of whether the President and Vice President were drunk, stupid or clumsy during the time of these incidents remains unanswered. But then so does the question of whether they both were drunk or stupid or clumsy during the follow-up to the war in Iraq, that has caused over 30,000 deaths, countless injuries, cost U.S. taxpayers over 200 billion dollars, and spiraled Iraq to the brink of civil war.

Katherine Harris, High Dollar Fetish Hooker???

As some of you probably already know, Katherine Harris got $32,000 in illegal campaign contributions from Mitchell Wade, former chief executive of MZM Inc.

Now I've pondered and studied this long and hard and can only come to one conclusion.

Katherine Harris must be an high-dollar fetish prostitute.

She accepted $32,000. All of it from Mitchell Wade. The checks came from other people, but Wade refunded the check amount to those people. So yes. All $32,000 came from Wade.

Harris and Wade are claiming that he wanted her to push legislation to fund an MZM plant in Sarasota, however it was never funded. So what, exactly did Wade get for his $32,000, you ask?

Well, after "dinner at an expensive Washington restaurant," watching Harris twirl her hair, do that silly school-girl giggle as she ordered each subsequent cocktail, and no doubt enjoying the whole dinner in profile, as she does her Fox News interviews, I'm guessing Wade was defenseless. He was more than willing to spend $32,000 to get Harris to perform whatever twisted activity helps get his rocks off.

Now $32,000 is a lot of money. So obviously, she's more than the run-of-the-mill wham, bam thank you ma'am hooker. For $32,000, she must be doing some really freaky shit.

Far be it from me to engage in wild speculation, but poo eating, maybe? Diaper changing, perhaps? Three orifices at one time? It's gotta be something exotic and niche-y, if she's charging $32,000, right?

So I think the moral of the story here boys is, if you're gonna hire a freaky hooker, you better make damn good and sure, she's not a Republican running for U.S. Senate, or you too could be looking at doing some time in the slammer.

February 24, 2006

Bush: U.S. Setting a 'Forward Strategy for Anal Rape'

In George Bush's speech to the American Legion today, he spoke the words "free" or "freedom" no less than 82 times.

But I know you guys aren't as gullible as his audience there in Washington today. We all know it's not freedom he's spreading, but imperialism. Imperialistic anal rape is what he's spreading. Painful, non-lubed, hold still and take it or I'll kill you ass fucking. Plain and simple.

It's literally apparent in these recently-released photos from Abu Ghraib, and figuratively apparent in the economic policies we're sowing around the world in an attempt to suck the wealth out of other countries while we fuck them in the ass.

So for those of you that might not have your handy dandy Freedom-to-Anal Rape translation tool handy or neglected to drink your daily dose of White House Kool-Aid&trade, here's a few excerpts from the speech.

--we're advancing our security at home by advancing the cause of anal
rape across the world, because, in the long run, the only way to defeat
the terrorists is to defeat their dark vision of hatred and fear by
offering the hopeful alternative of human anal rape.

--That's what I want to talk to you about today -- our forward strategy
for anal rape. I'll discuss why the advance of anal rape is vital to our
security and the peace of the world

--Across the world anal rape is on the march, and we will not rest until
the promise of anal rape reaches people everywhere across the globe. It's
in our national interest. It's important that we understand the capacity
of anal rape to yield the peace.

--In that region that has known decades of tyranny and oppression, we're
seeing the rise of a new generation whose hearts burn for anal rape, and
they will have anal rape.

--We'll continue to stand with people of the Middle East as they step
forward to claim their anal rape. We can be confident in our cause
because we have seen anal rape conquer tyranny and secure the peace
before. We've seen anal rape arrive on waves of unstoppable progress
to nations in Latin America and Asia and Africa and Eastern Europe.
And now the hope of anal rape is stirring in the Middle East, and no
one should bet against it.

--On the economic side, we're continuing reconstruction efforts and
helping Iraqis build a modern economy so all Iraqi citizens can
experience the benefits of anal rape.

--anal rape's progress in Afghanistan and Iraq is inspiring millions
around the world to demand their liberty, as well.

Well, I guess that last one sounds right on.

Here's a Piece of Legislation I Can Get Behind

Let's prohibit Republicans from adopting children or being foster parents!

Ohio State Sen. Robert Hagan sent out e-mails to fellow lawmakers
late Wednesday night, stating that he intends to "introduce legislation
in the near future that would ban households with one or more
Republican voters from adopting children or acting as foster parents."


Hagan said his legislation was written in response to a bill introduced
in the Ohio House this month by state Rep. Ron Hood, R-Ashville, that is
aimed at prohibiting gay adoption.


To further lampoon Hood's bill, Hagan wrote in his mock proposal that
"credible research" shows that adopted children raised in Republican
households are more at risk for developing "emotional problems, social
stigmas, inflated egos, and alarming lack of tolerance for others they
deem different than themselves and an air of overconfidence to mask
their insecurities."

However, Hagan admitted that he has no scientific evidence to support the
above claims.

Just as "Hood had no scientific evidence" to back his assertion that
having gay parents was detrimental to children, Hagan said.

In fact, let's take it one step further and have mandatory castrations for all Republicans!

I believe we can get bipartisan support for this measure. The quantity of castrations must be indirectly proportional to the number of abortions, right? So the Republicans will see it as a way to limit abortions and the Democrats will see it as a way to limit future Republican voters.

Ok, who's in?

The Unintended Consequences of the Bird Flu Scare

I think we all learned from watching Three's Company that the only way to lure chesty Santa Monica co-eds over to your house is to offer to cook Coq au Vin for them.

But now we have this, from the NY Times:

In the Land of Coq au Vin, Soul-Searching Over Bird Flu

Not only are the French chicken ranchers and the thousands of slaughtered birds rattled, we have the entire hetero male population of Santa Monica scambling to find a new dish that will make the ladies swoon.

Hopefully this madness will be over soon, and the loveable space that needs your face will have a yummy poultry dish on the table.

Friday Bart Blogging - February 24th, 2006

Since Wonkette has indicated that both Duke and UConn pose an unrelenting political and national security risk...

and who can forget when Duke manufactured Agent Orange and then
caused the worst industrial accident in the history of the United
States while UConn sold expired meals to the Army and bilked the
government out of billions of uncontested reconstruction dollars?

...and due to some gentle prodding by Karl Rove, Bart offered late last night to delay nibbling on the KU/KState rawhide bone. The surprise announcement should give the Jayhawks a few more weeks to work their way up to the top 10 before the NCAA Tournament begins.

February 23, 2006

Bill O'Reilly, Rabid Flip-Flopper and Pinhead

Fox News's over-zealous falafel-wielding Bill O'Reilly was against cutting and running from Iraq before he was for it.

Bill O'Reilly suggested that the United States "hand over everything to
the Iraqis as fast as humanly possible" because "[t]here are so many nuts
in the country -- so many crazies -- that we can't control them." O'Reilly
has previously called those advocating immediate withdrawal from Iraq
"pinheads" and compared them to Hitler appeasers.

You know, once people get into that hot dessert climate, where their government has been overthrown, their cities have been destroyed, and civil war is on the horizon, people just shed their inhibitions. They threaten to deploy their own militias, they drop out of negotiations, they have dinner then come back and bomb mosques... that's basically the modus operandi.

The White House's Penchant For Self-Gratification Proposals

Evidently, Patrick Leahy isn't the only one that has had it suggested to him by someone in the Bush Administration to perform an anatomically impossible act.

From the Daily News, regarding the UAE-running-our-ports issue, we find this gem.

"This was a sound business decision," said a senior Republican operative
of the Dubai deal, "and an absolutely inept political decision. But this
is what happens when you've spent five and a half years telling your
Republican friends to go screw themselves."

Yes kids, Republicans and Democrats alike enjoy these undignified and sometimes confusing pieces of unsolicited advice from the White House.

February 22, 2006

Drinking Liberally Tonight

Drinking Liberally is tonight in Tampa! We're meeting at 7:30pm at New World Brewery, 1313 East 8th Ave, in Ybor City. There's free parking right next door on both sides, and the first two people there that mention this post, get to buy me a $2.50 Blue Moon Belgian Ale.

Also, if you show up, you'll get the privilege of meeting Bart the Beagle.

Now, how can you possibly pass up such an opportunity?

How Farting Can Save the Planet

Squeezing one out, U.S. President George W. Bush demonstrates how harnessing the power of farts can end our dependence on Middle Eastern oil.

Joe Lieberman Re-Inserts his Official White House Approved Ball-Gag&trade

With most Congressional Democrats, Dennis Hastert, Bill Frist and many other usually-rabid Bush-fellating Congressional Republicans publicly voicing their outrage regarding turning over our port security to the United Arab Emirates, we can always depend on Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT) to support his President.

One of the few legislators to come close to defending the transaction
was Senator Joseph I. Lieberman, Democrat of Connecticut, who is
considered a security hawk among Democrats.

He told ABC News that he was "not yet" prepared to try to block the sale.
He noted that many port terminals in the United States are foreign-owned.

He is also "not yet" prepared to remove his lips from the President's lips.

Story via Alternate Brain, Photo of the lovebirds via Bottle of Blog.

Katherine Harris Goes Down On Bill Nelson

A poll conducted by Strategic Vision shows Katherine Harris trailing Bill Nelson 49-34% in the Florida Senate race. This indicates a two point slide for Harris and a one point gain for Nelson.

"She needs to be in the 40s," Johnson said of Harris's share of the
independent vote. "The problem with her is she's going down."”

But unfortunately for Harris, all the cock sucking and blue eye shadow in the world won't get her to Capitol Hill.

February 17, 2006

Friday Bart Blogging - February 17th Edition

Bart is in charge until Tuesday, as I'll be in Colorado visiting friends, family and that flaky white stuff that falls from the sky.

In case you are concerned about Bart's well-being, as the evil President Bush is mere blocks away from my house, rest easy. Bart has been moved to an undisclosed location for the remainder of my absence.

Bush Administration Determined to Strike New York Again

Now I'm not an expert or anything, but I'm guessing that the 9/11 Commission never suggested outsourcing Port Security in and around the New York area to a company owned by the United Arab Emirates.

So Gonzales, Rice, Rumsfeld, Snow, and an other Bush
administration officials conducted a security review and decided--
unanimously--that the sale did not post a national security threat.
How thorough was their investigation? They did not conduct
background checks on senior managers of the company, nor did they
ask how the company screens its own employees. You know, just in
case a terrorist wants to infiltrate the company that now has
unprecedented and unfettered access to our ports.

Think Progress compiles some handy facts for us about the UAE.

-- The UAE was one of three countries in the world to recognize
the Taliban as the legitimate government of Afghanistan.

-- The UAE has been a key transfer point for illegal shipments of
nuclear components to Iran, North Korea and Lybia.

-- According to the FBI, money was transferred to the 9/11 hijackers
through the UAE banking system.

--– After 9/11, the Treasury Department reported that the UAE was not
cooperating in efforts to track down Osama Bin Laden's bank accounts.

How George Bush "won" the election claiming to be tougher on National Security issues is simply baffling.

February 16, 2006

The White House and Blatant In-Your-Face Lies

Ok, Ok, listen. Here's a good one. Are you sitting down? Swallow your milk or soda so you don't spit it out on your keyboard. Get the tissues handy because, depending on your present disposition, this will either make you laugh or cry.

The 53-nation U.N. Human Rights Commission delivers a report today citing boatloads of human rights abuses of detainees at the Guantanamo Bay prison at the hands of their American captors. However the United States, which is a member of the commission, has criticized the body itself for including members with poor human rights records. Hoo-hoo!

Ok, Ok, one more. Keep sitting down. Keep those tissues handy. It gets better.

When queried about this U.N. report, White House Spokesmonkey Scott McClellan has this to say:

McClellan dismissed the report as a "rehash" of allegations previously
made by lawyers for some detainees and said the military treats all
prisoners humanely.

However, just yesterday a whole bunch of new photographs, videos and supporting documents were released depicting prisoners being treated inhumanely. (Most of this stuff is mind-bogglingly disturbing and not the slightest bit safe for work)

Really, you can't make this stuff up.

But seriously folks, these are real people, with real injuries and your tax dollars are supporting this very real nightmare.

The Irony Meter at the St. Pete Times

Some Tampa Bay area residents were outraged on the plethora of coverage the St. Pete Times gave to Dick Cheney's "hunting" "accident."

They're going to make a big deal about two men who didn't even use
common sense in trying to bring down a defenseless bird?


So, please, don't let this agony take up any more of our valuable time, for goodness' sake. Please get back to minding the store.

So, The St. Pete Times did what any apple-pie democracy-lovin' Pulitzer Prize-winning newspaper would do, and devoted their entire Opinion Page to the issue today.

If you are at all still confused as to why this is an issue the American people should be aware of, go read Bottle of Blog where the posts are peppered with the f-word, the analysis is always intriguing, and these compelling questions are posed.

If it was simple, careless, stupidity--why the fuck did it take the
Vice President five days to talk about it?

Why did it take five days for the White House to provide a time line of

Why all the conflicting stories?

Why the fourteen hour delay to talk to the local cops?

Why all the confusion within the White House itself over events and time?

Why the original blaming of Whittington for getting shot, which has been,
five days later, rejected by Cheney?

Why the scrubbing of any mention of beer on the day of the shooting to
have Cheney, five days later, say, hey, maybe he had a beer or two?

Why the idiotic descriptions of Whittington being "peppered" and
"bruised" when the guy was airlifted to a hospital and spent three days
in the ICU ward?

Sometimes You Just Can't Throw Enough Staplers

What's this? A 54-Page document from the U.N. suggesting that the prison at Guantanamo Bay needs to be closed? They even had the gall to state that the detainees should be either charged with a crime or released rather than held indefinitely. And some of the interrogation methods amount to torture. Gosh. I'm shocked. shocked. Simply shocked to learn of this. None of us had any idea these kinds of things were happening to detainees in the hands of Americans.

Didn't we send the rabid and anger management-challenged John Bolton to the U.N. to keep something like this from happening? Did he not throw enough staplers to keep this report from coming out?

What pray tell, is happening to our master plan to enslave all of our dissenters and achieve world dominance?

February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day Everybody!

Killer Photoshop work by Gene Cowan

February 11, 2006

Funny Looks Black Kids Give The Bushes - Part 4

In my ongoing "Funny Looks Black Kids Give The Bushes" series, I have this doozy to throw in the mix.

This little girl is obviously bewildered as to just how the Bush girls hold those plastic smiles for so, so many long hours.

See the previous segments of the series here, here and here.

February 10, 2006

Friday Bart Blogging - February 10, 2006 Edition

Be Vewwy, Vewwy Quiet or the Hurricanes Will Hear Us

Brownie so going to testify about the hurricane Katrina response today.

The White House has barred some top advisers and staffers from
answering Senate investigators' questions about the administration's
response, saying that certain discussions and documents must remain
confidential. But Brown, who quit FEMA shortly after the storm and left
the federal payroll Nov. 2, is no longer covered by that confidentiality protection.

Now, what specific "discussions and documents" must remain confidential? Are we scared that if it gets out that the Bush Administration is completely incompetent, doesn't care about poor people who vote Democrat and hires unqualified cronies to deal with these kinds of disasters, that the hurricanes will be listening and attack us even worse next year?

When the hurricanes find out that Federal Government knew all about the levees breaking on August 29th and then sat on their asses for a few days before doing anything, will they point and laugh at us? Will they humilitate us on their websites?

If we have a full investigation and actually come up with some areas that we need to improve on and a plan for improvement, and the hurricanes find out about it, will they be able to take advantage of our weaknesses?

Or maybe if we just never, ever, ever mention hurricane Katrina again, the hurricanes will forget how much fun they had devastating the Gulf Coast and go wreak havoc somewhere else.

There's more than one way to fight the "War on Weather" and national secrecy is paramount in the stuggle to overcome hurricanes.

February 08, 2006

Hogwash on the Range - Where the Ape Shit and the Delirious Play

This nonsense of a trial is getting nuttier and nuttier by the minute. We have Kansas Attorney General Phill Kline wanting to force health professionals to report any evidence of sexual activity of girls under 16 to the authorities.

Just girls. Not boys. Just girls. And evidently it's OK for a teenage girl to go down on a boy, but not OK for the boy to go down on the girl.

And his witnesses are equally loonie.

But the doctor (University of Michigan gynecologist, Elizabeth Shadigian) said Kansas girls need the protection, because even when they think they
are engaging in voluntary sex, they are not.

"In the present-day situation, with the state of affairs as it is, it is
not a voluntary situation, with all the injustices in the power
differential between men and women," Shadigian said.

Shadigian testified that even when a girl asks a boy to fondle her genitals,
she is likely being controlled by the boy.

Cuz there's no way a young girl would actually enjoy fooling around. Doesn't it always cause her to run crying hysterically into the bathroom to vomit?

And if this is really the case, I shouldn't have been grounded for those two weeks in 1986. It wasn't my fault. I was being controlled, damnit!

And then we have this gem.

"If you have two 15-year-olds, and one is a black male, and one is
a white female, some people have a very different posture of the power
between the two than if it's the other way around," Shadigian said.

"Historically, black slave women were subjected to sexual advances by
their white slave owners, so there's a definite power differential in
that case," Shadigian continued.

So, now I'm confused. Is interracial teenage scrogging better or worse than same-race teenage scrogging? And it matters which race the boy is and which race the girl is because of slavery that was eradicated 150 years ago?

And if that isn't enough, this doozy gets thrown into the mix.

A child psychiatrist testifying for Kansas Attorney General Phill Kline
told a federal judge that teenage girls' access to birth control pills should
be limited but not boys' ability to buy condoms.

Since BTK was caught, I'm guessing that the Wichita Eagle readership has been declining significantly. I really hope this is just a bad publicity stunt to boost readership and not an attempt to fuck with the lives of teenage girls and drag the whole state of Kansas back to the days of slavery or the Inquisition or the Dark Ages or whatever they heck they're trying to do.

And pray tell, whatever will the folks in Wichita have to talk about when this trial is over?

The Bush's Disdain for Civil Rights

Lacking an amusing caption for this photo, I thought I'd post it anyway. You can just see the disdain for civil rights in George and Laura's eyes. They are both almost bursting at the seams wanting to get in there and poke Jimmy Carter in the eye and steal his lunch money.

That Wascely Pwesident

Sneaky little George Bush has pulled a fast one on the American people.

After unsuccessfully gallivanting around the U.S. for the better part of last year, spending our tax dollars trying to con people into supporting his miserable Social Security privatization non-plan, he's written the non-plan into his budget proposal.

Yep. No shit. He's gone and done it.

Unlike Bush's generalized privatization talk of last year, we're
now talking detailed numbers. On page 321 of the budget proposal, you
see the privatization costs: $24.182 billion in fiscal 2010, $57.429
billion in fiscal 2011 and another $630.533 billion for the five years
after that, for a seven-year total of $712.144 billion.

In the first year of private accounts, people would be allowed to divert
up to 4 percent of their wages covered by Social Security into what
Bush called "voluntary private accounts." The maximum contribution to
such accounts would start at $1,100 annually and rise by $100 a year
through 2016.

Now my memory isn't very good, but I could have sworn that this non-plan fell flat on it's face due to waning support from Congress and the deafening shrieks of a whole bunch of outraged senior citizens.

It's not clear how big a reduction in the basic benefit Social Security
recipients would have to take in return for being able to set up these
accounts, or precisely how the accounts would work.

Uh, yeah...... But snookums, if you could just approve this proposal, a lot of my buddies will get really, really rich. No need to worry your pretty little head about the details. Just sign here, and maybe daddy will buy you those new shoes you've been wanting.

How to Identify Terrorists

While NASA may not be safe from young Bush appointees who lie on their resumes and try to influence the things that climate scientists say, I'm happy to say they are safe from six year-olds.

Here we have kindergarteners at Taft Elementary:

The kindergarten class at Lakewood's Taft Elementary was planning a
field trip to NASA Glenn Research Center.


But school principal Margaret Seibel says this year's trip for Taft kindergarteners -- we'’re talking 6-year-olds here -- had to be canceled due
to homeland security concerns.

Since new security regulations went into effect in May 1, 2005, access
to the Visitor Center is restricted to United State citizens. All others
might be terrorists.

And then we have George C. Deutsch.

...Mr. Deutsch played a small but significant role in an intensifying
effort at the agency to exert political control over the flow of
information to the public.

Such complaints came to the fore starting in late January, when James E.
Hansen, the climate scientist, and several midlevel public affairs
officers told The Times that political appointees, including Mr. Deutsch,
were pressing to limit Dr. Hansen's speaking and interviews on the threats
posed by global warming.

Yesterday, Dr. Hansen said that the questions about Mr. Deutsch's
credentials were important, but were a distraction from the broader
issue of political control of scientific information.

"He's only a bit player," Dr. Hansen said of Mr. Deutsch. " The problem
is much broader and much deeper and it goes across agencies. That's
what I'm really concerned about."

Now who is the real terrorist here? Children wanting to learn about NASA's space program, or some Bush crony trying to kill us by impeding the flow of scientific information about global warming?

You know that the priorities of the Bush Administration are completely out of whack when you see stuff like this.

February 07, 2006

Another Link in the Republican Circle Jerk

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales graciously reaches out to provide Senator Arlen Specter with a quick hand job in appreciation of leading the Republican members of the Judiciary Committee in their vote to not require him to be under oath during his testimony on George Bush's illegal domestic eavesdropping program.

Karl Rove - Dysfunctional As Ever

Ever have one of those lovers who withholds sex from you when you get in a fight. I don't mean like for just one night when the fight is actually going on, but for weeks and weeks to punish you for, I don't know.... coming home late, just after sunset, from comforting a friend going through a rough time, or maybe making the wrong snack for your Super Bowl party?

It's a very dysfunctional way to behave in a relationship, and it's also a very dysfunctional way to run a government.

Deputy Chief of Staff, Traitor and #1 White House Thug Karl Rove has been threatening to blacklist any Republicans in the Judiary Committee that vote against President Bush. He's threatening to withhold any White House political or financial support from them should they stray from the fold and actually think for themselves and make a decision that best benefits the country and their constituency.

But this could really backfire on our Rovey, just like it could backfire on your dysfunctional lover. You might decide to go elsewhere to get the things you're not getting from the relationship, or you might end up replacing the dysfunctional lover with one who isn't as needy and neurotic and paranoid.

If Rove withholds support from these candidates and they lose their re-election campaigns, then Democrats might take back their seats in the Senate and it will certainly be easier to instigate impeachment hearings. Has Karl Rove thought about this, or is he just on a short-sighted mean streak?

Karl Rove is nothing more than a co-dependent boyfriend that insists you give up all your friends, stop sailing and move to Gods Waiting Room, FL.

February 03, 2006

Bush's Lie-o-Meter Goes Crazy

Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry. And this is one of those moments.

First, George Bush's Energy Secretary and economic advisor come out and apologize and clarify the pretty much change the whole meaning of the goop that Bush said about energy policy during his State of the Union Address.

But now, we have the lie-o-meter on fire, smoking and about to blow apart.

In his speech, Bush said:

We'll also fund additional research in cutting-edge methods of producing
ethanol, not just from corn, but from wood chips and stalks, or switch
grass. Our goal is to make this new kind of ethanol practical and
competitive within six years.

But in reality, we have budget cuts and layoffs at the National Renewable Energy Laboratory.

The Energy Department will begin laying off researchers at the
National Renewable Energy Laboratory in the next week or two because
of cuts to its budget.

A veteran researcher said the staff had been told that the cuts would
be concentrated among researchers in wind and biomass, which includes
ethanol. Those are two of the technologies that Mr. Bush cited on
Tuesday night as holding the promise to replace part of the nation's oil

The budget for the laboratory, which is just west of Denver, was cut by
nearly 15 percent, to $174 million from $202 million, requiring the
layoff of about 40 staff members out of a total of 930, said a spokesman,
George Douglas. The cut is for the fiscal year that began on Oct. 1.

Laugh. Cry. Do whatever you need to do to get you through the next three years.

Abramoff's Sturdy Knees

Since the Modern Republican Party doesn't think that us women-folk deserve any privacy in our medical care, neither does Jack Abramoff, by golly.

An astute Wonkette operative caught sight of him in physical therapy. Evidently, he's recovering from knee-replacement surgery.

Good thing too, as he's gonna need sturdy knees where he's going.

So Much For Being in the Last Throes

So there you are, leaving the bar with your new squeeze. You're both stumbling, yapping about those special things that only intoxicated new lovers talk about. It's late, and you decide to go back to his place. You crawl into bed, thinking a quickie would be nice as you both have to go to work in the morning.

But after what seems like hours of fruitless humping, you realize what you got yourself into. Neither you, nor your partner are anywhere near the "last throes" and the insurgency has no intentions of surrendering anytime soon. You may hope and pray for quick withdrawal, but alas, it wasn't meant to be.

Once Congress voted that fateful day in October, 2002 authorizing George Bush to use force in Iraq, we should have known what was going to happen. Hindsight is 20/20. But now we're stuck. We anticipated "using overwhelming force to quickly win clearly-defined objectives that involve American interests." But Congress and the American people were duped.

According to Rumsfeld and the other war criminals at the Pentagon, this little tryst that we consented to is now a "generational conflict akin to the Cold War, the kind of struggle that might last decades."

And damn, are we gonna be sore in the morning.

Friday Bart Blogging - February 3rd Edition

Bart spies on the dirty dishes without a court order

February 02, 2006

House Republicans Bungle Their Vote for Majority Leader

So the new House Majority Leader is John Boehner, which unfortunately for all of us, is pronounce Bay-ner. (Thanks so much to an anonymous commenter on the previous post for raining on my parade)

Anyhoo, the really perplexing part about how they elected him, is highly reminiscent of the returns that came out of Ohio in 2004.

House Republicans are taking a mulligan on the first ballot for
Majority Leader. The first count showed more votes cast than
Republicans present at the Conference meeting.

Evidently, they can't even run a fair election within their own ranks.

Bush Sees His Shadow, Term Will Last Three More Years

Groundhog day came a few days early in Washington D.C this year. On Tuesday night, our Rodent-in-Chief stuck his pointy little head out of his little bubble and spewed forth a rancid smelly litter box of lies, misinformation and empty promises on the floor of the Senate.

And just as was foretold in Punxsutawney, the winter will continue. We'll keep on feeling the cold heartlessness of cuts in Medicare and student loans while the fat and happy executives at the oil, insurance and drug companies keep getting fatter and happier.

               CEO of Exxon Mobil

Fortunately winter will only last six more weeks, but the reign of King George will last three more long years.

BTW, does anyone know the correct pronunciation of Boehner?

Kansas AG, Phill Kline is Back to His Pervy Ways

Wendy, my chess-lovin' friend from Kansas alerted me to this travesty of justice and batshit crazy invasion of privacy.

Since they caught serial killer BTK, Kansas Attorney General Phill Kline is back to his old ways. Digging around in the sex lives of Kansas teenagers. Only this time, his snoopiness and perv-idity could really cause some serious damage.

A 15-year-old girl tells her doctor she needs birth control because she
and her boyfriend are having sex.

Kansas Attorney General Phill Kline says the law requires the doctor to
report the girl to child protective services.

If teens are scared to go talk to their doctors about reproductive issues, unwanted pregnancies will flourish like crab grass in the summer. Sexually transmitted diseases will go untreated and spread like wildfire on Plains. Cervical cancer will come to call on young Kansas women, like the University of Missouri's Antlers before the big game. Peckers will fall off like aircraft industry employment opportunities in Wichita.

It will be mayhem!!

I stand by my original premise that Phill Kline is simply a pervert that gets off digging into the sex lives of young girls. He sits in his office reading these cases, wanking his tiny little pecker and wondering why the girls didn't like him when he was in high school.

But the question remains. If you query your OB/GYN as to whether it's safer to have conjugal relations with the Bishop or the Rook, then will she be required by law to tell Phill Kline on you?

St. Pete Times Editorial

Some girl named Dawn wrote up a nice Editorial regarding George Bush's lame-o excuses for his domestic spying program, that got published in the St. Pete Times.

And amazingly enough, she didn't mention butt sex once, or use any dirty words.

Check it out.

February 01, 2006

Energy Secretary Says Bush Told a Fib

Like hog ranchers hosing down the swine after they've rolled around in their own shit, less than twenty-four hours after George Bush spoke from his State of the Union Address pulpit, addressing Congress and the American people, promising to cut Middle East oil imports by 75% by 2025, his direct reports kick into high gear saying it ain't so.

"This was purely an example," Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman said.

He said the broad goal was to displace foreign oil imports, from anywhere,
with domestic alternatives. He acknowledged that oil is a freely traded
commodity bought and sold globally by private firms. Consequently, it
would be very difficult to reduce imports from any single region,
especially the most oil-rich region on Earth.

Asked why the president used the words "the Middle East" when he didn't
really mean them, one administration official said Bush wanted to
dramatize the issue in a way that "every American sitting out there
listening to the speech understands." The official spoke only on condition
of anonymity because he feared that his remarks might get him in trouble.

Seems it's been over 200 years since the story of George Washington admitting that he chopped down that cherry tree. But George Bush is our President now. And that man can look you straight in the eye, standing right next to the fallen cherry tree, holding the axe with cherry juice dripping down his rotten, sticky face and tell you that Bill Clinton chopped down the cherry tree.

Guide to Debunking Domestic Surveillance Myths

There's nothing more I hate than behind caught red-handed, without all the facts while discussing the White House's warrantless eavesdropping problem.

Now I care about you guys, and I don't want what happened to me to happen to you, so go read this from the Carpetbagger. He outlines the whole thing, debunks all the Republican talking points, and provides handy dandy links to main stream media sources.

It's pretty short, but read the whole thing. Print a copy and keep it with you at all times. You never know when a Bush apologist or talking-points regurgitator will come out of nowhere.

You need to protect yourselves and your families.