It's Recess-time Somewhere

Proud Member of the Reality-Based Sandbox

December 26, 2005

Colin Powell Said What???

It's not that hard to get permission to nibble on the squeaky hamburger toy, yet I see nothing wrong with going ahead and nibbling on the squeaky hamburger toy without permission.

December 24, 2005

Move along now. Nothing to see here.

Bart celebrates the holidays with his new girlfriend. A three month old boxer named Oscar.

December 23, 2005

The Bart Cam - December 23rd Edition

December 22, 2005

Holiday Bart Blogging

I'm off to Kansas to visit the family for the holidays and to hopefully find out what's the matter with it. If I find out anything, I will report back immediately.

As is customary, Bart the Beagle is in charge while I'm gone.

I expect you guys to keep an eye on him, and let me know if any nefarious behavior arises while I'm gone. Also feel free to pose any questions or concerns to him, as he really is a wealth of information and opinions.

Subversive Toy Review - GI Joe Valor vs. Venom Figure

This is the fifth and probably final review of an ongoing series of reviews of subversive toys. I think it's apparent to all of us that the vast left-wing conspiracy has infiltrated Toyland and is plotting to make our boy children little pantywaist homos and our girl children shameless hussies.

Seeing as how Christmas is only three days away, you need to be prepared to clobber Santa Claus with the rolling pin if he comes down your chimney bearing a gift like this. I don't think there's a toy out that will provide your little boy a faster ticket to the gay disco clubs.

Exhibit A: This toy comes with not one, not two, but six phallic shaped accessories. While it is usually nice to stimulate your son's imagination, six phallic shaped accessories might just stimulate it in the wrong direction -- the direction that leads him directly to the gay porn section of the adult bookstore.

Exhibit B: If you press this GI Joe's tummy, he speaks. Similarly, the Pillsbury Dough Boy giggles and utters incoherently when you poke him in the belly, and I think we all know what a big homo he is. Before you know it, your son will be baking pink heart cookies for his boyfriend Jake.

Exhibit C: This toy comes with three "gauntlets." But if you look closely, they distinctly resemble butt plugs. I think we all know where this could lead. You're nursing a mean hangover on New Years Day, cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. Then you look out the window and see Johnny and his friends carousing the sandbox with gauntlets stuck up there anuses. Not a good way to ring in the New Year, now is it?

Exhibit D: This GI Joe comes with kneepads. I'm not sure why a GI would need kneepads, perhaps it's part of that "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Now if your son thinks he's going to be issued regulation kneepads when he joins the military, you can be sure, he'll find your copy of Tickle His Pickle and turn straight to chapter eight in preparation for his military career.

I hope you all enjoyed this series, and if you are in need of any more guidance in your holdiday toy shopping, I'll be happy to respond to your questions and concerns.

December 21, 2005

Subversive Toy Review - The UltimateTalking Casa Doll House Gift Set

This is the fourth in a possibly ongoing series of reviews of subversive toys. I think it's apparent to all of us that the vast left-wing conspiracy has infiltrated Toyland and is plotting to make our boy children little pantywaist homos and our girl children shameless hussies.

As I was trolling for sin and wickedness in Amazon's toy selection, I came across this aberration..

Exhibit A: Note the computer in the middle of the living room. All good Christians know that computers are good for two things and two things only -- watching porn and reading blogs. If little Susie is encouraged to have such a window to the real world, she will without a doubt grow up to be an adult film star or a member of the reality-based community. And you know as well as I do that both of them can give a girl a nasty case of the clap.

Exhibit B: In one of the promotional photos, you will see a tiger and an exotic mystery animal romping playfully on the bed. Not only does this suggest to your daughter that it's OK for members of different species or races to play together, but it might just awaken her interest in exotic things she can do in bed with her stuffed animals. While Paddington Bear might find this alluring, I can assure you that it will send your mother-in-law into cardiogenic shock.

Exhibit C: The little swing out by the slide is highly reminiscent of those Japanese sex chairs. I think you know all too well how this one will go. While the Hambuger Helper is simmering, you'll go to check on Susie and her friends, and everyone of them will be all splayed out in the Single Popasan doing lord only knows what.

Exhibit D: There is an add-on to this toy frighteningly referred to as the "Big Sister Nursery Addition." We know your older daughter can't keep her pants zipped long enough to put her sneakers on, but I don't think the younger one needs to be encouraged to start a family quite yet. There's plenty of time for that once she starts Middle School.

George Bush Threatens to Let the Patriot Act Expire

Regardless of where your sympathies lie in the measure to renew the Patriot Act, I'm sure you can't help but giggle when you hear the Preznit threatening to veto a three month extension. Can you even imagine George Bush vetoing this and letting the Patriot Act expire? He wouldn't dream of it.

If that's what the Senate decided on, and he had to choose between vetoing it and letting it expire or extending it by three months, what do you think he'd do? Given those circumstances, there's no freakin' way would he veto it. He is so bluffing and everyone knows it!

Time is gittin' short, Senators are gittin' cranky and they still can't agree on a few things. Why not extend the Patriot Act as is, for three months, and continue haggling over it next month? Wouldn't that satisfy everyone and make everyone's holiday a little brighter?

Even for little Alberto Gonzales, who might get the shakes when he wakes up on January 1st, if the Patriot Act is not renewed.

Will Jack Abramoff Sing like a Canary?

Since Jack Abramoff is running out of money, his attorney is suggesting that he take singing lessons. The Washington Post is reporting that he might negotiate a deal, plead guilty, then testify against the other naughty, naughty congress critters that did naughty, naughty things.

Former lobbyist Jack Abramoff, facing trial on fraud charges Jan. 9 in
Florida, is negotiating a possible deal with the Justice Department, in
which he would agree to plead guilty and cooperate in the wide-ranging
political corruption investigation focused on his dealings with members of
Congress and executive branch officials, people familiar with the talks
said last night.

Abramoff would provide testimony about numerous members of Congress
and their staffs if he and the Justice Department reach an agreement,
the sources said.

I only hope the folks that love Tom DeLay enjoy his company this Christmas, as he might just be in the pokey next year. And I think we all know why they call it "the pokey."

Dick Cheney's Christmas Gift to the Poor

In order to show his unwavering love for the American people, Cheney changed his travel plans and flew back early to provide the tie-breaking vote for cuts to Medicare, Medicaid.

Republicans said the significance lies in more than mere numbers, adding
that programs such as Medicare and Medicaid threaten to consume an
unsustainable amount of federal revenue if their growth is not trimmed

Where as tax cuts for the wealthy, subsidies to corporate welfare queens, no-bid contracts to Halliburton and illegal foreign wars are quite sustainable.

Such a lovely show of Christmas spirit to the poorest Americans, don't you think?

December 20, 2005

Subversive Toy Review - Littlest Pet Shop, Little Lovin' Pet Playhouse

This is the third in a possibly ongoing series of reviews of subversive toys. I think it's apparent to all of us that the vast left-wing conspiracy has infiltrated Toyland and is plotting to make our boy children little pantywaist homos and our girl children shameless hussies.

Today, in order to assist you with your toy purchases this holiday season and help keep your little nippers free from the fires of hell, I am generously donating my time and expertise to educate you on the evil that lies within the Littlest Pet Shop, Little Lovin' Pet Playhouse.

Exhibit A: Though Hasbro was thoughtful enough to include a hamster, they have noticeably omitted a mule. Your son needs to learn about lovin' somewhere, and you certainly don't want to have to talk to him about it. Better for little Johnny to learn on his own with the family pet. And while hamsters certainly have their place in every young boy's heart, mules are much easier for beginners.

Exhibit B: I'm not sure what's up with the fish, but I know what you're thinking. Before you know it, little Johnny and his friends will be googling "fish sex" on the family computer and trying things that are simply messy as well as anatomically impossible and quite detrimental to your pet goldfish.

Exhibit C: The cute little spotted doggie appears to have a pink scarf on. And I don't think I have to tell you that the color pink leads to anal sex. Everyone knows that.

Exhibit D: Amazon's description says "Magnetic components trigger 'magical' action." Now don't take my word for it. Ask your local Baptist preacher about magic, and he will set you straight. Harry Potter is pure evil and anything even remotely related will land your precious little boy smack dab in the netherworld at the right hand of Satan, where he will be subsequently converted into a raging homo.

Conyers Files Motion to Censure Bush and Cheney

What is censure, you ask? It's hardly anything. Not even close to the impeachment or public flogging we were all hoping for. It's nowhere near even being sent to your room without any supper or losing your TV privileges for a week.

It's more like a harsh finger-wagging and a stern look.

Ranking House Judiciary Democrat Rep. John Conyers (D-MI) has
introduced a motion to censure President Bush and Vice President
Cheney for providing misleading information to Congress in advance of the
Iraq war, failing to respond to written questions and potential violations
of international law...

The resolutions were quietly introduced Sunday evening along with a third
resolution (HR 635) to create a Select Committee to investigate the
administration'’s intent to go to war prior to congressional authorization....

But at least it's something, and hopefully will be the beginning of a beautiful regime change. I only have one question. Why do we need a new measure? Why didn't Conyers just tack it on to the $453.3 billion bill to fund U.S. military troops and Pentagon weapons, like Ted Stevens (R-AL) did with drilling in ANWR?

Snoopgate and Stuff You Should Read

There's all kinds of goodies out there on Snoopgate. For those of you poor sods that have jobs where they actually make you work or have Christmas shopping, wrapping, and cookie baking left to do, and don't have time to surf the blogosphere with a fine-tooth comb looking for this stuff, and also for Sylvana, because I'm a "a big news source" for her, here's a list of stuff you should read.

Sifu Tweety from The Poor Man thinks that whole bunches of us are being spied on and ponders the technology used to do it.

Patrick from Shakespeare's Sister thinks the White House is using Echelon (which is estimated to intercept up to 3 billion communications every day) to snoop on all of us.

Rob from AmericaBlog reminds us what the 2nd Amendment says and what kind of punishments are written into FISA for naughty, naughty presidents who unconstitutionally spy on people.

And Atrios takes us on a merry little walk down memory lane, where George W. Bush said this in April, 2004:

Secondly, there are such things as roving wiretaps. Now, by the way,
any time you hear the United States government talking about wiretap, it
requires -- a wiretap requires a court order. Nothing has changed, by the
way. When we're talking about chasing down terrorists, we're talking
about getting a court order before we do so. It's important for our
fellow citizens to understand, when you think Patriot Act, constitutional
guarantees are in place when it comes to doing what is necessary to
protect our homeland, because we value the Constitution.

Wal-Mart's Been Very Bad This Year

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. is the target of a criminal investigation over
how it handled merchandise that is classified as hazardous waste, the
company announced Tuesday.

Far be it from me to ask silly questions, but shouldn't all of Wal-Mart's merchandise be classified as hazardous waste? All that cheap plastic crap is going to break, and you are going to throw it out. That can't be good for the environment, now can it?

December 19, 2005

Subversive Toy Review - Mr. Clean 14 Piece Cleaning Playset

This is the second in a possibly ongoing series of reviews of subversive toys. I think it's apparent to all of us that the vast left-wing conspiracy has infiltrated Toyland and is plotting to make our boy children little pantywaist homos and our girl children shameless hussies.

While disguised as a wholesome toy designed to instill in our children values such as cleanliness and helpfulness, The Mr. Clean 14 Piece Cleaning Playset is obviously a premeditated attempt on the part of sympathizers of the homosexual agenda to plant those first seeds of gayness into young boys.

Exhibit A: Note the glaring "Mr" in the name of the toy. It seems they are trying to blur traditional gender roles by suggesting that men should share in the housework. And I think we all know where this leads. Today he's doing the dishes, tomorrow he's sucking on the neighbor boy's little willy behind the tool shed.

Exhibit B: Given the constant threat of terrorism and the dynamic and colorful Homeland Security Advisory System, boys today and ever aware of security checks, random pat downs and the ever present body cavity search. Seeing as how this toy includes rubber gloves, you can be sure that he'll be emulating his favorite airport security officer or Hollywood screen star and rummaging through his friend's colon, searching for Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Exhibit C: Is it just me, or does that red thing look like a purse? Before you know it, Johnny will be following in the footsteps of Tinky Winky and walking around on tip-toes with that thing over his shoulder mimicking his big sister. The next step, on this slippery slope I think we all know, is the desire to date the captain of the football team.

Exhibit D: Take a closer look at our Mr. Clean. You remember that little earring rhyme, "Right is right and Left is Wrong" that became popular in the 80's and helped us to root out homosexuality in high schools and college campuses? Well let's just say that Mr. Clean didn't get the memo on that one.

Spying on Americans Without a Court Order for Fun and Profit

I was baffled as to why the White House would authorize spying on U.S. citizens without court approval. When you can get the approval up to 72 hours after you begin the spying, and very, very few requests are turned down, why would they do this and what in the heck are they trying to hide?

Well, John from AmericaBlog might be on to something. His hypothesis, assuming that Bush is doing this for national security purposes and not for political gain, is that they were spying on US journalists, and he was afraid the courts would turn him down. Some American journalists have "ties to Al Qaeda" in order to get information for their stories. The "terrorists" trusted the journalists, and the sources would dry up if the "terrorists" found out that the US was spying on it's journalists.

I don't have proof yet, but Bush spying on US journalists would explain
everything UNEXPLAINED about this entire story. Bush refusing to follow
the law, Bush refusing to go to court, Bush refusing to tell more members
of Congress, Bush's concern that the terrorists, if they knew we were
doing this, would be tipped off, and Bush's desire to keep this from the
public. It all makes sense that the target of the domestic spying could
be US journalists.

But the scary part about this, is John's very next post says "I'm off to a meeting at the Capitol, more later." Ya think he'll come back?

And another question I have is, if this is true and Judy Miller had a reputation for sleeping with her sources, will we find out which one's they were? If the White House is going to take away our rights and circumvent the system to eavesdrop and US citizens, they oughta at least throw us a bone on this one. We do love gossip!

Alberto Gonzales Stays Up Past His Bedtime

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales must have stayed up way past his bedtime last night trying to come up with a reason under the law that allows the President to authorize secret domestic spying without a court order.

He said the 2001 Afghanistan war resolution, passed shortly after the
attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, trumped the 1978 law forbidding eavesdropping
without court approval, because the law, the Foreign Intelligence
Surveillance Act, makes an exception for surveillance "otherwise
authorized by congress."

Congress "otherwise authorized" eavesdropping in the resolution, he argued.

That resolution makes no reference to eavesdropping or of detention
policies. The administration has cited it in justification of both,

So if you follow this line of reasoning, George W. Bush can authorize any illegal activity, from eavesdropping to anal rape, as long as he cites "fighting the terr'ists" as the reason.

Let Freedom Ring.

December 17, 2005

Lifestyles Family Fitness Replaces MSNBC with Fox News

Working out is supposed to be a nice happy stress-relief healthy kind of thing, and I left the gym this morning really pissed off. Fox News is right-wing propaganda plain and simple. We go there for our health, not to be brainwashed.

I'm at the gym this morning, as all his holiday cheer has begun to make me feel a bit like a cow. Now imagine my shock, after planting myself on the usual treadmill in front of the usual TV showing MSNBC, when I see it's now playing Fox News.

Right next to that TV was CNN. I'll compare and contrast, says me -- see how each "news" station deals with the stories of the day.

The big story this morning appeared to be Chimpy authorizing secret eavesdropping on Americans and, as it seems, being downright tootin' proud of it.

Fox News certainly showed Bush yip-yapping a lot more than CNN, while CNN had some legitimate analysis and even a statement from Senator Russ Feingold saying something along these lines:

Feingold said it was "absurd" that Bush said he relied on his inherent
power as president to authorize the wiretaps.

"If that's true, he doesn't need the Patriot Act because he can just make it
up as he goes along. I tell you, he's President George Bush, not King
George Bush. This is not the system of government we have and that we
fought for," Feingold told The Associated Press in a telephone interview.

But the only analysis Fox News had was a quote from Rudolph Giuliani, which I can't find at the moment, defending this policy or the Patriot Act or some such infringement on our civil liberties. But the bestest part of the whole thing, was the headline above the quote "Patriotic Support."

For the love of God and all that's holy, how the living fuck can you call defending policies that take away our freedoms and liberties as patriotic? And how can a TV station that claims to provide "news" say such a thing.

Hanging on every word the President says and defending his every fart is not patriotic, it embarrassing and foolish.

December 16, 2005

Friday Bart Blogging - December 16th

"As the dog, I am responsible for the decision to nibble on the squeaky hamburger toy."

December 15, 2005

Republican Congressman Gets an A in Math but an F in Logic

Not only did Jeff Miller (R-FL) make a preposterous comparison, but then he goes on to solely blame Louisiana Governor, Kathleen Blanco for a natural disaster.

"We had mandatory evacuations," Blanco said. "We got 1.2 million
people out. We ended up saving another 100,000 people and we lost 1,100.
That's the whole story. We got people out."

Rep. Jeff Miller, R-Fla., said Blanco's explanation was "a story that'’s
not acceptable because 1,100 people is one half of the men and women we
have lost in Operation Iraqi Freedom."

"You lost that many on one day," Miller said.

Shot back Blanco: "Then it'’s not acceptable for us to lose ... soldiers,

The soldiers in Iraq that have given their lives were sent there by the government. It was a purely discretionary move and didn't have to happen. Congress gave Bush the right to declare war willy-nilly, and then he did just that, sending over 2,000 of our brave men and women off to die for a lie. Hurricane Katrina was a natural disaster that couldn't be stopped. Big difference.

And isn't the quote "you lost that many on one day," just precious? Like Blanco conjured up the hurricane herself and made sure that those 1100 people would die. At least she wasn't hanging out at her ranch in Crawford, Texas for four days after the storm struck.

Afterwards, Jeff Miller could be heard mumbling about how mean Governor Blanco is because she wouldn't give him any candy and how 1100 really is half of 2200.

December 14, 2005

Bush Sends in His #1 Thug

Things are heating up on Capitol Hill today. The House is expected to pass the renewal of the Patriot Act, but some members of the Senate are threatening to filibuster and calling for more time to come up with a better bipartisan compromise.

One of the key points in contention is the use of national security letters. These are letters that an FBI agent, without the permission of a judge, can send to your library, internet service provider, telephone company and credit bureau in order to collect information on you. And rumor has it, they're used about 30,000 times a year.

Meanwhile, President Bush sent his top law enforcement officer to
Capitol Hill to demand that Congress pass a House-Senate accord that
would renew more than a dozen provisions of the act before they expire
Dec. 31.

No one's physical presence strikes fear into the hearts of men quite like Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez. I'm sure the Democrats are shaking in their shoes.

And speaking of shoes... Norbizness "knows a very special Attorney General who's getting platform Florsheims in his stocking this year!"

December 13, 2005

Another Anti-Climactic Sex Scandal

The funny thing about Joe Redner stating that he's gay in a federal lawsuit against Hillsborough County commissioners, who banned the county from acknowledging or participating in gay pride events, is that no one seems too surprised or even appears to care much.

Outside Redner's Mons Venus in Tampa - one of the nation's most
renowned nude clubs - employees said they were mildly surprised by
Redner's disclosure, but most shrugged it off as no big deal. To them,
Redner is an honest boss and a brilliant businessman.


Most of Redner's dancers seemed indifferent to Redner's sexual

"I don't understand what his sexual preference has to do with it,"
said Autumn Mullens, 25, a dancer for six years. "If anything, it would
mean he would be more open-minded about sexuality in general on a
stereotypical level."

For those of you unfamiliar with Joe Redner, in addition to his stake in Mons Venus, he's a prominent businessman, an outspoken libertarian, he ran for County Commission last year, and I feel quite certain he shares my not-so-secret desire to bludgeon Ronda Storms over the head with a rusty crowbar.

Whether you agree with his politics or not, one thing is for sure. Joe Redner is not a liar and he's not a hypocrite.

It seems these coming out of the closet thingys are only fun if the new openly-gay person has been hypocritical or has bashed guys himself/herself for personal or political gain. And Joe has done none of that.

I wish Joe the best of luck in both his private affairs and his legal affairs.

December 12, 2005

An Eye for an Eye Makes the Whole World Blind

There's not much out there that makes me sicker to my stomach than the state sponsored execution. Not even a breakfast starting with a shot of Cuervo, followed by runny eggs, followed by Milwaukee's Best, followed by plain grits and then washing it all down with a tall glass of that apple Boone's Farm would make me as queasy.

The US justice system and all the justice systems in the world aren't 100% accurate 100% of the time. There can't be any do-overs when you kill someone. Once they're dead, there ain't no way their coming back.

And even if there was a way that we could be sure without a shadow of a doubt, what the hell is wrong with life in prison without parole for the biggest, meanest ugliest offenders of them all? Some would argue that being in prison for the rest of your life is worse than being killed by the government.

Life in prison keeps them off the streets where they are unable to hurt anyone anymore. Shouldn't that be the goal of the "justice" system. Protecting innocent people by getting the criminals off the streets rather than satisfying some vicious compulsion for revenge?

I'm really disappointed that the Govern-ator isn't going to grant clemency to Tookie Williams. It doesn't seem right that a man who has shown that society is better off with him than without him should be executed. Provided he is guilty of the crimes for which he's been convicted, what's wrong with life in prison without parole?

Whatever happened to forgiveness and compassion? For a country that claims to be entrenched in Judeo-Christian values, state sponsored execution should not be legal. I'm sure both Jesus and Moses would agree.

Hat tip to Mahatma Gandhi for the title of this post.

Chimpy Throws a Temper Tantrum

I'm not sure whether our Preznit needs first, a nap, some Ritalin or a lesson in Constitutional Law.

“I don’t give a goddamn,” Bush retorted. “I’m the President and
the Commander-in-Chief. Do it my way.”

“Mr. President,” one aide in the meeting said. “There is a valid case
that the provisions in this law undermine the Constitution.”

“Stop throwing the Constitution in my face,” Bush screamed back. “It’s
just a goddamned piece of paper!”

via Skippy

Spreading Freedom Around the World

Move over Abu Ghraib, there's a new Iraqi prison in town where you can go to get electric shocks, broken bones, cigarette burns and one those new-fangled Iraqi manicures where your fingernails are ripped off (not to be confused with the French manicure, where the tips of your nails are painted white).

An Iraqi government search of a detention center in Baghdad operated
by Interior Ministry special commandos found 13 prisoners who had
suffered abuse serious enough to require medical treatment, U.S. and
Iraqi officials said Sunday night.

An Iraqi official with firsthand knowledge of the search said that at
least 12 of the 13 prisoners had been subjected to "severe torture,"
including sessions of electric shock and episodes that left them with
broken bones.

"Two of them showed me their nails, and they were gone," the official
said on condition of anonymity because of security concerns.

So, it seems that the new order from General Pace that "absolutely the responsibility of every U.S. service member if they see inhumane treatment being conducted to intervene to stop it," is perhaps being disregarded. I mean really, isn't pointing, laughing and taking pictures a lot more fun, anyway?

December 09, 2005

Loud Country Music Drowns Out Kathy Castor's "I Told You So" Moment

The Hillsborough County Commission voted 6-1 to allow Clear Channel one year to get the noise under control at the Ford Amphitheatre. Kathy Castor was the one dissenting vote. She was troubled that the agreement allowed Clear Channel to proceed with concerts for the next year without any recourse or penalty for additional violations.

Despite being the one lone sane member of the County Commission, Kathy only gets one vote. Thus Clear Channel was given a free pass to spend the next full year wreaking aural havoc in the area. They took their first opportunity to do just that last Saturday, registering sound levels of up to 26 decibels over what is allowed.

Saturday night's Alan Jackson show cranked up the honky tonk way past
noise limits at the Ford Amphitheatre, and there wasn't anything
Hillsborough County could do about it.

An inability to enforce its own noise rules came two weeks after
commissioners agreed to stop citing Clear Channel Entertainment for a
year to give it time to muffle concert noise.


Concerts have regularly exceeded county noise limits over the summer
and fall, but none has measured levels as high as that of the Alan
Jackson performance, according to EPC records.


"This is what I was concerned about," said Commissioner Kathy Castor,
the lone dissenting vote. "To give Clear Channel a year to continually
violate the law isn't right for the residents who live there. I'm
disappointed it turned out this way."

I just hope the voters out there by the Ford Amphitheatre remember this when it comes time to vote in 2006 and 2008. Obviously Mark Sharpe, Brian Blair, Ken Hagan, Jim Norman, Tom Scott and Ronda Storms care more about Clear Channel's bottom line than the residents of Hillsborough County.

Subversive Toy Review - The Easy Bake Oven

This is the first in a possibly ongoing series of reviews of subversive toys. I think it's apparent to all of us that the vast left-wing conspiracy has infiltrated Toyland and is plotting to make our boy children little pantywaist homos and our girl children shameless hussies.
While mascarading as an attempt to instill tradional homemaker skills and values into the young women of America, the Easy Bake Oven is obviously and attempt to huss-i-fy little girls.

Exhibit A: Note the extra large spatula. Anyone who's seen the movie Stripes or reads Jesus General knows what spatulas are for. Surely you don't want your little girl to be indoctrinated into the S&M culture at a young age.

Exhibit B: Is it just me, or does that purple thing look suspiciously like anal beads? As soon as little Emma takes them out of the box, you'll be in the emergency room getting them removed from her colon. Not a good way to start out Christmas Day, now is it?

Exibit C: While disguised as cookie-cutters, those things on the right are obviously metal diaphragms. Designed to teach little girls about birth-control options and the evils of reproductive rights and family planning.

Exhibit D: Now, if you click on the link above and read the little ditty that Hasbro has so eloquently written to coerce you into purchasing this wicked toy, you can see that in addition to the one "heating chamber," there are other "warming compartments" for snacks and toppings. I'm just not sure little girls need all these orfice options. Shouldn't one be enough?

Exhibit E: The Easy Bake Oven requires two "AA" batteries. I don't think any of us want our little girls growing accustomed to toys that take two "AA" batteries, now do we?

Friday Bart Blogging - December 9th Edition

And yes, that is my foot.

December 08, 2005

Unto Us Today Is Born a Bush Torture Apologist

The Princess of Pain speaks!

...Condoleezza Rice said she can give no guarantee
that terrorism detainees won't be abused again despite what she called
the United States' clear rules against torture.

"Will there be abuses of policy? That's entirely possible," Rice said
at a NATO press conference. "Just because you're a democracy it doesn't
mean that you're perfect."

December 07, 2005

When a Sex Scandal Turns Out to Be a Cronyism Scandal

So, I was thinking the other day that we could really use a nice sex scandal in politics. Things are starting to get a little dry. When Special Prosecutor, Patrick Fitzgerald walks in to building to chit-chat with the grand jury, and we don't even know what the chit-chat is about, and it still makes front-page news, obviously things are getting a little dull.

I really miss Jeff Gannon doing his "thing" for a full year in the White House on a day pass, Bill O'Reilly with his dirty falafel talk and Culture-of-Life activist Neal Horsley and his girlfriend/mule. That's good stuff!

So, when I saw that the Mayor of Spokane was ousted due to a gay sex scandal I got all atwitter. But then when I read the story, it just didn't seem right.

I could give two shits if any of our local, state of national leaders are gay or try to meet gay men online. Trolling online for someone to have sex with is not illegal. If that's their thing, then I'm all for it. We should all be having more sex, by golly -- gay people and straight people. It's their leadership skills, their ideals and the way they govern that should count, right?

And this fella seemed to get ousted because he's gay. When really, the issue should be about cronyism. At all levels of government.

If he's offering jobs and internships to these men that he met online, and they are unqualified for the positions, then we have a problem. It's no better that Chimpy tapping Brownie, John Bolton or Harriet Miers.

So though the media might attempt to sell it as one, this really isn't a sex scandal. It's a cronyism scandal, and a little anti-climactic, if you ask me.

Judith Miller Sleeping With Her Sources

I just don't see what the big deal is about former NY Times reporter Judith Miller sleeping with her sources is.

She dated Steve Ratner, one of Sulzberger's best friends... and had
even, for a time, shared a vacation home with Sulzberger. She had a
reputation for sleeping with her sources...

Isn't that why we all go into journalism, TV or radio or start blogging? Geez, give the girl a break. In fact good for her! You go, Judy!

December 06, 2005

Who Would Jesus Beat Up?

Professors at State Universities, of course.

A professor whose planned course on creationism and intelligent design
was canceled after he sent e-mails deriding Christian conservatives was
hospitalized Monday after what appeared to be a roadside beating.

University of Kansas religious studies professor Paul Mirecki said that the
two men who beat him made references to the class that was to be offered
for the first time this spring.

They must have missed that day in Sunday School where they should have learned to love your neighbor as yourself and turn the other cheek. Will they ever realize that Jesus was a socialist and a pacifist? Read the book, boys. It's in there.

Whip Me, Beat Me, Make Me Render a Guilty Verdict

The Sami Al-Arian, et al trial is just getting more reminiscent of a medieval torture chamber every day.

Yesterday, we had the judge scolding the jury for not returning all 51 complete verdicts and scooching them back into the jury room for the 13th grueling day of deliberations.

And today, we have a juror feeling cowed and complaining about the "techniques" the other jurors are using on him.

"Being that I am in the minority, I feel I am being whipped to change
and I am not alone ... My nerves and my conscience are being whipped
into submission."

I think we can all use our imaginations in envisioning what's really going on in that jury room. But one thing is for certain -- I better get invited to the after-party!

UPDATE: Al-Arian was acquitted of 8 counts, and the jury was deadlocked on the remaining 9. Sameeh Hammoudeh and Ghassan Zayed Ballut were acquitted of all charges. And Hatem Naji Fariz, was acquitted of 24 counts and jurors deadlocked on the remaining eight.

His indictment in 2003 was hailed by then-Attorney General John
Ashcroft as one of the first triumphs of the Patriot Act, which was
enacted in the weeks after Sept. 11.

Yes, quite a triumph wasting all those tax dollars and five months out of many people's lives and imprisoning apparently innocent men for years.

Funny Looks Black Kids Give George Bush - Part 4

In my ongoing "Funny Looks Black Kids Give George Bush" series, I have this gem to offer

This little boy is obviously dumbfounded at how this idiot became president, and why the lily white boy in the sweater vest is smiling so big.

UPDATE: I think maybe this is only Part 3. Here and here are the others.

Florida Governor "Fat Little Brother"

I love it when Communist dictators speak their minds.

Castro called the governor "the fat little brother in Florida" and
wondered if Bush had helped Luis Posada Carriles into the country,
according to a transcript released Monday of the Nov. 17 address to
University of Havana students, who erupted in laughter.

And frankly, I think "Fat Little Brother" has a nicer ring to it than "Jeb."

December 03, 2005

Ronda Recap

For all of you that might be interested in all the little ditties I've written about Ronda Storms, here's a list for ya:

Recall Ronda Storms 11/23/2005

Commissioner Ronda Storms Leads Gang Rape 11/21/2005

Ronda Storms Continues Her Assault on the Children of Hillsborough County 11/14/2005

What Ronda Has Built, Let No North Carolina Cheerleader Tear Down 11/7/2005

Okay, One Last Post 10/14/2005

Another Sign That Ronda Storms Hates Children 10/6/2005

Stormy Afternoon on the Crosstown 9/29/2005

Ronda Storms Continues Her Assault on Hillsborough County 9/26/2005

Save Source Teen Theatre 9/9/2005

Ronda Storms Declares War on Teenage Girls 8/1/2005

Ronda Screws the Pooch 6/22/2005

Emergency Town Hall Meeting 6/19/2005

And my personal favorite:
Ronda's Diversity Training 6/17/2005

And for even more goodies dating back before June, check out Blogwood. He's got a whole slew of posts about God's Own County Commissioner.

December 02, 2005

Why Does the Far Right Always Hide Their Medical Records?

Mr. Ann Coulter's most recent article is overwhelmingly mean, nasty, ugly, and hateful. She has truly outdone herself this time. But before you read the snippet below, bear in mind, that is so much easier to question someone else's military service if you yourself have not served.

Here's a fun little excerpt where she slams John Murtha and defends Oliver North.

And unlike Murtha, who refuses to release his medical records
showing he was entitled to his two Purple Hearts, we know what North
did. (These Democrat military veterans are hardly shrinking violets
when it comes to citing their medals, but they get awfully squeamish
when pressed for details.)

Now John, from AmericaBlog, makes a nice point.

I've never seen any medical records proving that Ann eats or doesn't
have a penis...

So now that it is so fashionable and hip to demand medical proof to determine one's worthiness, I figure why stop with purple heart recipients.

I want to know if Rush Limbaugh has a heart. I want to know if George Bush has a brain. Is Bill O'Reilly even human? And and are Rick Santorum's children part cocker spaniel? These are important things that the public should know.

If I don't get these medical records released ASAP, by golly, I think we can all assume they have something to hide.

I Love the Smell of Beagle in the Morning

December 01, 2005

Tired of the Same Worn Out Useless Rhetoric From George Bush?

Midshipmen catch naps as they wait for more than an hour for U.S. President George W. Bush to deliver his address.

Well you aren't the only one.

via Pandagon

The St. Pete Times Poet Laureate

Howard Troxler, from the St. Petersburg Times is on fire today with the limericks!

My favorite:

In Hillsborough County today
You'd best not be Muslim or gay
We got the most votes
And will ram down your throat
Our majority 'Murr-i-can way.

However he must have been under pressure (time or editorial pressure?) and neglected to say something about the great honor which Bill O'Reilly bestowed on the St. Pete Times. So, I figure I ought to help him out.

To be on O'Reilly's list
Is an honor I must insist
I worship from afar
the great ones that are
for I'm afraid I was missed.

There's a Reason Democracy Rhymes With Hypocrisy

That whole free and independent press thingy is so passe. Particularly when you're in the midst of trying to build a "free and independent" Iraq that will lovingly provide us with oil, cushy construction contracts, political clout in the Mid East, oral services and pony rides for years to come.

As part of an information offensive in Iraq, the U.S. military is secretly
paying Iraqi newspapers to publish stories written by American troops
in an effort to burnish the image of the U.S. mission in Iraq.


"“Here we are trying to create the principles of democracy in Iraq.
Every speech we give in that country is about democracy. And we're
breaking all the first principles of democracy when we'’re doing it,"
said a senior Pentagon official who opposes the practice of planting
stories in the Iraqi media.

Move over Armstrong Williams, Maggie Gallagher, and Michael McManus. Your fifteen minutes of fame are over with.